why

so things are worse then I thought... I weighed 124 yesterday...I'm soo disapointed in myself.. I cant even bare to look at my face in the mirror...I cant believe I let myself get back to this high of a weight.. I'm fucking disgusting!

I leave tmrw for a small 4 day vacay and thanks to this fatness that is happening I am going to be paranoid and worried all weekend....I just hate myself...

I look grose my stomach is all bloated.... needless to say knowing I weigh this much I am not going to be eating very much of anything while on vacay... its fine I'll be able to get away with it since we are just staying at a family house and have to bring our own food... noone else will be there either...

I am currently planing my next steps to buy more ephedra for when I get back...I know its not the best for you but It did help me loose in the past and I can not stand how I look right now ... I havent purged in like a week but knowing how fat I have gotten the only thing going through my head is purging up any lil thing that goes in my mouth...

I wont be writing again till I get back and after that I'm not sure if I will write... I will be off work untill july so I have no internet.. let hope the next time you hear from me I will have at least droped some weight.. cause at this rate I just dont even wanna be here or around anyone anymore...

digusted