Why me

So uhg I just dont understand my body... so like i said my last post I was down to 115 on saturday...and then of corse with my luck today I am back up to 119.2 ... I just dont get it... i literally eat the same stuff everyday because of this vegan eating plan.

Im thinking that Im just gonna cut out more stuff.. maybe just eat fruits and veggies... Ive been trying to drink alot of water to see if maybe im retaining....

I now have something to look forward to to keep me on track.. got hired to do an event on the 23rd...so i want to be down to a happier weight for it... thinking 112 is an ultimate goal but I would take a solid 115 if i can maintain it for a few without it jumping...

uhg Ive been painting alot to try and calm my mind of all the stress and shit i put myself through.. not just with the ED but with life situations.
It does help but not enough i slept horribly last night..

another monday hangover

yea so im gonna try and take a break from the booze... i know ive said it before but im actually kind of serious this time...

things have been going well on the vegan front.. have been doing well... unfortunatly i got sick last night.. not on purpose(for once) I made a vegan chickenless patty sandwhich..well i was unaware that it had onion in it...alot cause after like the 3rd of 4th bite i could super taste it....well long story short im allergic to onion so about 15 mins after eating (i ended up not eating anymore of it after the 4th bite) I was in the bathroom throwing up :( stupid onions...

newho gonna weigh in on wed... im being hopeful cause saturday I weighed and was down to 115.8...so lets hope i am the same or lower...

hope all is well with everyone... I unfortunatly am having a hard time dealing with some life situations that dont have to do with my weight :/ ...spent a good chunk of yesterday crying...which is why i ended up drinking my sorrows away last night...

hopefully wed. will bring better news

rambles and shambles

uhg.. so i fail.... of corse it was only a matter of time...on both fronts... but im going to continue on and try and not screw up again...

last night late...i made myself throw up...of corse i had been drinking.. which i know i shouldnt do especially sense im eating so little...but ye....i purged and around 2:30 in the morning my husband found me asleep on the bathroom floor....he woke me and apparently i wouldnt leave the bathroom untill i threw up...

uhg im such a mess i swear idk whats wrong with me...

then of corse i fuck up and have cream cheese this morning....i ate it and then felt like i was going to get sick....

starting a new... not gonna mess up again....thinking of trying to stick to all liquids for the next few days .... have a photoshoot for submission photos for a calendar saturday... i have to look skinny..

i was 117.8 this morning.... but i know its a lie....water weight dehydration....stupid scale u cant fool me...

Just dont get it

Uhg sometimes I just dont understand..... not the wed. I was hoping for...

I hate my stupid body...so i couldnt help it and weighed yesterday mid day between my two jobs and was please that it was 117.4 in the middle of the day.... but then this morning i step up and its 119.2...

wtf....

uhg its been a week of me eating basically nothing but fruit and veg and some peta and hummus here and there.. yea i know only a week give it time ..fuck time...

trying not to freak but im just hating everything i eat and yet getting nowhere...

thinking im just going to go to sleep when i get home... just not in the mood today...

hopefully I will be lower next week..

havent purged in a week... but now im really starting to want to.... trying to not do that....uhg

ech

So I drank last night.. and in turn ate way to much... i mean i stuck to all vegan friendly foods.. but i still feel like i ate way to much food...

so its left me feeling gross and fat today... i have a gross taste of bell peppers in my mouth that wont go away... its making me want to throw up.. :(

uhg i have to rush around inbetween work and try and shower before going to my second job...

not a fan of today... :(

liquids only for today...

here i am

ok.. here I am.. sorry for the long break from blogging and the random few blogs i did post.

things were bad my weight went back up to 119 and I freaked went spiraling into a purge everything mode. but fortunatly thanks to Lent and me doing a full on Vegan diet Im feeling positive that i can drop... weight on saturday morning was 116.8 but then sunday was 118.. so idk what thats about.

Im not going to weigh again untill wed. that will be one full week of me doing the Vegan eating. I do have to say I dont feel as bloated as i normally do..most likely cause Im eating mainly veggies and fruit. I have some whole grain peta occasionally. and have ventured into Vegan cheese tho i cant stand to eat it by its self.

Sense i am doing full Vegan (thats no animal, animal bi product, and no insect ingrediants i.e honey red 4 ect.) This cuts soooo much out of my diet...which i really dont mind ...

I am also trying not to purge at all during this tho with all the cuts in food I find the urge to purge is alot less...sometimes i just want to cause i feel i need it...but so far im doing good....

lets hope for lower numbers on wed.

ash wed...lent begins

so Im still not ready to do a long post.... but wanted to just say im still here... its been hard...

I have decided to go on a full Vegan diet/lifestyle for Lent this yr.... I have always done extremely well when giving things up for lent because i have a reason not to eat them other then im a fat ass.

last yr i did vegetarian...this yr im challenegeing myself even more by doing vegan.... no meat, dairy animal biproduct ..organic shampoo and conditioners along with vegan makeups and such.. im going all out...

Im excited to do it...i think it will get me to stop purging and hopeing ill loose weight

good luck to everyone else and their Lent

shame

not much to say....idk maybe when Im feeling better and have lost this weight i put back on I'll post an undate....

feeling fat and disgusting.... Im ashamed of myself and hate myself... i literally want to take a knife and cut the fat off myself....

yea I see very little eating and heavy drinking in my future this week :(

Lent is coming up...useing it as an excuse...lent is the only time ive never failed a diet or giving up something...

FML