no more...

I feel like a a cow!

I tried to eat normally the past two days thinking I could do it and eat a small amount and be ok.. but no.. I of corse went right back into taking a mass amount of laxs everytime I ate... I also went back into purgeing.. I was doing so well before.. of corse i also wasnt eating...so thats the solution... I have decided that the only way I can lose weight and not be on laxs is to just not eat at all.... if I eat a lil I cant stop.. I end up eating more then I want.... and taking the laxs I dont want to go back to that...i'm soo disapointed and disgusted with myself...

I have refrained from cutting and have pushed the thought out of my head.. I have tho spent the last two or three nights binge drinking :( ... its what I do... as soon as I get into this funk I drink... and then get sick and feel awful... its horrible for my body I always wake up sick, sore and feeling awfule inside.

Tomorrow I am going full force back into the juice and water only... and nothing is going to stop me this time... I have not grovery shoped in two weeks and will continue to just not shop... the only things I have bought is milk and lunch meat (for my husbands lunches everyday) if theres not food for me to eat then I wont eat... my husband eats whatever so I just have been making whatever we have and thats fine with him ..... he also is aware I'm going back to the juiceing since I couldnt last the full 30 days...

I'm going to try and do it for the next 3 weeks straight.. I have an event in which I have to wear a bikini all day and right now the thought of me being in a bikini in front of others makes me want to cry.....

my body is a nightmare to me right now... I hate it.. it jiggles.. my thighs are disgusting and flabby....

someone just lock me away now....