So not sure how to start this blog....How does one express in words the messed up thoughts in their head. I wanted to start a blog in hopes that if I wrote about how I felt then maybe I wouldnt feel so anxious and depressed at the end of the day...
I am 25 and married..I have struggled with low self esteem since I was in middle school... and have struggled with restriction and diet pill use since high school. geeze were do I start... I never thought I really had a problem..or at least thought things were not that bad since I have never been under weight. I know I am not normal but I cant stop being this way because of my crazy need to be thin and not fat... its all I know even at my biggest I was the smallest one in my family...I had jaw surgery in college and lost a ton of weight and that excelled my need to be thin it was the first time I actually could stand to look at myself. ever since then I know I can be smaller then what I am now(123). I restrict, take diet pills, laxitives and purge on occasion. I have high anxiety and with a recent lose in my family this has got worse and so has my purging. I dont really binge..on days I lose control and eat a normal meal (still smaller then what most ppl eat) i consider that a binge and freak purge and take a larg amont of laxs.
I know I shouldnt but I cant and really dont want to stop. I want to get back down to my first goal of 115...
I know alot of you will think I am crazy and a nut but please that is not the purpose of the blog... it is so I can vent, express myself without being judged and perhaps meet others that I can look to for suport.
I entend to blog in detail occasional about my struggles and may go in to my past ED memories so please if you feel this is a trigger then I am sorry and dont read. I am how I am and cant explain why but I also know I dont want to be a trigger to someone trying to get well.
right now getting better is not my entent...perhaps when i reach my weight goal I will want to be able to maintain it and eat more normal...right now...not really...
