over due update

ow.. I'm so sorry to everyone who follows me that I havent been posting.. things have been really hard for me lately...i just havent been up to writing lately, I have been dealing with a lot of finacial stress... I am dead broke... and I mean broke... like I can barely put gas in my car broke... I worked all weekend and then didnt get paid like i was suposed to :( such an annoyance.
on top of the finacial struggle my hubby didnt get the job he was up for so he is back to sending out resumes.. I am constatnly looking for paid work. I feel so stressed and run down and I'm starting to feel like its having its effects on my face...

my face has always been the one thing that never really bothered me about my body.. I always thought I looked ok.. not so much without makeup on but add some eyeliner and mascara and I would be ok with just that... but lately my eyes just arent the same.. circles under them my skin is breaking out from stress... so on top of my constant struggle wiht hating my fat ass body I'm now starting to hate my face as well..

IDK what I weight.. I havent weighed in a few days and have been doing not terrible but not great at eating... I'm back to obbsesivly taking laxs anytime i eat. :( it sucks.. i'm guessing that my weight is somewhere around 120.. which i hate... I just feel gigantic...

this week I am truely pushing myself to not eat or to eat as little as possible.. me and the hubby are leaving friday for a short 4 day weekend at our faimlys cottage.. it will be a no spend weekend just the two of us.. we plan on not spending any money and just vegging out. but I still feel self cousious about having to be in my bikini even around him :/

I just want to loose this damn weight....its hard cause I have been 115 before and right now I just want to get back there.. I just need to focus...at this rate I wont be able to afford food soon anyway so I wont have anything to eat...

I hate how things are right now :(