no thoughts

so I leave today after work to head to my inlaws.... this is going to be a sad and exhausting weekend...

Im still at a loss of words about the whole situation.... the only thing I have been able to think about is the death of my brother inlaw.

I will be all weekend..

hopefully everyone has a better weekend then me

bless all

Tragic events...unimaginable

So nothing like a tragic event to kick start my emotions and get me back on track....

I am still struggling to get out of the 120s... but due to a long weekend ahead i think will get there ....

unfortunatly my Brother inlaw commited suicide late tuesday night/wed morning....he left behind a 2 yr old son and a 8 month pregnant wife.... this is just.. idk i dont even know what to say.. I cant imagine.... and I couldnt imagine being her and finding him.... I was a wreck as well as my husband yesterday. he is worried most of all about is pregnant sister...

I drank myself silly last night untill I was sick.... we leave friday to go to the viewings and will be at my inlaws till monday morning.. well i will be i have to leave monday for rehersals and such my husband is going to stay with his sister till wed morning....

idk this has never happend.. i have had close relatives die but never commit suicide.. and we just saw all of them last firday and everything seemed fine.....


on another note I do feel im getting back on track with my weight gonna be losing and I HAVE to loose because.... I was cast as the female lead in my first paid full length feature film! its still technically considered indie but its paid and i got the lead so i will be working hard to get back down to at least 115 by the time filming starts..... thats the one good thing about knowing i will be filming or shooting it pretty much forces me to keep my act together...

newho I hope all is well with everyone... please keep my family in your thoughts this is a hard time for my sister inlaw and her son.. and will be even harder when she delivers her second child in october :/

emotionally broken

I am just having a week from hell emotionally.... Idk everything just keeps piling up and its just boiling over and my emotions are starting to spill all over the floor...

what sucks is some of it is due to a situation im in and cant really discuss with anyone and that is making it very hard for me because im struggling with why i am in this situation and dealing with what to do aboutit....

that on top of my sleep deprivation is crippling me....everything is just insane....

I was down today again on the scale... still not an exceptible number for me... nothing in the 20s is ever exceptible.....so i ate nothing all day yesterday then when my hubs came home caved and ate a sandwhich .... which then i imidiatly purged completely.... today has been nothing but a piece of toast and a handfull of cheese its.... im going to work out today after doing laundry and plan on not eating for the rest of the night since i have an audition saturday and am going to have to eat friday when i visit my inlaws.. :/

I feel fragile and vulnerable inside and yet i still feel like a fat disgusting blob on the outside....

She attacks hard, and I surrender

So things have just been bad lately.... I have been moody and depressed. Im not sleeping as much as I should due to my insomnia....

last night I layed awake for hrs.. and of corse at my tired and fragile state is when "she" makes her move... I layed awake for hrs on end listening to her repeate over and over in my head what a disgusting fat failure I am.....

no matter what I couldnt shut her out.. she just kept going on and on... this morning i was a blank slate of tiredness and complete hate for myself.. even the lower number on the scale didnt help... as I stood there I just thought thats not an achieve ment ....

sigh I hate how im feeling.. but because of the constant ramble of thoughts I awoke with no appitite what so ever... food literally is disgusting me..... yesterday i made it through the day only consuming around 400 cals... today I feel as I wont be able to put a single piece of food in my mouth with out her scream of disapointment.....

I feel as if i will never be skinny... I will never make my goal..... I feel lower then low and I hate it...

Im hopeing this gets better soon.....

after vacay post

well i managed to only gain 1.5 lbs on vacay... ehich is a record for me.. but i am way higher then i want to.. I am getting over a cold and since i am almost 100% i am going to start a detox tmrw. gonna do it for 7 days and see where it gets me. if i feel i can continue it after 7 days i may....

Im also sticking with my working out now that im not sick any more....

i had a good vacay but alas constintly thought of my weight and now that im back my mind is flooded with the issues i left behind when i went on vacay.... so once again im swamped with thoughts and worry...

also still having major issues with my insomnia due to the new meds.... i wake up so often i never wake up in the morning feeling rested... it really sucks...


i hope all is well with everyone sorry i was gone for so long

not ok

uhg so i weighed this morning and was def. upset about the number on the scale... I dont even want to say it cause it disgusts me... to make matter worse my fam leaves for our vacation on sunday....I am far from being at a comfortable weight to be on vacay.....I have 4 days 5 if you count the day we leave....I am going to try my hardest to just drink as much water as possible to help me drop any water weight and then just eat as little as I can get away with....

what sucks is I really was hoping I wouldnt have to worry about weight on vacation... but now I am going to be obbsessed with it... I always worry about gaining on vacation but this is now going to be horrible.... I know I'm gonna try and restrict which will be hard when I am with all my fam and they will be watching.....but i have no choice at this point.. I refuse to come back from vacation and be near 130 or something .... so plan is to just get away with eating as little as possible there too.... if i keep myself busy enough it should be easy and try and trim foods whenever i can.. slip it to the dog whatever.....

I will beat being fat... I will be thin again....been working out again for the ast 3 days... will continue with that on vacation too....

thin till the end!