CRAZY PARANOID!!

OMG I got so paranoid about someone realizing this blog was me ( the name is fake) that I deleted all my posts except \for this months and the very first one..

i'm going crazy....

FUCKING RUT!!

Uhg excuse my language... I'm just tired of the damn number staying the same....

sometimes I wish I could go back.. before easter I was soo damn close at 116 to hitting my first goal and now I am back at 120 and have been at 120 for a week and I hate it!!!!

I feel bloated and disgusting all the time! I look fat my thighs are gross...

on another negative my shoot most likely got cancled....uhg

i hate being petite and on the heavier range of the chart.... 110 is the lowest weight for someone my height before being underweight....I want to be 107.. thats the first time I hve admited that I want to be 107... i lie to my hubby and tell him i just want to weigh 112...but i dont...

FUCK! 120 can kiss my ass!!!!

I am considering doing a 30 day juice fast/detox...it will be hard but I am getting more and more determined to drop the weight and I got some sample books on my kindle. and the one talks about thats how she lost alot of weight....

newho..uhg the weekends here and i have made NO progress...luckily being in a show saturday will keep me from eating that day and tmrw even if my shoots cancled I'm gonna go out and just keep myself busy so I will only have to worry about sunday night dinner with the hubs...

i hate being so disgusted with myself and i hate looking at my fat and cellulite everyday...gross...

I'm soo depressed right now... :(

early morning....

So I'm sick as hell... have been going to the bathroom and throwing up all night.....

and yet this morning I still weighed in at 120...fucking rediculous....

I have a full day of work and meeting with a photographer so I'm planing on not eating just drinking alot of water....and tmrw I have to work all day till 9:30 so again no food... and then I have a photo shoot friday so I think if I do like a 2 day water fast I can manage to look....ok.. for the shoot..

I'm soo disapointed in myself and feel like a complete loser... :(

I dont want to be 120 anymore I want to thin.. I hate my fat thighs and celulite... :(


I'm writing early cause I'll be to busy durring the day to post.. and I know I havent posted in a bit...

hope everyone else is doing better....

not really living

I'm still here...

do you ever feel like your not really living... like your just surviving life? I feel like i'm just here and not living....

havent weighed in a few days.. got Stupid drunk last night and i believe I puked my brains out and then again this morning... :( gross.....my stomach has been in knots all day which is fine cause its made me not want to eat... I had an orange and 4 crackers and 3 slices of brick cheese....

not sure whats happening tonight but at this point I just want to go home and crash..

soo tired.... I feel like a cow... bloated fat and well just FAT!!!

rehydrating SUCKS!!

sorry for such a negative post... hopefully I'll feel better tmrw and can actualy post something positive...

Liquids, liquids, liquids...

Its only after noon but I feel I'll post now....

again sorry I havent posted as much... but I am determined to get this fat off m body...

things have been hard lately and I hate it.. I just want to leave this state and move away from everyone with my hubby and live in a warm beautiful place were I can just sit outside all day and not eat and walk everywhere...

newho I am still stuck at 120 ocording to the stupid scale this morning...even after barely eating yesterday....its ok tho cause I have decided to do a liquid fast till saturday.... I have a show on saturday in which I am wearing a strikeingly gorgeous wedding gown... I know I cant lose too much or the dress wont fit but I am bound to at least get under 120...

So today I have brought my waters with me to work and a crystal light water mix that helps with appitite control (love them) I will probably have a diet cola today since I didnt yeserday... I will continue with this untill saturday..my hubs works all day today and tmrw so I will prepare him something I dont wnat to eat tonight and tmrw and then friday I will be gone to rehearsal before he gets home so no worrys there.. I will say I ate before I left.

I did not purge yesterday and only took 3 laxs at the end of the night...its progress believe it or not...

my mood hasnt been much better.. still down in the dumps and feeling like a fatty loser... I hate how my body looks ...

Thank you to those who write kind words I know I dont always respond but I read them and they make me feel loved and accepted.. and they do help me alot to feel better.

Love you all

Fading

I am sorry for being away... things have just been hard... and I still read everyones journals, but its also hard when I see so many doing good with their plans and goals....

I feel useless and like I've failed myself... I hate how i look and how I feel. I feel like a damn rolly polly

I weighed a few days ago and sadly was at 120.... what a disapointment I am....today has been a sit day already....I had a half of a sandwhich and then purged it... I have been purging my dinner every night for the past 4 nights... I know its bad for me I know I shouldnt but I made a promise to my hubby to cook for him more and thats the only way i can handle eating the meal is if I know I get rid of it after... :(

i'm also back on my laxs more .... I had cut down a lot and was doing well when I was eating next to nothing so I felt i didnt need to take them....

now I'm back up to taking at least 5 a night...at least....

I seriously hate my guts right now... I'm sorry if I dont post as much this is just a hard time and Its hard for me to express myself right now....

over it

Things have to change.... I can not stand being this size I feel so huge....its been 4 days since I last weighed myself which one is driving me insane...but also I am so scared to see how much I have put on...

I havent ate today, but hubby wants me to make dinner tonight... whats sad is I have already planed to purge after eating... :/ yea the purging has started back up again... not happy about it but to scared to let anything sit in my belly.

Told my husband I am not longer buying certain foods in an attempt to save money and eat "healthier"
he has agreed to eat better which is good cause now I can continue not eating certain things and I'm just no longer going to buy things I dont want in the house....

Me and hubby are spending the day together tmrw since we both have it off and he wants to go to breakfest...told him that will be the last time we eat out or get fast food (to save money...also I wont have to eat) he said ok and we are also not going to drink untill his bday in may.

I just have to drop weight.... I am going to eat as little as possible and next week will most likely be a fasting week since I have a show on saturday

i seriously fucking hate myself... I cant even look at myself in the mirror lately...

i'm nothing but a freakin Fat ass....