time to go back to what I'm used to

So I am getting fed up with weighing the same and weighing in the 120's... its disgusting.... and I am really starting to get seriously upset with my body and how gross and disgusting it looks and how fat I am and feel.... to the point where last night after getting into an argument with my husband I sat naked on the bahroom floor beating the shit out of myself... like literally sitting there punching myself in the legs and stomach... IDK why this happened and its not something that occurs often tho it has before in the past.....I think about it and think WTF is wrong with me why would I do that.....idk I guess everything boiled over and I had so much pain and rage that I needed to take it out and I felt it was my fault so why not take it out on me....

NEways I'm ok and not wanting  that to happen again as I am now bruised and feel stupid and ashamed that I physically beat myself.

but I am now determined that being thin and back to where I was at a smaller weight would solve all this shame and feelings of disgust.. so I am going back to a strict and excessive workout routine weather I want to work out or not I am going to do it twice a day more if I feel the need... once at work and then again at home.... and along with that I am going back to cutting most foods out of my diet... fruit and veggies will be ok and aloud when I am extreamly hungery only....

I cannot stand this feeling anymore and its time to go back to how I used to be with this and weather or not its healthy or I'm not eating right at this point I really could care less... I lived like that for yrs and the past yr tried to eat "better" and more normal healthy meals and you know what... its just not working and I end up gaining and that is NOT ok....so thats it noone is going to tell me any different at this point when I reach my goal weight then I will consider adding more foods back but untill then I'm back to what I know best......

stuck

uhg I hate this I am still stuck at 121 once again... it has been like a week and I remain the same... I hate it.... my fams vacay is coming up in 12 days and I am just not comfortable with myself..... I am going to try extreamly hard to try and at least drop down to 115 before then.... I can not go into vacation weight 121 or else I will end up coming out of vacay weighing like 125.. or worse more!

so the stratagey is to cut out all "bad" foods only eat veggies and fruit when I do it something and to restrict and eat as little calories as possible... no pop to take away bloat and lots more water and gum!

I'm hopeing this works... droping the weight would take a lil stress off... I'm still dealing with some confusing things in my life right now.....and the fact that I feel I cant control the feelings and situation is driving me nuts so what can I control... my food intake and weight and that is exactly what I am going to do!


lets hope I can get this weight under control......

thinking

So i come to the conclusion I think waaaayy to much.. it really sucks.. i worry about everything and everyone...

I weighed 121.6 this morning ... my weight has been up and down between that and 123 for the past two weeks,... it sucks!

I just wanna lose this damn weight!! I have a bunch of shit to do after work so that will keep me out of my house and not thinking about food... i havent ate anythign today and i wanna keep it that way.

I have a feeling I'm gonna have to eat at some point tmrw... uhg I hate it

 I hate when I feel like I HAVE to eat cause i'm around others or whatever... i just feel forced and that only makes me not want to eat even more....

uhg sorry not much to say recently... just dealing with some things....

insanity

So my weight today was 123.0 .. fuck me! sorry for the language but I cant seem to kick this damn weight....back down under 120.....

today I have had an energy drink and 2 eggs... I work all day so I am not eating dinner.

I have a crazy busy weekend ahead of me so I am hopeing that I will be able to drop some keeping myself busy this weekend.

I dont have much else to say... there are just still some weird things going on. and my insomnia is still acting up.. grrr I wake up at 5am no matter what time i get up

I think I'm going insane

confusion

Hey all. sorry i am soo off and on about writing lately.... things have just been nuts over here...

Idk what I currently weigh... last time I was 121....however I have eatin next to nothing the past 3 days and might have droped a little....

my weekend wasnt to bad tho I am going through some weird and confusing things.....I put myself into situations that I shouldnt and then cant get out of them...idk why i do it I shouldnt .....uhg

idk my mind is literally a blur, racing and I cant seem to think clearly....

right now the only thing that makes me feel any better is restricting....so I'm gonna just continue on with drinking my energy drinks and not having any meals... hopefully I can lose the weight I want... the fact that I am back in the 120 area is driving my insane.... I film this coming weekend and would be really happy if I could drop under 120 by then...

we will see...

half goods

so the past couple of days have been 50/50 on the good scale. I have been managing only one small meal a day.... today I'm heading out with some friends to celebrate their finals being over.

So plan is not to eat at all today.. I have an energy drink to have while at work then its home to get ready and then off to have some drinks....I'm also hopeing I can get away with not eating friday either... but idk how well that will go since the hubby is off with me all day. I have a bikini test shoot sat and I'm dreading it because my legs are just not toned up the way I want them to be the middles are just so jiggly I hate it.

todays weight was 121.5 ....not happy with it but I'll take it over 124.... I'm hopeing with no eating today and hopefully not eating friday or saturday that I can possibly get to 120 or 119.... we will see

gotta stay hydrated and drink water so I dont retain it... so goal is to just drink water everytime I start to think about food and keep myself busy.... dance workouts everyday as those are always fun followed by some light exercise....

I'm gonna be 110 by sugust... I have to prove to myself I can do it.....so I dont loose hope and drop back into a depression mode again...

uhg weekends

Back from the weekend weight has been up and down.. one point got to 119.... didnt weigh in this morning  I think i'm back to 122.

I worked at the Warp Tour friday which was exhausting...my insomnia has been brutal and even after working outside all day friday I could only manage 4 hrs of sleep.

I'm glad the weekends over cause now I can be at work and its easier not to eat during the day. I am really starting to hate weekends.... neway I'm going to be trying to eat as little as possible for the rest of the month... it wont be to hard and if I can manage to book jobs for the weekends then I wont have to worry about them either..

I just gotta get this weight off one way or another. I cant stand my body at this point. in august I will be going on vacay and I want to finally be at 110 for it... but thats like 12lbs at least to loose by then.. the only way its going to happen is if I try and eat basically nothing at all... or as little as posible....I grocery shopped yesterday so theres food for the hubs to eat and if I make him dinner he usually doesnt pay attention to whether or not I'm eating any of it....

I've gotta do this....

Gone so long

Sorry to all. I know I havent updated in sooo long. I was out of work for about a week and a half and had no internet access.

not much has changed.. well some things have.. I ent on a weekend with my hubs and it was very much needed ...relaxing and such.

I had a doctors apointment last week and discussed some things with my doctor and he decided to switch my medication that I take for anxiet and depression. So far I am feeling better.. in the sence that I am not sad all the time and am not just crying over every little thing that happens....

bad thing is that I havent been sleeping well since I started it...one of the side effects is insomnia.. which I already had a mild case of it anyway but for the past month had been doing better...well since starting the new meds I havent gotten a full nights sleep in 4 days... I wake up anywhere between 3 and 5 and then cant go back to sleep... it sucks but hopefully it fades...

I am sadly stuck back at the disgusting number of 124....I hate it with all my being....dispite not being so overwlemed with saddness I still feel such hatred towards my body.... the past week and a half I have been eating one meal a day (usually dinner) and even that is small. I have been slowly cutting more and more stuff out of my diet....I have been basically living off energy drinks.. I have one everyday and then eat a small meal at night and if I can I dont eat at all. the energy drinks mixed with my meds(which also make me a bit sick to my stomach as a side effect) keep me from getting hungry... by the time dinner comes I'm barely hungry for anything...

I go on a vacay in august and am determined to at least get back down to 115 before then... luckily my husband is wanting to work out and eat "right" and so thats helping cause then i dont feel pressured to eat as much... I just hate being this high in weight.. its quite disgusting.

on a plus note i have not purged since before going on my mini vacay weekend... I am proud but still fight the urge to purge anytime I eat....I want to kick that habit and not purge again... I unfortuantly am still stuck on the laxs tho... but have cut back how many i take... so slowly getting there... that fact that I'm stuck back at a weight I despise so much tho is making it really hard...

for those still keeping up with my blog thanks and i ppriciate everything... I will be back to posting everyday except weekends.

love you all and thanks I know I was such a downer two weeks ago but I am feeling much better (that is sad wise)