drag me down

I hate myself....

I'm not doing well...my anxiety..depression....I just want to curl up and never move

I havent weighed in 3 days.. partially afraid....purging laxs and whatever else is back in full effect...

I hate how my body feels its disgusting, I cant even look at myself...


I've gotta loose weight and I gotta loose it now...

thinking of going and buying any diet pills I can get and just taking them all...


I'm sorry to everyone....

I've only been skiming blogs lately,...I just feel like comlete garbage....

I'm sorry....

.......

..Dreaming of a thigh gap... the one thing I envy the most on skinny woman.....I feel like I will never get that skinny.. i'm 117 and have thighs that rub and are disgusting.....I wish I would lose weight from my thighs and stomach the way I do off my arms and chest.. :(

I hate this... I'm so gross and fat...

no more...

I feel like a a cow!

I tried to eat normally the past two days thinking I could do it and eat a small amount and be ok.. but no.. I of corse went right back into taking a mass amount of laxs everytime I ate... I also went back into purgeing.. I was doing so well before.. of corse i also wasnt eating...so thats the solution... I have decided that the only way I can lose weight and not be on laxs is to just not eat at all.... if I eat a lil I cant stop.. I end up eating more then I want.... and taking the laxs I dont want to go back to that...i'm soo disapointed and disgusted with myself...

I have refrained from cutting and have pushed the thought out of my head.. I have tho spent the last two or three nights binge drinking :( ... its what I do... as soon as I get into this funk I drink... and then get sick and feel awful... its horrible for my body I always wake up sick, sore and feeling awfule inside.

Tomorrow I am going full force back into the juice and water only... and nothing is going to stop me this time... I have not grovery shoped in two weeks and will continue to just not shop... the only things I have bought is milk and lunch meat (for my husbands lunches everyday) if theres not food for me to eat then I wont eat... my husband eats whatever so I just have been making whatever we have and thats fine with him ..... he also is aware I'm going back to the juiceing since I couldnt last the full 30 days...

I'm going to try and do it for the next 3 weeks straight.. I have an event in which I have to wear a bikini all day and right now the thought of me being in a bikini in front of others makes me want to cry.....

my body is a nightmare to me right now... I hate it.. it jiggles.. my thighs are disgusting and flabby....

someone just lock me away now....

FML

Fail... so this weekend was rough and draining and exhausting... I had a shoot friday which went well and then a fashion show sunday which was tiring... I ended up going off my juice fast, which has inturn made me feel like an epic failure on all counts... I also gained and so I'm back to 117...this is not what I wanted.. I feel huge I feel like a loser...
I have been craving ciggs for the last couple of days and have been debating buying a pack to help kill my appitite again...

I'm just gonna go...starting the juice fast over tmrw....jut gonna keep trying till i get there

I feel so disgusting and huge....FML I hate myself...

static

Day 12 Juice Fast

.....115.6......fml I dont understand how my body hates me so much.... this is the third day I have weighed the same and today I technically gained .2lbs.....yes I know its not alot but to me it is specially when I have been working so hard at the juice fast and working out....
What also sucks is that the book I'm following has a day to day journal of the authors last juice diet and by day 12 she was already down to 112.5... and she started at 127!! thats 4lbs more then when I started.

I'm getting irritated not to mention depressed and just ...bad... my anxiety is not going well... I worked out once today doing some crunches and leg lifts, plan on doing more after walking the dog later....my obbsesive working out is creeping back in on me
I'm just getting fed up with my stupid body..well I have news for it, I am not going to start transitioning back out of the juice fast untill I'm 107....thats it... I seriously dont care anymore... I have untill may 30th.. thats the day I am supposed to start eating fruit again. If I havent hit 107 by then I'm not going to eat. I'll just continue juiceing untill I hit it....

I am trying to not get to fed up cause before the fasting I had thoughts of cutting... which I never was a big cutter but did it a few times when I worked at a crazy stressful job... and I dont want to go back there...so I'm trying to keep my stress and anxiety down so the thoughts dont creep back in...

I seriously hate fat... I hate my body.... I sometimes wish I lived alone and didnt have to have any food in the house ever....

pause.. stay calm...

Day 11 juice fast

So yesterday ended fin I started a new work out plan to help along my fasting. it went well.. theres a different set of ruetine for each day that you follow. I'm gonna try it for a solid two weeks and see if i notice anything.

This morning was a little bit of a let down as I weighed the same 115.4...I'm hoping i'm not stuck and its just a result of me working out. I'm stick to it i have 20 days left of the juice fast if I go the whole 30 days (which I am) which is 15 days more of just juice before I tranistion back out and add solid fruits and veggies back...

I am really hopeing this works and I can finally get under 110... it would be a dream seriously....

today I'm just in a mood.. feeling sluggish and tired...no energy really...no doubt from the lack of food and calories, on average I've been consuming somwere around 250-300 cals a day of just liquid.. I havent had a diet soda in 11 days and no other caffienated beverage... but in a way It feels soo good...

I just want my body to show the weight lose... I'm starting to think that no matter what i weigh I'm always going to look like a chubby short girl.... theres literally no differences in my measurements dispite the lose of weight.... which just makes me feel...well... fat..

I hate not being happy with how i look but I just cant help it.. my body doesnt look the way it should I know girls who are 115 who wear size 3 pants... i wear a 5/7.....

I feel like I can never win no matter what...

Its gotta be a dream

Day 10 Juice fast

So yesterday went great stuck with my juice fast drinking vegetable juice in the morning (60 cals) and 2 cups of berry juice in the evening for dinner (280 cals) leaving my totally cals for the day at only 340!
after work I got home and weighed myself..normally I dont weight in the middle of the day but due to my over lax use on mothers day I was curious to see if I had droped during the day... low and behold I DID! 117.6 back down to what I weight before the dinner on mothers day! was excited

No this morning I woke up late and had to skip out on my morning lemon water drink and just made tea. went to the bathroom and weighed before having my tea..... 115.4...WHAT!! this has got to be a joke.... I steped back on 3 or 4 times same read reset the scale same read.... I was so excited I could have screamed!

I havent weight 115 since my wedding a yr and a half ago... no part of me is jumping for joy... the other part is thinking... wait this has got to be water weight not true weight from fat... look at you..

and that part is winning... I mean I am going to keep this going cause I'm getting results I just hope that soon they start to show on my body as well as the scale...

I'm 115 but i still fit the same pants and clothes just the same as I did before and I still have a poochy stomach and my legs are still jiggling and big... there arent any results in my measurements despite working out so its hard for me to think its real weight.

I'm not evening missing food that much either.... I gotta keep this fasting up.. and totally recomend it to others.. if you want the title of the book or info on it just shoot me a message!