So I weighe in this morning after a day yesterday of laxs and what not... 120.0 ....so happy to see it and hoping to keep it that way... yesterday I was 121.2 so lets hope if I can keep my food intake down... which at this point is already waaaayyy to high... Im already planning on not eating dinner and possibly binge drinking till i barf my guts out..
the stress of two jobs and the holidays has me going completely insane but Im seeing a difference on the scale so its almost like Id rather be stressed out and skinny then not stressed and a cow.
work has been keeping me busy but obviouslt holiday are coming and im not looking forward to all the food...Im always paranoid that ppl are noticing that Im not eating... and then god forbid anyone notice if I did loose a few.. cause then that just draws attention to it and anyone who didnt know now does and is all weirded out...
just trying to hold it together long wnough to make it down into the teens for christmas...thats all I want
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Bday weekend Update
Alright so time for the weekend up date....it was good... and bad.. and lots of things
So here we go...
Thursday: Felt like complete shit so I called off one of my jobs. weight was down to 122 thank god I dont eat much before work cause I have to go to my second job..worked all night and came home to sleep.
Friday: weight 121... is it possible... who cares Im down.. went to work early and worked till 5.. went to dinner with a ..friend. and ate ....without pruging... I stayed up pretty late and went home early saturday morning.
Saturday:...todays my bday and a bday miracle happens.. my weight is 120.4.... I know its mainly water weight I lost from laxs... but either way am happy to be down...went to breakfeast with my husband which I of coarse purged when i got home... I took a nap because I was up so late the night before... went to celebrate my bday with my sis and her hubby. I took laxs and drank way too much.. I ended up getting sick probably 3 times once self inflicted twice because of to much booze. Came home early sunday morning...
Sunday: well its a gain but could have been worse considering... Slept most of sunday and got up around 3 weight was back to 121.4....disapointed but I expected it... once hubby came home we went to my rents and had pizza.. i purged but then ate more... cause I apparently have no self control... took alot of laxs which I have been paying for today... did weight myself this morning cause I was afraid to after the pizza... I have managed to not eat anything but a small piece of home made bread and cheese. and a tiny piece of home made pizza made by my employer... Ive been going all day and just feel really sick... I only ate the piece of pizza because my back has been killing me and I took a pain killer which made me extremely nauseas...I work both jobs tmrw and am planing on a not eating much day like I normaly do when I work my other job...
Im really hopeing I didnt fuck up to bad I would totally be ok with seeing 121 on the scale tmrw as long as i didnt gain again.... I gotta get back into this... christmas is right around the corner and I would love to be under the 120's and back into the teens for chirstmas....it would be a christmas miracle but im hoping... i wont be getting anything or much of anything for christmas sense me and the hubs are poor and told the fams we couldnt afford gifts and to not feel obligated to get us somehting...so this yr knowing i wont get much all I want is to loose the weight....I would love to start 2013 at 115....
we can always hope....right?
So here we go...
Thursday: Felt like complete shit so I called off one of my jobs. weight was down to 122 thank god I dont eat much before work cause I have to go to my second job..worked all night and came home to sleep.
Friday: weight 121... is it possible... who cares Im down.. went to work early and worked till 5.. went to dinner with a ..friend. and ate ....without pruging... I stayed up pretty late and went home early saturday morning.
Saturday:...todays my bday and a bday miracle happens.. my weight is 120.4.... I know its mainly water weight I lost from laxs... but either way am happy to be down...went to breakfeast with my husband which I of coarse purged when i got home... I took a nap because I was up so late the night before... went to celebrate my bday with my sis and her hubby. I took laxs and drank way too much.. I ended up getting sick probably 3 times once self inflicted twice because of to much booze. Came home early sunday morning...
Sunday: well its a gain but could have been worse considering... Slept most of sunday and got up around 3 weight was back to 121.4....disapointed but I expected it... once hubby came home we went to my rents and had pizza.. i purged but then ate more... cause I apparently have no self control... took alot of laxs which I have been paying for today... did weight myself this morning cause I was afraid to after the pizza... I have managed to not eat anything but a small piece of home made bread and cheese. and a tiny piece of home made pizza made by my employer... Ive been going all day and just feel really sick... I only ate the piece of pizza because my back has been killing me and I took a pain killer which made me extremely nauseas...I work both jobs tmrw and am planing on a not eating much day like I normaly do when I work my other job...
Im really hopeing I didnt fuck up to bad I would totally be ok with seeing 121 on the scale tmrw as long as i didnt gain again.... I gotta get back into this... christmas is right around the corner and I would love to be under the 120's and back into the teens for chirstmas....it would be a christmas miracle but im hoping... i wont be getting anything or much of anything for christmas sense me and the hubs are poor and told the fams we couldnt afford gifts and to not feel obligated to get us somehting...so this yr knowing i wont get much all I want is to loose the weight....I would love to start 2013 at 115....
we can always hope....right?
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
leave me and just let me die
Im soo fed up right now....
Im doing horrible I feel horrible and of coarse my weight is not doing what I want... my bday is saturday and im not near what I want to be.. my weight keeps jumping around for no reason...
monday I barely ate and threw up.... it was a rough day to say the least...
Tuesday weight was back to 122.4... better but not exactly what I hoped.. worked both jobs so no time to eat much.. had a small slice of italian bread and a rockstar..worked till 1:30 and came home ate a piece of bread with a smear of mayo and cheese....
Today.. FUCKING PISSED!! my weight was 124.0 WTF how in the hell do i jump from 122 to 124 when i barely ate at all.... the only thing i cant think is im retaining water from being at work all day and not being able to drink....either way I was soo upset that I went out and bought two bottles of laxs this morning before work....already took about 8... i havent been taking laxs because i havent been eating much and purging most everything.. but ive gotten so annoyed i couldnt help it
i have 3 days till my bday and 4 till I have a big photo shoot.. and right now im not wanting anything to do with either....I dont want to celebrate... I feel like theres nothing to celebrate... what me being a giant fat ass...great...
and I know Im gonna have to purge alot on saturday cause of meeting and going with ppl places for my bday....
just lock me away...
Im doing horrible I feel horrible and of coarse my weight is not doing what I want... my bday is saturday and im not near what I want to be.. my weight keeps jumping around for no reason...
monday I barely ate and threw up.... it was a rough day to say the least...
Tuesday weight was back to 122.4... better but not exactly what I hoped.. worked both jobs so no time to eat much.. had a small slice of italian bread and a rockstar..worked till 1:30 and came home ate a piece of bread with a smear of mayo and cheese....
Today.. FUCKING PISSED!! my weight was 124.0 WTF how in the hell do i jump from 122 to 124 when i barely ate at all.... the only thing i cant think is im retaining water from being at work all day and not being able to drink....either way I was soo upset that I went out and bought two bottles of laxs this morning before work....already took about 8... i havent been taking laxs because i havent been eating much and purging most everything.. but ive gotten so annoyed i couldnt help it
i have 3 days till my bday and 4 till I have a big photo shoot.. and right now im not wanting anything to do with either....I dont want to celebrate... I feel like theres nothing to celebrate... what me being a giant fat ass...great...
and I know Im gonna have to purge alot on saturday cause of meeting and going with ppl places for my bday....
just lock me away...
Monday, December 10, 2012
weekend up date
Thursday: Worked all day managing to have a few crackers here and there. not much going on that day
Friday: 122.2... Went to work in the morning expecting to have a friend meet with me after work. well the work day sucked and then to top it off I got blown off.. AWESOME... so I was angry and in a mood when i came home.. hubs and I went to Maxs and Ermas where I bought two acholic drinks and ate half a club sandwhich and a few fries... which I purged when i got home :/... went to bed due to having to work all day on saturday.
Saturday: 121.4....fuckin weight... had a natural juice for breakfest. worked all day took a 15 min break drank an energy drink and went back on shift...the morning sucked the evening was better... I got home super late and hubs was still in bed.. I ate a piece of weat bread with a smear of mayo and a piece of cheese and went to bed...
Sunday: 123.6...WTF how did i gain when i didnt eat anything but a piece of cheese bread the day before.. WTF... fuck you weight.... un eventful day hubs got home and we of corse got pizza..ate one piece and purged it....got drunk took laxs and went to bed
Today....dont know my weight after puking like 3 times last night from eating and drinking... i woke up late and couldnt weigh before running to work... so I am basically doing horrible.. I purge almost everything I eat... little bits whatever.. I try to just not eat cause I actually hate throwing up... but when i do eat even a little i cant help but think it has to get out of mee faaassstt!!!....idk my bday is almost here and I am not down to the weight I want to be which is depressing.... I feel fat and gross and dont even want to celebrate.... this is just disgusting... why cant I just be thin and happy?
to much to ask for I guess...
Friday: 122.2... Went to work in the morning expecting to have a friend meet with me after work. well the work day sucked and then to top it off I got blown off.. AWESOME... so I was angry and in a mood when i came home.. hubs and I went to Maxs and Ermas where I bought two acholic drinks and ate half a club sandwhich and a few fries... which I purged when i got home :/... went to bed due to having to work all day on saturday.
Saturday: 121.4....fuckin weight... had a natural juice for breakfest. worked all day took a 15 min break drank an energy drink and went back on shift...the morning sucked the evening was better... I got home super late and hubs was still in bed.. I ate a piece of weat bread with a smear of mayo and a piece of cheese and went to bed...
Sunday: 123.6...WTF how did i gain when i didnt eat anything but a piece of cheese bread the day before.. WTF... fuck you weight.... un eventful day hubs got home and we of corse got pizza..ate one piece and purged it....got drunk took laxs and went to bed
Today....dont know my weight after puking like 3 times last night from eating and drinking... i woke up late and couldnt weigh before running to work... so I am basically doing horrible.. I purge almost everything I eat... little bits whatever.. I try to just not eat cause I actually hate throwing up... but when i do eat even a little i cant help but think it has to get out of mee faaassstt!!!....idk my bday is almost here and I am not down to the weight I want to be which is depressing.... I feel fat and gross and dont even want to celebrate.... this is just disgusting... why cant I just be thin and happy?
to much to ask for I guess...
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Maybe not...
So I didnt weigh today I feel fat as hell tho and yesterday I weighed in at 123.8 again but then moved my scale and after moving it it kept saying 124.2...FML so Im worried I dont wanna move back up I have a full work schedule this weekend so its gonna be nuts... my emotions and tiredness from work are making it hard to resist food...
today ive already failed but because Im so tired I plan on just sleeping after work when i get home.... Im hopeing that this weekend will shed some weight off sense I work so much and wont have time to eat tho I also know i dont drink enoug hwater at work because we cant drink on the floor. so i have a feeling im gonna start retaining water :(
lets just hope that i can make it through the weekend of else theres gonna be alot of booze binging and puking....
I feel digusting...i hate my body :(
today ive already failed but because Im so tired I plan on just sleeping after work when i get home.... Im hopeing that this weekend will shed some weight off sense I work so much and wont have time to eat tho I also know i dont drink enoug hwater at work because we cant drink on the floor. so i have a feeling im gonna start retaining water :(
lets just hope that i can make it through the weekend of else theres gonna be alot of booze binging and puking....
I feel digusting...i hate my body :(
Monday, December 3, 2012
progress...maybe!
sorry ive been gone when im not at work i dont have internet.. so my first day at my new/second job went great. I think im gonna enjoy it... and on opening day i was happily down to 122.2.... idk how it happened.. well i mean i do.. restricting and purging everything i eat.. lol but idk i hadent thought it went down.. unfortunatly im back up for the past two days to 123.8....
so far today im not doing great.. ate a plain bagel with a lil butter.. and kept it down.. uhg i wont be eating for the rest of the day I have a photoshoot tonight and i dont want to have a puffy gut :(
I still feel giant.... I hate it I just want to be down at least to 115....Im hoping all the work will help... seemed to last week .. and Im working alot this week driving from job to the other so no time for food.
my bday is coming up and I want to be 115 sooo bad its like 2 weeks away and I dont think im gonna get there :( im so sad
so far today im not doing great.. ate a plain bagel with a lil butter.. and kept it down.. uhg i wont be eating for the rest of the day I have a photoshoot tonight and i dont want to have a puffy gut :(
I still feel giant.... I hate it I just want to be down at least to 115....Im hoping all the work will help... seemed to last week .. and Im working alot this week driving from job to the other so no time for food.
my bday is coming up and I want to be 115 sooo bad its like 2 weeks away and I dont think im gonna get there :( im so sad
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)