stress equals lose...guess I'll deal with the stress

So I weighe in this morning after a day yesterday of laxs and what not... 120.0 ....so happy to see it and hoping to keep it that way... yesterday I was 121.2 so lets hope if I can keep my food intake down... which at this point is already waaaayyy to high... Im already planning on not eating dinner and possibly binge drinking till i barf my guts out..


the stress of two jobs and the holidays  has me going completely insane but Im seeing a difference on the scale so its almost like Id rather be stressed out and skinny then not stressed and a cow.

work has been keeping me busy but obviouslt holiday are coming and im not looking forward to all the food...Im always paranoid that ppl are noticing that Im not eating... and then god forbid anyone notice if I did loose a few.. cause then that just draws attention to it and anyone who didnt know now does and is all weirded out...

just trying to hold it together long wnough to make it down into the teens for christmas...thats all I want

Bday weekend Update

Alright so time for the weekend up date....it was good... and bad.. and lots of things
So here we go...

Thursday: Felt like complete shit so I called off one of my jobs. weight was down to 122 thank god I dont eat much before work cause I have to go to my second job..worked all night and came home to sleep.

Friday: weight 121... is it possible... who cares Im down.. went to work early and worked till 5.. went to dinner with a ..friend. and ate ....without pruging... I stayed up pretty late and went home early saturday morning.

Saturday:...todays my bday and a bday miracle happens.. my weight is 120.4.... I know its mainly water weight I lost from laxs... but either way am happy to be down...went to breakfeast with my husband which I of coarse purged when i got home... I took a nap because I was up so late the night before... went to celebrate my bday with my sis and her hubby. I took laxs and drank way too much.. I ended up getting sick probably 3 times once self inflicted twice because of to much booze. Came home early sunday morning...

Sunday: well its a gain but could have been worse considering... Slept most of sunday and got up around 3 weight was back to 121.4....disapointed but I expected it... once hubby came home we went to my rents and had pizza.. i purged but then ate more... cause I apparently have no self control... took alot of laxs which I have been paying for today... did weight myself this morning cause I was afraid to after the pizza... I have managed to not eat anything but a small piece of home made bread and cheese. and a tiny piece of home made pizza made by my employer... Ive been going all day and just feel really sick... I only ate the piece of pizza because my back has been killing me and I took a pain killer which made me extremely nauseas...I work both jobs tmrw and am planing on a not eating much day like I normaly do when I work my other job...

Im really hopeing I didnt fuck up to bad I would totally be ok with seeing 121 on the scale tmrw as long as i didnt gain again.... I gotta get back into this... christmas is right around the corner and I would love to be under the 120's and back into the teens for chirstmas....it would be a christmas miracle but im hoping... i wont be getting anything or much of anything for christmas sense me and the hubs are poor and told the fams we couldnt afford gifts and to not feel obligated to get us somehting...so this yr knowing i wont get much all I want is to loose the weight....I would love to start 2013 at 115....

we can always hope....right?

leave me and just let me die

Im soo fed up right now....

Im doing horrible I feel horrible and of coarse my weight is not doing what I want... my bday is saturday and im not near what I want to be.. my weight keeps jumping around for no reason...

monday I barely ate and threw up.... it was a rough day to say the least...

Tuesday weight was back to 122.4... better but not exactly what I hoped.. worked both jobs so no time to eat much.. had a small slice of italian bread and a rockstar..worked till 1:30 and came home ate a piece of bread with a smear of mayo and cheese....

Today.. FUCKING PISSED!! my weight was 124.0 WTF how in the hell do i jump from 122 to 124 when i barely ate at all.... the only thing i cant think is im retaining water from being at work all day and not being able to drink....either way I was soo upset that I went out and bought two bottles of laxs this morning before work....already took about 8... i havent been taking laxs because i havent been eating much and purging most everything.. but ive gotten so annoyed i couldnt help it

i have 3 days till my bday and 4 till I have a big photo shoot.. and right now im not wanting anything to do with either....I dont want to celebrate... I feel like theres nothing to celebrate... what me being a giant fat ass...great...

and I know Im gonna have to purge alot on saturday cause of meeting and going with ppl places for my bday....

just lock me away...

weekend up date

Thursday: Worked all day managing to have a few crackers here and there. not much going on that day

Friday: 122.2... Went to work in the morning expecting to have a friend meet with me after work. well the work day sucked and then to top it off I got blown off.. AWESOME... so I was angry and in a mood when i came home.. hubs and I went to Maxs and Ermas where I bought two acholic drinks and ate half a club sandwhich and a few fries... which I purged when i got home :/... went to bed due to having to work all day on saturday.

Saturday: 121.4....fuckin weight... had a natural juice for breakfest. worked all day took a 15 min break drank an energy drink and went back on shift...the morning sucked the evening was better... I got home super late and hubs was still in bed.. I ate a piece of weat bread with a smear of mayo and a piece of cheese and went to bed...

Sunday: 123.6...WTF how did i gain when i didnt eat anything but a piece of cheese bread the day before.. WTF... fuck you weight.... un eventful day hubs got home and we of corse got pizza..ate one piece and purged it....got drunk took laxs and went to bed

Today....dont know my weight after puking like 3 times last night from eating and drinking... i woke up late and couldnt weigh before running to work... so I am basically doing horrible.. I purge almost everything I eat... little bits whatever.. I try to just not eat cause I actually hate throwing up... but when i do eat even a little i cant help but think it has to get out of mee faaassstt!!!....idk my bday is almost here and I am not down to the weight I want to be which is depressing.... I feel fat and gross and dont even want to celebrate.... this is just disgusting... why cant I just be thin and happy?

to much to ask for I guess...

Maybe not...

So I didnt weigh today I feel fat as hell tho and yesterday I weighed in at 123.8 again but then moved my scale and after moving it it kept saying 124.2...FML so Im worried I dont wanna move back up I have a full work schedule this weekend so its gonna be nuts... my emotions and tiredness from work are making it hard to resist food...

today ive already failed but because Im so tired I plan on just sleeping after work when i get home.... Im hopeing that this weekend will shed some weight off sense I work so much and wont have time to eat tho I also know i dont drink enoug hwater at work because we cant drink on the floor. so i have a feeling im gonna start retaining water :(

lets just hope that i can make it through the weekend of else theres gonna be alot of booze binging and puking....


I feel digusting...i hate my body :(

progress...maybe!

sorry ive been gone when im not at work i dont have internet.. so my first day at my new/second job went great. I think im gonna enjoy it... and on opening day i was happily down to 122.2.... idk how it happened.. well i mean i do.. restricting and purging everything i eat.. lol but idk i hadent thought it went down.. unfortunatly im back up for the past two days to 123.8....

so far today im not doing great.. ate a plain bagel with a lil butter.. and kept it down.. uhg i wont be eating for the rest of the day I have a photoshoot tonight and i dont want to have a puffy gut :(

I still feel giant.... I hate it I just want to be down at least to 115....Im hoping all the work will help... seemed to last week .. and Im working alot this week driving from job to the other so no time for food.

my bday is coming up and I want to be 115 sooo bad its like 2 weeks away and I dont think im gonna get there :( im so sad

The Liebster Blog award

I have been nominated twice for the Liebster Blog award. Thanks to the ladies who did really makes me feel like I have somone out there who cares. IDK how to link stuff so Im gonna try

Thanks to: https://profiles.google.com/108998457111097372991#108998457111097372991/about and http://genna-2o.blogspot.com/

Thanks girls for nominating me :)

The Rules:
Once you are nominated, in your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them.

11 Things about Lila:
1. I have a B.A. in theater arts acting
2. I live in michigan but want to go to Cali
3. Im married and have been with my husband for 7 yrs.
4. My 26 bday is in 2 weeks (im freaked)
5. I love the color Green
6. my natural hair is Brown most ppl think the auburn color it is is natural.
7. I have a dog who i love..he is a boxer
8. I've been modeling for the past 2 yrs.
9. I love to cook, I just hate to eat it.
10. People dont know who I really am...I sometimes forget and get lost in the role Ive created for myself.
11. I have few actual friends...my best friend knows most everythign about me and accepts me and doesnt judge me because of it...she lives in NC now I rarely see her :/

Answers for Genna 2.0
1- What is your greatest addiction? my greatest addiction is my weight...Im addicted to knowing the numbers.. also Im addictied to the feeling of being wanted ...It makes me feel better and happier to know someone wants me even if they cant have me
2- What is the one thing you have done/caused that you are proud of? I am proud that I followed my dreams of acting and modeling and that I havent given up on them dispite the rough life ive had sense college
3- Whom do you admire most? (can be living or dead, famous or commonor) I admire my sister.. she is an amazing person and strives to do what she loves. I also admire Audrey Hepburn she was a beautiful amazing actress (who also suffered from an E.D)
4- If you could "steal" one SuperHero / SuperVilain 's powers who's would it be AND why? idk but I would want to shapeshift so I coul be whatever I wanted
5- Have you ever "googled" yourself? (or any kind of "search engine" yourself) Yes
6- Honestly? Wow! Ok do so now and write the answer this question with the first result appearing (you may google your blogger name if anonimity is as important to you as it is to me :-)en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lila
7- What is your favorite television show? As in you loyaly watch every week, begging for next week to come...well classic is the Simpsons.. and I love the Vampire Diaries tho I will miss this weeks because of work.
8- Which is your favorite season and why? I like them all LOL
9- What is the one thing people constantly tell you/ask you that you ABSOLUTELY HATE HEARING? in the modeling business ppl tell me its nice to see someone who isnt stick then and has curves.. I hate this because obvi I hate my curves and to me you just called me fat...I also hate being asked "are you ok" a million times
10- What is your current level of education? (ex: mine is HighSchool Graduate, Bartending Drop-Out & Advertisement Student)I graduated college and have a B.A. in theater arts and a minor in Media Communications
11- If you could teleport 6people to your house right now, who would it be. (must be alive atm) My best friend, her hubby and baby, johnny dept (just cause who doesnt want him in your house lol), my husband so I could see him for once insted of always being at work. annnndd idk lol im kinda lame lol

Answers for Katie Elizabeth
1: What is your favorite childhood memory? my fav. memory would be vacationing at my familys vacation spot when i was younger, my fav uncle lives there and me and my sister sat around the table with him and my aunt and played some marble game... we joked alot and i laughed so hard i fell out of my chair.
2: What is the name for your first kid when you have them? if its a boy Ezekiel and if its a girl Isis
3: What is your favorite style to wear your hair in? well my hair is now to short to do much with so i like to straighten it.. its cut like a bob
4: Mac or PC? Gateway :)
5: Do you have pets? If so, how many and what kind? I have one dog and I have a Rabbit
6: What is your nervous habit? I shake my legs alot I also find anything to play with and roll it in my hands tear paper ect. I also bite my lips and peel the skin off them (its gross)
7: Who is your best friend and why? we will call her CMP she has been my friend since middle school who look alike and were mistaken for sisters all the time we finally convienced half the school including teachers that we were cousins. she knows everyhthing about me and never judges. she lives states away now but when we do see each other its like we just hung out the day before. she is truely amazing
8: What color would you choose to paint your room? my room is tan and brown I also painted trees on the one wall :) I love it thats what i chose
9: Where is your dream vacation? I would love to go to ireland or scottland to learn about my heritage.
10: What is your favorite genre of movies? I love thrillers, I also like comedies and some scary movies if they are the make you jump kind and not the gross goar kind
11: What kind of music do you listen to? I listen to everything except country.. I like R and B but also love the classic rock and inde sound... oh and dubstep :)

SOO now I nominate ppl...I dont have 11 sorry Ill try and get more later...idk how to do this link thing so it may be messed up lol


lovelyyou http://the-beauty-of-bones.blogspot.com/
The Best Skinny lil bitch in the world http://www.blogger.com/profile/05506883029824701975
lolita http://www.blogger.com/profile/08248377476158110337

11 questions for the Ladies:
1. what is your dream job?
2. if you could switch with any person for a day who would it be and why?
3. do you have siblings and have you ever been jealous of them for any reason?
4. if you could choose anywhere.. where would you live?
5. what is your fav pass time hobby?
6. Have you ever been in love.. how many times?
7. if you had to get a tattoo this second.. what would it be and why?
8. have you ever had a surgery? (cosmetic or emergency)
9. whats your greatest childhood fear( any answers about weight dont count)
10. do you have a favorite relitive? if yes why are they your fav?
11. if you could meet in person any of your blogger followers or blogger mates that u share with.. would u?

ok yay thanks to everyone I will blog tmrw on whats up... im working a ton so its CRAZY!!

work work work...

I have been MIA.... I have been training like crazy for my new job.... i havent weighed in days ..mainly cause im nervous...I havent been eating much because Ive been crazy busy I take my test today for work this will determine if i actually start working the job on saturday when we open... Im freaking I have been studying all night but I have bad anxiety when it comes to tests... like BAD so im really hopeing i do ok... the running around and everything does help with the eating Im hopeing to keep up with it.. Im actually looking forward to having a more fast paced job where I can get away with not eating and dont have ppl concerned with it.. I have about two and a half weeks till my birthday... i KNOW Im not close to what I wanted to be... I was hoping for 110 HAHAAHAA yea right fat ass... Ill be lucky if I can get to 115 by then.... if all goes well the next couple of days I plan to weigh in on thursday... I start work saturday if I pass my test and lets at least hope for 125... the uniforms are more then revealing... sigh why do i do these things to myself.... at least keeps me very motivated.. everytime i want to eat i think of one of the WAAY skinny girls ill be working with and how fat I'll look next to them... usually keeps me from putting anything in my mouth... i gotta get it together.... being this giant is unacceptable..

some one please just kill me now

Fuck I couldnt blog yesterday due to I hate myself.... weight was upp to 126.. WTF HOW!!??!?!?! I didnt weigh today.. I just couldnt... Im not looking forward to tmrw and already planning on purging thanksgiving dinner... just have to find the right time to do it... I hate myself right now.. I hate how clothes feel on my body I hate how I look in the mirror I hate the damn fat ass number on the scale.. its disgusting... I start training for my new job on saturday and am excited having two jjobs will mean no time at home to eat no time for food and because Im poor I never have money to buy food anyway... Im just... in the worst mood.. I hate my life and just want for once to be back down to the weight I used to be... I cant wait for this stupid fat ass week to be over...

FML

I am still at 125.. I feel like a complete failure.... I have been restricting and drinking water aand doing everything possible and I cant seem to lose... its upsetting me soo much to know that thanksgiving is almost here and I am still at 125... Im a cow. knowing this is making that lil voice telling me to just risk it and purge on thursday, more and more reasonable. theres no way I can digest the food Im going to have to consume on thursday when i am this big...no way! i work all day and am planning on stopping by the drug store to get laxs for that day the only thing that sucks is that I have to work EARLY on friday which means the laxs are gonna kick in at work if I dont plan right and take them at the right time... I cant handle his.... Im drinking detox tea and have brought 3 other teas with me to work to get me through the day... I dont plan on eating dinner... Im hoping by the time i get home my husband will have already ate and wont ask me to join him. tmrw I have a busy day but unfortunatly a pizza party for the new job i got... I wont be eating any.. tho i love pizza being in a room full of skinny girls will help me keep from eating.. I plan on bring a large bottle of water with me and just water logging to keep me full. Im so depressed lately ....I stopped my meds due to they are causing my insomnia to be worse and with my stress level being so high i cant handle the stress and no sleep so i cut my meds.. im doing alright without them... i have a "friend" to talk too which helps alot... can i please just sleep through thanksgiving please

not budging

So my weight is not moving.. Im still at 125 and its driving me insane.. this stress Im dealing with in my life including major finacial issues....holidays...work ect. is only make my go more crazy about my weight... I am so down about our money problems... I am literally dead broke....the only thing holding me together is the thought that maybe, just MAYBE i can drop some weight... I have just been soo down... and I didnt sleep well last night do to stress... so this morning was a disaster before i even stepped on the scale and saw the same stupid fat ass number... the days are ticking by and Im afraid that if I dont loose something before the holiday im going to be soo distraught im gonna end up making foolish decisions and do something stupid thursday.... I just want to go to sleep and not wake up to be honest

A tea day

So back to work FINALLY!!! Im happy to be back its way easier to control my food intake when Im working. Im still stuck at my dreaded 125 mark... I injured my tail bone over the weekend and so its a bit sore still. but I am determined to get back to normal... we have like 9 days till thanksgiving and I am not at the weight I would prefer before a holiday... I would like to get back down to 120 by thanksgiving so thats what im gonna try and do in 9 days.... its been miserable inside my head lately... like I dont want to look at myself nor do i want anyone else looking at me.... I try and not let it get to me but it does... and I know it gets to my husband... sometimes I think he just doesnt care or want to deal with it anymore so he just lets me do whatever... other times i think he literally just doesnt know what to do... my husband is very aware of my issues...sometimes I think he maybe doesnt know the severity.. but other times I think well he really cant be that blind not to see it... he knows i use laxs..a lot... he knows I dont eat much and that if he isnt there i probably am not eating much,..he also knows I purge... the only thing with that is weather or not he knows how much i purge... its a bit shameful for me.. I know im f'ed up and that i should try more to be normal insted of just indulging in this side of things... but part of me cant take the weight gain and food intke when I try and let go and be "normal"... I love thanksgiving its one of my fav holidays.. the smells and tastes of my moms cooking is wonderful... tho theres a big part of me that gets more and more anxious knowing its getting nearer and that on that day so much family will be there and I wont be able to purge after eating... the stares and looks if I dont eat a decent amount... but Im trying to push those thoughts aside and just focus on losing weight before then. Im drinking tea and water all day to try and get any extra water weight out, I've had a qaurter of a sandwhich and dont plan on eating dinner. stay strong everyone... holidays are hard

mini post

So its been a min. I have been off work so I haven't had internet. I'm posting from my phone which sucks. I have had good and bad days... I was doing amazing! By Friday I was down to 123!! I was soo excited my restricting and purging was finally paying off.. however I had to go to a work party with my husband Saturday night Nd made the mistake of smoking a joint and eating and not purging...then on top of that Sunday I had to go to a baby shower my family and mom where there so I had to eat and because I had orientation right after I had no time to purge.. I was bloated and disgusting feeling.. and because of that today I'm back up to 125 :( fuck! So now that the weekends over I'm back to what I do best.. I start training on wed and will he very busy working two jobs now... The uniform I have to wear is very revealing for this waitress job so its gonna force me to loose so I can look as good as the other tiny waitresses.. I feel like a complete fat ass compared to them :( I'm hoping to get back to 123 or less by Saturday. Here's to hoping I can...

lets hope for the best!

So today back up to 125.8 which is only a .6 gain ... which is better then i expected based on the fact that I ate a sandwhich last night and kept it down.. and also had a few vodka orange juices....

and this morning did start off good considering i had an english muffin...fml whats wrong with me..
drank two mugs of tea hoping that will keep away any hunger... bad news is Im off work for like 5 days... thats the worst because being at work helps keep me from eating...

Im going to be doing everything possible to keep myself busy so that I dont make a pig of myself and gain back the weight I lost.... Im like really wanting to loose at least 2lbs by monday... and so far im kinda stuck...

I just have to be strong.... i can resist....

a bit of light

Thank the lord I at least managed to get down to 125.4 for saturdays party.. still felt huge but way better then being 128... and I have maintained the 125ish number for the past three days... sunday was 125.6 and today was 125.2...

Im finally getting back into things... bad in some ways but honestly the number going down makes it soo worth it... I am not onto my next goal of 5lbs.... Im feeling if I keep up what I have been doing.. heavy restricting and exercise I should be able to possibly get at least half that off by next monday...

Im still feeling pretty shitty... Im layering on clothes like it was noones business... I cant stand how i look at the moment... I even hate my face..and with the new short hair cut its hard for me to hide it...

I really want to start doing a bit of modeling again but its hard for me to picture doing it when all i see is a fat ugly slob.... I havent done a modeling shoot since I put the weight on.... but with my new hair I need new headshots and such...

its a pain... i think Id feel a little better about it if I can get down to 120....lets hope so...

I just feel ugly... i like my new hair its cute... but modeling wise I thinking Im not as attractive now that my long hair is gone and feel like the pictures wont be as good :/

sigh

too little too late?

Things have just not been going well.. first off my fast didnt last and got screwed up because of situations i cant control.

tmrw I have to have dinner with a friend of mine which means food.. :( Im gonna order a salad no matter where we go and hope i can handle eating it.. I have purged almost everything I have eatin in the past two days... my weight was of corse up on monday but I have no idea where I am at now... I didnt have time to weigh this morning..

Im dreading saturday as I look and feel like a damn hippo and have to wear a skimpy costume to this party...

I want to die like seriously....

working out then running errands after work... lets hope I can stay busy today.. help keep my mind at ease

Ravenous for thin!

So idk what it is.. could be that the scales where up this morning.. which i expected... could be the weather...could be that Im pissed at life right now...could be that i feel bloated and disgusting but I have NEVER wanted to be thin SOOOOO bad then I do right now... well i take that back cause back in college I wanted it badly but got closer then ever to achieving my goals....

but idk today I have just been thinking thin all day.. I want it I need it.. I miss it....
I hate my body I dont care much for my life right now... all I want is to be skinny again... I drank two cups of detox tea this morning and just got done with an exercise ruetiene that I will probably repeat later when Im home from work......most likely twce

I am tired... Im tired of being fat and feeling so disgusted with myself that I dont want to look at my own reflection... Tired of seeing friends and family members skinnier then me and being envious and wishing I looked like them... Tired of struggling and not loosing...

I'm tired of being someone Im not to please those around me.. Im tired of eating cause I "have" too

So you know what.. Im done!

I am gonna do what I do best and thats restrict.....purge...over exercise...be skinny or at least do everything I can to get there...Im gonna go back to being the person i know best the person that makes me happy .. the person that gets me closer to my goals...

I want ppl to look at me once again and say youve lost weight or you look good.. or wow your so skinny... I want it!

Today is for me! Im done doing things for others

Cramps from hell!

so I have been having major cramps the past two days.... I never have cramps when I am on my period but this time I am and they are bad....like hurting so bad making me queezy...uhg

my weekends didnt exactly go the way I wanted as my meeting got cancled and so I ended not being as busy and hung out with..a friend ...and ended up eating more then I wanted... I didnt over eat... or eat a ridiculous amount.. but i ate things i shouldnt have...

then last night after getting home i drank beer hoping the slight buzz would help with my cramps I ate dinner with my husband and of corse purged after.... then took a bunch of laxies... s I have been going to the bathroom all day...

I havet weighed because I am afraid Im back up from the weekend or worse .... I have a halloween party on Nov. 3rd and if my costume comes in on time I will be wearing it... however I need to get my act together ... so the plan is to start a fast tmrw and try and do it for at least 3 days... I cant start today as I have plans tonight with a family member and I cant not eat dinner with them without causing suspicion...

uhg so I'll be weighing myself in the morning although I wont want to after having to eat dinner the night before without purging.... but I want a start weight before fasting.

wish me luck I would love to at least get down to 125 by saturday for the party...

on edge

Im soo irritated today... dont know if it was the lack of sleep I got last night or what but I just dont want to deal with anything.

despite my slight weight drop down to 126.2 I am still irritated.. its not good enough but I guess its something(if I can keep it off)  ... no doubt just water weight from purging and using the toilet so much.

neway more and more guilt keeps riding up on me due to just circumstances that have nothing to do with me but remind me of the choice Ive made. tho I know it is wrong and not trying to make an excuse for it, in some slight way Im not as upset about it as I should be because in some since I needed it....

newho blah blah on things I cant even admit to fully out load... considering its a secret in my life that will never be told to anyone... except possibly eventually the one person I should tell...

neway I have a terrible headache from being so on edge and not sleepeing well my neck and shoulders kill from sleeping on my one side for the past week since I cant sleep on my bruised thigh...

just bad in general... I wanna just sleep through the weekend .. or how about the rest of the month....


sorry for a bitchy post... I just needed it...

middle day

I hate wed. ....  the middle of the week is hard for me specially when i havent accomplished anything the first half of the week....

I have a very long weekend ahead of me... Im going to try my hardest not to let temptations get the best of me... hopefully I can get through saturday without eating.... I have alot of driving to do that day and will be busy with stuff so I am hoping I can do it....

I have started trying to do some light exercises that dont use to much of my hurt leg... Im hoping that will help me loose... I just gotta get some of this weight off before I go insane .. I have suditions and stuff and I have to set up a shoot for after the weekend to update my headshots since my hair will be changing.... and I cant stand the thought of doing a photo shoot at this weight.... specially after the last shoot i did which has been about a month now... i havent been able to bring myself to do one since then....

this particular shoot was after I had gained the weight i had and the photographer made a comment about my bigger thighs :( and how they where bigger then the last time we shot together.... it took everything for me not to cry right then....

so since then i havent set foot infront of a camera... im determined to not shoot again till i get back down to at least 120...

which will hopefully be sooner then later :/

grey weather for a grey mood

no new results in weight today still at 127..... part of the problem I know is that I currently cant work out... Thursday night/early morning I fell down my attic stairs. This resulted in a huge bruise on my thigh.... I mean huge..its dark purple I have carpet burn, there are several other bruises but the one on my thigh is the worst... it hurts when im not even doing anything..

so I have been eating as little as possible to counter the fact that I cant do much in workouts till its more healed. I hate being stuck at this huge size... expecially with the holidays right around the corner....

My birthday is in about a month and a half and I am desperate to get down to at least 115 by my birthday...thats a total of 12lbs in 52 days..... yes i know it seems like a little amount in a long amount of time but my body hates me and never wants to lose the weight...

Im still struggling with some life choices I have made lately that dispite my blog being under a different name I still cant bring myself to admit to it, even on here....well struggling isnt the right word...just trying to figure out why im necessarily ok with the choices...

I have been off and on my medications which I know isnt good specially because they are for my depression... but I suprisingly havent been feeling really low or crazy sad like normal when i go off them... just kind of ....static...which is weird like im just drifting not happy not sad just ..am...

thinking about doing a detox soon... and actually sticking to it.. I have tried the past two weeks but they last a day before I am forced to eat dinner with my husband...which then I purge.... I havent kept down a dinner in 3 weeks... my lunches(if i eat lunch) consist of a half a sandwhich... I keep that down but dinner is totally different....anything no matter how healthy or how much i eat at dinner gets thrown up... its a bad habit to be back in but for some reason i cant stop myself...Im falling back down this hole... I'm letting her take control ...and in some ways I dont care...

fail

so i have been a major fail at writing and posting.. I have read blogs and such... just been in such a funk cant seem to pull myself out of it and get my mind back to posting...

things have certainly been weird and different... Im still struggling with losing the disgusting weight I have put on....ready to admit that I am currently at 127lbs :( so sad and fustrated with myself fo letting it get so high but I am determined...

sadly I have started purging on a regular basis again and using laxs... I have been taking ephedra and asprin again as well ...

I will try and keep up with the posting and get some updates on the fucked up life that Ive been leading the past couple months.... its rediculous and wrong in so many ways...

stay strong to everyone reading

F*CK ME

I am getting desperate... I am miserable and hate my body... I havent been this high in weight in 3 yrs..... I have started taking every diet pill in my house to try and loose weight.....

which includes carb blockers acai berry pills and ephedra pills.... Ive become desperate and miserable about how fucking fat i am that I have even started smoking again....I also have been purging again any meal i do happen to eat.... barely any of my clothes fit I feel like a round disgusting piece of shit. I hate myself literally..

Im drinking tons of water and trying to eat as little as possible.. I have upcoming auditions and a film thats filming soon and I am dreading it cause I hate my body I cant stand the thought of doing the film at this weight....

PLEASE I gotta get this weight off..... I need all the support i can get ..... I am steps away from bad desicions


seriously I want to die..... except I would never want to leave this fat ass body behind as whateveryone will see as how i looked before death... uhg Im disgusting.....im fat .... I hate myself

time passes

Wow so its been ages since I last bloged.... so sorry... things have been...rough to say the least. I have put on weight when I am soo ashamed of and have been working to loose I have managed to slowly drop a few lbs but am FAR from where I want to be. I start filming in a few weeks and the thought of me being this heavy while filming is driving me insane.....

my goal right now is to loose at least 5 more lbs before filming starts... I have started a very intense work out  regimin and will be doing that along with cutting back on as much food as possible... I have once again started taking Ephedra+caffeine pills to help the wheight lose along and hopefully the combo works....

I am soooo sorry for not being here... there has been alot going on other then the weight gain... which is probably why I gained the weight in the first place.. stress always makes me gain and it sucks....my hrs at work have been cut and I have been trying to find extra work and money where ever i can.

im sorry and will try and get back into blogging and reading up on everyone elses blogs as well...

no thoughts

so I leave today after work to head to my inlaws.... this is going to be a sad and exhausting weekend...

Im still at a loss of words about the whole situation.... the only thing I have been able to think about is the death of my brother inlaw.

I will be all weekend..

hopefully everyone has a better weekend then me

bless all

Tragic events...unimaginable

So nothing like a tragic event to kick start my emotions and get me back on track....

I am still struggling to get out of the 120s... but due to a long weekend ahead i think will get there ....

unfortunatly my Brother inlaw commited suicide late tuesday night/wed morning....he left behind a 2 yr old son and a 8 month pregnant wife.... this is just.. idk i dont even know what to say.. I cant imagine.... and I couldnt imagine being her and finding him.... I was a wreck as well as my husband yesterday. he is worried most of all about is pregnant sister...

I drank myself silly last night untill I was sick.... we leave friday to go to the viewings and will be at my inlaws till monday morning.. well i will be i have to leave monday for rehersals and such my husband is going to stay with his sister till wed morning....

idk this has never happend.. i have had close relatives die but never commit suicide.. and we just saw all of them last firday and everything seemed fine.....


on another note I do feel im getting back on track with my weight gonna be losing and I HAVE to loose because.... I was cast as the female lead in my first paid full length feature film! its still technically considered indie but its paid and i got the lead so i will be working hard to get back down to at least 115 by the time filming starts..... thats the one good thing about knowing i will be filming or shooting it pretty much forces me to keep my act together...

newho I hope all is well with everyone... please keep my family in your thoughts this is a hard time for my sister inlaw and her son.. and will be even harder when she delivers her second child in october :/

emotionally broken

I am just having a week from hell emotionally.... Idk everything just keeps piling up and its just boiling over and my emotions are starting to spill all over the floor...

what sucks is some of it is due to a situation im in and cant really discuss with anyone and that is making it very hard for me because im struggling with why i am in this situation and dealing with what to do aboutit....

that on top of my sleep deprivation is crippling me....everything is just insane....

I was down today again on the scale... still not an exceptible number for me... nothing in the 20s is ever exceptible.....so i ate nothing all day yesterday then when my hubs came home caved and ate a sandwhich .... which then i imidiatly purged completely.... today has been nothing but a piece of toast and a handfull of cheese its.... im going to work out today after doing laundry and plan on not eating for the rest of the night since i have an audition saturday and am going to have to eat friday when i visit my inlaws.. :/

I feel fragile and vulnerable inside and yet i still feel like a fat disgusting blob on the outside....

She attacks hard, and I surrender

So things have just been bad lately.... I have been moody and depressed. Im not sleeping as much as I should due to my insomnia....

last night I layed awake for hrs.. and of corse at my tired and fragile state is when "she" makes her move... I layed awake for hrs on end listening to her repeate over and over in my head what a disgusting fat failure I am.....

no matter what I couldnt shut her out.. she just kept going on and on... this morning i was a blank slate of tiredness and complete hate for myself.. even the lower number on the scale didnt help... as I stood there I just thought thats not an achieve ment ....

sigh I hate how im feeling.. but because of the constant ramble of thoughts I awoke with no appitite what so ever... food literally is disgusting me..... yesterday i made it through the day only consuming around 400 cals... today I feel as I wont be able to put a single piece of food in my mouth with out her scream of disapointment.....

I feel as if i will never be skinny... I will never make my goal..... I feel lower then low and I hate it...

Im hopeing this gets better soon.....

after vacay post

well i managed to only gain 1.5 lbs on vacay... ehich is a record for me.. but i am way higher then i want to.. I am getting over a cold and since i am almost 100% i am going to start a detox tmrw. gonna do it for 7 days and see where it gets me. if i feel i can continue it after 7 days i may....

Im also sticking with my working out now that im not sick any more....

i had a good vacay but alas constintly thought of my weight and now that im back my mind is flooded with the issues i left behind when i went on vacay.... so once again im swamped with thoughts and worry...

also still having major issues with my insomnia due to the new meds.... i wake up so often i never wake up in the morning feeling rested... it really sucks...


i hope all is well with everyone sorry i was gone for so long

not ok

uhg so i weighed this morning and was def. upset about the number on the scale... I dont even want to say it cause it disgusts me... to make matter worse my fam leaves for our vacation on sunday....I am far from being at a comfortable weight to be on vacay.....I have 4 days 5 if you count the day we leave....I am going to try my hardest to just drink as much water as possible to help me drop any water weight and then just eat as little as I can get away with....

what sucks is I really was hoping I wouldnt have to worry about weight on vacation... but now I am going to be obbsessed with it... I always worry about gaining on vacation but this is now going to be horrible.... I know I'm gonna try and restrict which will be hard when I am with all my fam and they will be watching.....but i have no choice at this point.. I refuse to come back from vacation and be near 130 or something .... so plan is to just get away with eating as little as possible there too.... if i keep myself busy enough it should be easy and try and trim foods whenever i can.. slip it to the dog whatever.....

I will beat being fat... I will be thin again....been working out again for the ast 3 days... will continue with that on vacation too....

thin till the end!

time to go back to what I'm used to

So I am getting fed up with weighing the same and weighing in the 120's... its disgusting.... and I am really starting to get seriously upset with my body and how gross and disgusting it looks and how fat I am and feel.... to the point where last night after getting into an argument with my husband I sat naked on the bahroom floor beating the shit out of myself... like literally sitting there punching myself in the legs and stomach... IDK why this happened and its not something that occurs often tho it has before in the past.....I think about it and think WTF is wrong with me why would I do that.....idk I guess everything boiled over and I had so much pain and rage that I needed to take it out and I felt it was my fault so why not take it out on me....

NEways I'm ok and not wanting  that to happen again as I am now bruised and feel stupid and ashamed that I physically beat myself.

but I am now determined that being thin and back to where I was at a smaller weight would solve all this shame and feelings of disgust.. so I am going back to a strict and excessive workout routine weather I want to work out or not I am going to do it twice a day more if I feel the need... once at work and then again at home.... and along with that I am going back to cutting most foods out of my diet... fruit and veggies will be ok and aloud when I am extreamly hungery only....

I cannot stand this feeling anymore and its time to go back to how I used to be with this and weather or not its healthy or I'm not eating right at this point I really could care less... I lived like that for yrs and the past yr tried to eat "better" and more normal healthy meals and you know what... its just not working and I end up gaining and that is NOT ok....so thats it noone is going to tell me any different at this point when I reach my goal weight then I will consider adding more foods back but untill then I'm back to what I know best......

stuck

uhg I hate this I am still stuck at 121 once again... it has been like a week and I remain the same... I hate it.... my fams vacay is coming up in 12 days and I am just not comfortable with myself..... I am going to try extreamly hard to try and at least drop down to 115 before then.... I can not go into vacation weight 121 or else I will end up coming out of vacay weighing like 125.. or worse more!

so the stratagey is to cut out all "bad" foods only eat veggies and fruit when I do it something and to restrict and eat as little calories as possible... no pop to take away bloat and lots more water and gum!

I'm hopeing this works... droping the weight would take a lil stress off... I'm still dealing with some confusing things in my life right now.....and the fact that I feel I cant control the feelings and situation is driving me nuts so what can I control... my food intake and weight and that is exactly what I am going to do!


lets hope I can get this weight under control......

thinking

So i come to the conclusion I think waaaayy to much.. it really sucks.. i worry about everything and everyone...

I weighed 121.6 this morning ... my weight has been up and down between that and 123 for the past two weeks,... it sucks!

I just wanna lose this damn weight!! I have a bunch of shit to do after work so that will keep me out of my house and not thinking about food... i havent ate anythign today and i wanna keep it that way.

I have a feeling I'm gonna have to eat at some point tmrw... uhg I hate it

 I hate when I feel like I HAVE to eat cause i'm around others or whatever... i just feel forced and that only makes me not want to eat even more....

uhg sorry not much to say recently... just dealing with some things....

insanity

So my weight today was 123.0 .. fuck me! sorry for the language but I cant seem to kick this damn weight....back down under 120.....

today I have had an energy drink and 2 eggs... I work all day so I am not eating dinner.

I have a crazy busy weekend ahead of me so I am hopeing that I will be able to drop some keeping myself busy this weekend.

I dont have much else to say... there are just still some weird things going on. and my insomnia is still acting up.. grrr I wake up at 5am no matter what time i get up

I think I'm going insane

confusion

Hey all. sorry i am soo off and on about writing lately.... things have just been nuts over here...

Idk what I currently weigh... last time I was 121....however I have eatin next to nothing the past 3 days and might have droped a little....

my weekend wasnt to bad tho I am going through some weird and confusing things.....I put myself into situations that I shouldnt and then cant get out of them...idk why i do it I shouldnt .....uhg

idk my mind is literally a blur, racing and I cant seem to think clearly....

right now the only thing that makes me feel any better is restricting....so I'm gonna just continue on with drinking my energy drinks and not having any meals... hopefully I can lose the weight I want... the fact that I am back in the 120 area is driving my insane.... I film this coming weekend and would be really happy if I could drop under 120 by then...

we will see...

half goods

so the past couple of days have been 50/50 on the good scale. I have been managing only one small meal a day.... today I'm heading out with some friends to celebrate their finals being over.

So plan is not to eat at all today.. I have an energy drink to have while at work then its home to get ready and then off to have some drinks....I'm also hopeing I can get away with not eating friday either... but idk how well that will go since the hubby is off with me all day. I have a bikini test shoot sat and I'm dreading it because my legs are just not toned up the way I want them to be the middles are just so jiggly I hate it.

todays weight was 121.5 ....not happy with it but I'll take it over 124.... I'm hopeing with no eating today and hopefully not eating friday or saturday that I can possibly get to 120 or 119.... we will see

gotta stay hydrated and drink water so I dont retain it... so goal is to just drink water everytime I start to think about food and keep myself busy.... dance workouts everyday as those are always fun followed by some light exercise....

I'm gonna be 110 by sugust... I have to prove to myself I can do it.....so I dont loose hope and drop back into a depression mode again...

uhg weekends

Back from the weekend weight has been up and down.. one point got to 119.... didnt weigh in this morning  I think i'm back to 122.

I worked at the Warp Tour friday which was exhausting...my insomnia has been brutal and even after working outside all day friday I could only manage 4 hrs of sleep.

I'm glad the weekends over cause now I can be at work and its easier not to eat during the day. I am really starting to hate weekends.... neway I'm going to be trying to eat as little as possible for the rest of the month... it wont be to hard and if I can manage to book jobs for the weekends then I wont have to worry about them either..

I just gotta get this weight off one way or another. I cant stand my body at this point. in august I will be going on vacay and I want to finally be at 110 for it... but thats like 12lbs at least to loose by then.. the only way its going to happen is if I try and eat basically nothing at all... or as little as posible....I grocery shopped yesterday so theres food for the hubs to eat and if I make him dinner he usually doesnt pay attention to whether or not I'm eating any of it....

I've gotta do this....

Gone so long

Sorry to all. I know I havent updated in sooo long. I was out of work for about a week and a half and had no internet access.

not much has changed.. well some things have.. I ent on a weekend with my hubs and it was very much needed ...relaxing and such.

I had a doctors apointment last week and discussed some things with my doctor and he decided to switch my medication that I take for anxiet and depression. So far I am feeling better.. in the sence that I am not sad all the time and am not just crying over every little thing that happens....

bad thing is that I havent been sleeping well since I started it...one of the side effects is insomnia.. which I already had a mild case of it anyway but for the past month had been doing better...well since starting the new meds I havent gotten a full nights sleep in 4 days... I wake up anywhere between 3 and 5 and then cant go back to sleep... it sucks but hopefully it fades...

I am sadly stuck back at the disgusting number of 124....I hate it with all my being....dispite not being so overwlemed with saddness I still feel such hatred towards my body.... the past week and a half I have been eating one meal a day (usually dinner) and even that is small. I have been slowly cutting more and more stuff out of my diet....I have been basically living off energy drinks.. I have one everyday and then eat a small meal at night and if I can I dont eat at all. the energy drinks mixed with my meds(which also make me a bit sick to my stomach as a side effect) keep me from getting hungry... by the time dinner comes I'm barely hungry for anything...

I go on a vacay in august and am determined to at least get back down to 115 before then... luckily my husband is wanting to work out and eat "right" and so thats helping cause then i dont feel pressured to eat as much... I just hate being this high in weight.. its quite disgusting.

on a plus note i have not purged since before going on my mini vacay weekend... I am proud but still fight the urge to purge anytime I eat....I want to kick that habit and not purge again... I unfortuantly am still stuck on the laxs tho... but have cut back how many i take... so slowly getting there... that fact that I'm stuck back at a weight I despise so much tho is making it really hard...

for those still keeping up with my blog thanks and i ppriciate everything... I will be back to posting everyday except weekends.

love you all and thanks I know I was such a downer two weeks ago but I am feeling much better (that is sad wise)

why

so things are worse then I thought... I weighed 124 yesterday...I'm soo disapointed in myself.. I cant even bare to look at my face in the mirror...I cant believe I let myself get back to this high of a weight.. I'm fucking disgusting!

I leave tmrw for a small 4 day vacay and thanks to this fatness that is happening I am going to be paranoid and worried all weekend....I just hate myself...

I look grose my stomach is all bloated.... needless to say knowing I weigh this much I am not going to be eating very much of anything while on vacay... its fine I'll be able to get away with it since we are just staying at a family house and have to bring our own food... noone else will be there either...

I am currently planing my next steps to buy more ephedra for when I get back...I know its not the best for you but It did help me loose in the past and I can not stand how I look right now ... I havent purged in like a week but knowing how fat I have gotten the only thing going through my head is purging up any lil thing that goes in my mouth...

I wont be writing again till I get back and after that I'm not sure if I will write... I will be off work untill july so I have no internet.. let hope the next time you hear from me I will have at least droped some weight.. cause at this rate I just dont even wanna be here or around anyone anymore...

digusted

over due update

ow.. I'm so sorry to everyone who follows me that I havent been posting.. things have been really hard for me lately...i just havent been up to writing lately, I have been dealing with a lot of finacial stress... I am dead broke... and I mean broke... like I can barely put gas in my car broke... I worked all weekend and then didnt get paid like i was suposed to :( such an annoyance.
on top of the finacial struggle my hubby didnt get the job he was up for so he is back to sending out resumes.. I am constatnly looking for paid work. I feel so stressed and run down and I'm starting to feel like its having its effects on my face...

my face has always been the one thing that never really bothered me about my body.. I always thought I looked ok.. not so much without makeup on but add some eyeliner and mascara and I would be ok with just that... but lately my eyes just arent the same.. circles under them my skin is breaking out from stress... so on top of my constant struggle wiht hating my fat ass body I'm now starting to hate my face as well..

IDK what I weight.. I havent weighed in a few days and have been doing not terrible but not great at eating... I'm back to obbsesivly taking laxs anytime i eat. :( it sucks.. i'm guessing that my weight is somewhere around 120.. which i hate... I just feel gigantic...

this week I am truely pushing myself to not eat or to eat as little as possible.. me and the hubby are leaving friday for a short 4 day weekend at our faimlys cottage.. it will be a no spend weekend just the two of us.. we plan on not spending any money and just vegging out. but I still feel self cousious about having to be in my bikini even around him :/

I just want to loose this damn weight....its hard cause I have been 115 before and right now I just want to get back there.. I just need to focus...at this rate I wont be able to afford food soon anyway so I wont have anything to eat...

I hate how things are right now :(

dead space

I'm still alive.. but struggling to hang on... I've been a depressed mess.. I continue to hate myself..weights been up and down from 117-121 the past week...


thats all I have in me right now.... hopefully I'll have the strength and mindset to post a better post soon...

shame

So do any diet pills or anything you can get at a store or online actually work? I'm looking for some honest answers here... I really just want to know if anything I can buy online or at a drug store actually works

I have tried several diet pills before but usually dont get much in results... I'm looking for something thats gonna make me not want to eat.. like totally kill my appitite....

any advice or comments are appriciated...

I really need to get this weight off and I feel the only way is to do something or take something that is going to lagit make me just not hungry and not want to eat...

I feel so damn disgusted with myself....

Hanging on..

..I'm still here... but I just cant do this right now... I'm still not doing well and know i have gained... i'm too ashamed to even say my weight.. i feel so low and horrible...

I am desperate to find a diet pill or something that will kill my appitite or make me loose weight fast.. I have two weeks to lose at least 5 lbs and I'm so anxious about it I wanna cry all the time :'(

i will hopefully be able to write more in a few days and catch up on blogs.. I'm so sorry.. I feel like such a failure...the hatred for myself grows everyday....

drag me down

I hate myself....

I'm not doing well...my anxiety..depression....I just want to curl up and never move

I havent weighed in 3 days.. partially afraid....purging laxs and whatever else is back in full effect...

I hate how my body feels its disgusting, I cant even look at myself...


I've gotta loose weight and I gotta loose it now...

thinking of going and buying any diet pills I can get and just taking them all...


I'm sorry to everyone....

I've only been skiming blogs lately,...I just feel like comlete garbage....

I'm sorry....

.......

..Dreaming of a thigh gap... the one thing I envy the most on skinny woman.....I feel like I will never get that skinny.. i'm 117 and have thighs that rub and are disgusting.....I wish I would lose weight from my thighs and stomach the way I do off my arms and chest.. :(

I hate this... I'm so gross and fat...

no more...

I feel like a a cow!

I tried to eat normally the past two days thinking I could do it and eat a small amount and be ok.. but no.. I of corse went right back into taking a mass amount of laxs everytime I ate... I also went back into purgeing.. I was doing so well before.. of corse i also wasnt eating...so thats the solution... I have decided that the only way I can lose weight and not be on laxs is to just not eat at all.... if I eat a lil I cant stop.. I end up eating more then I want.... and taking the laxs I dont want to go back to that...i'm soo disapointed and disgusted with myself...

I have refrained from cutting and have pushed the thought out of my head.. I have tho spent the last two or three nights binge drinking :( ... its what I do... as soon as I get into this funk I drink... and then get sick and feel awful... its horrible for my body I always wake up sick, sore and feeling awfule inside.

Tomorrow I am going full force back into the juice and water only... and nothing is going to stop me this time... I have not grovery shoped in two weeks and will continue to just not shop... the only things I have bought is milk and lunch meat (for my husbands lunches everyday) if theres not food for me to eat then I wont eat... my husband eats whatever so I just have been making whatever we have and thats fine with him ..... he also is aware I'm going back to the juiceing since I couldnt last the full 30 days...

I'm going to try and do it for the next 3 weeks straight.. I have an event in which I have to wear a bikini all day and right now the thought of me being in a bikini in front of others makes me want to cry.....

my body is a nightmare to me right now... I hate it.. it jiggles.. my thighs are disgusting and flabby....

someone just lock me away now....

FML

Fail... so this weekend was rough and draining and exhausting... I had a shoot friday which went well and then a fashion show sunday which was tiring... I ended up going off my juice fast, which has inturn made me feel like an epic failure on all counts... I also gained and so I'm back to 117...this is not what I wanted.. I feel huge I feel like a loser...
I have been craving ciggs for the last couple of days and have been debating buying a pack to help kill my appitite again...

I'm just gonna go...starting the juice fast over tmrw....jut gonna keep trying till i get there

I feel so disgusting and huge....FML I hate myself...

static

Day 12 Juice Fast

.....115.6......fml I dont understand how my body hates me so much.... this is the third day I have weighed the same and today I technically gained .2lbs.....yes I know its not alot but to me it is specially when I have been working so hard at the juice fast and working out....
What also sucks is that the book I'm following has a day to day journal of the authors last juice diet and by day 12 she was already down to 112.5... and she started at 127!! thats 4lbs more then when I started.

I'm getting irritated not to mention depressed and just ...bad... my anxiety is not going well... I worked out once today doing some crunches and leg lifts, plan on doing more after walking the dog later....my obbsesive working out is creeping back in on me
I'm just getting fed up with my stupid body..well I have news for it, I am not going to start transitioning back out of the juice fast untill I'm 107....thats it... I seriously dont care anymore... I have untill may 30th.. thats the day I am supposed to start eating fruit again. If I havent hit 107 by then I'm not going to eat. I'll just continue juiceing untill I hit it....

I am trying to not get to fed up cause before the fasting I had thoughts of cutting... which I never was a big cutter but did it a few times when I worked at a crazy stressful job... and I dont want to go back there...so I'm trying to keep my stress and anxiety down so the thoughts dont creep back in...

I seriously hate fat... I hate my body.... I sometimes wish I lived alone and didnt have to have any food in the house ever....

pause.. stay calm...

Day 11 juice fast

So yesterday ended fin I started a new work out plan to help along my fasting. it went well.. theres a different set of ruetine for each day that you follow. I'm gonna try it for a solid two weeks and see if i notice anything.

This morning was a little bit of a let down as I weighed the same 115.4...I'm hoping i'm not stuck and its just a result of me working out. I'm stick to it i have 20 days left of the juice fast if I go the whole 30 days (which I am) which is 15 days more of just juice before I tranistion back out and add solid fruits and veggies back...

I am really hopeing this works and I can finally get under 110... it would be a dream seriously....

today I'm just in a mood.. feeling sluggish and tired...no energy really...no doubt from the lack of food and calories, on average I've been consuming somwere around 250-300 cals a day of just liquid.. I havent had a diet soda in 11 days and no other caffienated beverage... but in a way It feels soo good...

I just want my body to show the weight lose... I'm starting to think that no matter what i weigh I'm always going to look like a chubby short girl.... theres literally no differences in my measurements dispite the lose of weight.... which just makes me feel...well... fat..

I hate not being happy with how i look but I just cant help it.. my body doesnt look the way it should I know girls who are 115 who wear size 3 pants... i wear a 5/7.....

I feel like I can never win no matter what...

Its gotta be a dream

Day 10 Juice fast

So yesterday went great stuck with my juice fast drinking vegetable juice in the morning (60 cals) and 2 cups of berry juice in the evening for dinner (280 cals) leaving my totally cals for the day at only 340!
after work I got home and weighed myself..normally I dont weight in the middle of the day but due to my over lax use on mothers day I was curious to see if I had droped during the day... low and behold I DID! 117.6 back down to what I weight before the dinner on mothers day! was excited

No this morning I woke up late and had to skip out on my morning lemon water drink and just made tea. went to the bathroom and weighed before having my tea..... 115.4...WHAT!! this has got to be a joke.... I steped back on 3 or 4 times same read reset the scale same read.... I was so excited I could have screamed!

I havent weight 115 since my wedding a yr and a half ago... no part of me is jumping for joy... the other part is thinking... wait this has got to be water weight not true weight from fat... look at you..

and that part is winning... I mean I am going to keep this going cause I'm getting results I just hope that soon they start to show on my body as well as the scale...

I'm 115 but i still fit the same pants and clothes just the same as I did before and I still have a poochy stomach and my legs are still jiggling and big... there arent any results in my measurements despite working out so its hard for me to think its real weight.

I'm not evening missing food that much either.... I gotta keep this fasting up.. and totally recomend it to others.. if you want the title of the book or info on it just shoot me a message!

Some Good ....Some bad

Today is technically day 8 of my juice fast. Tho I did have a slight set back yesterday... the weekend was hard but there was good parts to it...Friday i had a show and was there all day inbetween the two show they had amazing food.. I mean it smelled so heavanly and by that time I had not eating solid food since wed.  there was pizza... mac and cheese from a bbq joint... uhg it was soo hard i almost broke down a few time in tears...(I also started my period that morning) BUT I did not cave I didnt eat and though I was soo emotionally tired and sad by the end of the night from fighting the temptation all day i was sooo proud of myself.

Now for the bad part. by saturday I was down in weight to 117.6!!! sooo excited.. I had a glass of wine at my ladys night and a few carrots and celery. not bad... but then sundy which i had forgot was mothers day was worse... :( i mean its mothers day how can I deny my mom having dinner with her on her day! so that night ended in a purge after eating dinner and a handfull or two of laxs (I'm paying for that still)... I'm disapointed that I broke that fast but more disapointed that I purged and took laxs again after not having done it in a week...whats even worse is I had just started to get into that fasting period where I'm not even hungry... now I'm back to hunger panges..

So newho todays damage control is not to bad I was please to see 119.4 on the scale this morning... at least i didnt go back up to my start weight (123.8) so I'm back full force on my juice fast. today went back to my ruetine: Hot lemon water in the morning followed by a glass of detox tea. 1 cup vegetable juice for lunch (60 cals) alot of water and later I'll have a glass of some sort of juice and more tea.

Last week I lost a total of 6.2 lbs .... granted I gained back 1.8 of those lbs BUT if I can manage to loose the same amount of weight this week I will be down to 113.2 by sunday...

hopeing for the best and trying to stay positive its the only way I can get through this....

oo soo tired

Today is day 5 of the Juice fast and the first day with absolutly no solid foods.. juice, tea and water only.
So far its going well Had my morning cup of hot water and lemon followed by detox tea, and then 1c(8oz) of Vegetable juice for lunch (60 cals)  Morning weight 119.0 :) so happy to see the number go down AND to be back in the teens again! I have hope now for finally being able to reach my GW!

Other then being extreamly tired from a horrible nights sleep.. i toseed and turned due to being burnt from going tanning after not tanning for 2 months.. I feel pretty food.. I'm obviously still not please with how my body looks in the mirror and have a fear that my legs are gonna look saggy and fleshy if I loose more weight so I have made a point to walk and do leg exercises whenever possible to try and tone them!

I bought Yogi Green Tea Blueberry Slim Life, it has caffiene in it and is suposed to energise you and help with appitite when dieting so I'm hoping that it wakes me up a little.

I have an event tmrw and have already prepared myself to resist the food that will be a temptation. I am going to prepare a mug of tea to take with me and then also bring a bottle of Naked juice with me so that I have something to drink to fight my appitite.. also stocked up on sugar free gum to keep my mought busy... lets hope everything goes as planed.

Saturday will be a tough one as well.. the morning will be easy I have 2 shoots and then I have a Girls night planed for the evening at my house... this will be a challenge as I can not drink liquor while on the fast also I will have friends there and trying to make it not obvious that I'm not eating the snacks or having any drinks will be tough....

lets hope everything works out...

Last transition day

Today is day 4 and the last day of Transition for my 30 day juice fast. Which means tmrw is nothing but Herbal Teas, Water and of corse fresh made and organic juice. I'm really excited to have another excuse to just plan not eat! and since my husband is actually supporting this "detox" in hopes it will help me stop purging I dont have to worry when i'm at home with him!

Todays weight was 121.8 however I'm a liltte scepticle about it cause first weight was a retching 123 and then I went to the bathroom and the weight was 121.8... I'll take it though even if it was water or fecal weight it wont be coming back now that I am not going to be eating anymore solid foods... and as long as I keep up my water intake the way I have been i wont gain any water weight from dehydration.

So that means I have lost 2 lbs since day one, thats an average of .5lbs a day lost...wish it was more but I'm taking what I can get... I'm hoping I can keep up this weight lose of a half a pound a day or even better lose more...

I'm nervous about the weekend its going to be hard but I also have things planed to keep me busy.. but I'm also nervous because I have some friends coming over saturday and one of them is my friend M2 (we will call her) she also has issues with ED and though she weighs more then me she is also a good 3 inches taller and carries her weight in my opinion way better... her legs are soo much slimmer then mine. I know she is gonna look great and I'm nervous she has lost since I saw her last (based on how shes been talking about her food intake) and I just dont wanna get in a jealous mood or feel like shit... of corse when dont I feel like shit about myself...

newho wish me luck that I survive the weekend without going into a depressive state :(

Day 3 of transition

Transition day 3

So today is the third day of my transition into my juice fast.... yesterday went well tho I consumed more cals then the day before because I had a cup of peas for dinner (220 cals).. damn peas have way more cals then asparagus.
However with the decent day of transition I was hoping once again to have droped some water weight seeing as i have been drinking like 2 large jugs of water a day plus detox tea which means I pee soooo much durring the day.
alas.. steped on the scale and was 123.0 .... thats only a .8 difference from the day before... WTF this sucks! I swear some weight better start falling off soon... the author of my book that I'm following for this 30 day fast was down 2 lbs on her third day... this sucks

I'm feeling soo discouraged and on top of everythign I feel like a damn cow! I hate seeing that number and am soo disapointed in my self that I even let myself get back past 120....shame...

I'm running errands after work today, taking my dog for a walk and then gonna obsessivly do calithetics untill my hubby gets home...

I've already had somewhere around 360 cals today... plus did crunches and butt lifts which burned about 78 cals...so my net is like 282 cals...

still I'm gonna try and eat little to nothing else today and go to bed early...

tmrws the last transition day which I'm actually happy about...for some reason when I'm following plans like this its easier for me to eat nothing at all then say I can eat a little... a little always ends up being more then it should be, to me at least..

hopeing for a lower number tmrw...

A new begining... or lets hope so

Transition daySo yesterday started my 30 day juice fast. I'm glad it started cause the past week has been trecherous with my hubs bday, sadly i broke my no purging and on saturday I was planning on taking my hubby to dinner. well his sis also came up for lunch and so we went out for lunch too.. I kept in the lunch but dinner was just to much and I ended up purging when we got home :(. sadly the week of bday food has made me gain and at the start of my juice fast I am disgusted to weight 123.8... just gross...

Also I had to make a new email b/c my old one got hacked into to much and to much spam and on my blog I switched the email address in settings but I am still getting my blog notifications in the old email...does anyone know how to fix that?

So yesterday went well... it was hard...According to my book the first 4 days are transition days.. I am aloud to have veggies and fruit but very little of anything else...

Woke up drank a glass of room temp water with half a lemon.
Breakfest: Yogi Detox tea
cleaned the kitchen
1:00-lunch:1 cup of soy milk (100 cals) and 5 strawberries (25 cals)
took my cousin home (who had been sleeping untill 2 on my couch)
6:30-Dinner: I made my husband Shrimp alfredo, biscuits and Asparagus. I had 2/3 cup of asparagus cuts (40 cals) and a 1/2 cup fresh cut pinapple (40 cals)
Dry Brushed, showered and 1 cup detox tea before bed

I made sure to make a meal that was apeasing to me since I hate sea food that way it would be easier to just eat veggies.

Unfortunatly late at night around 10:00 I was soo hungry I decided to have a few crackers (30 cals)
Now this isnt horrible since the first 4 days I am aloud solid foods I was just disapointed in myself that I couldnt stick to the veggies and fruit more..

neway my cals ended up being 269 cals for the whole day.. not bad and the least amount of cals I have consumed in a while!
Sadly I was the same weight this morning which was discouraging.. the amount I peed yesterday from the Tea and all the water I consumed I thought I'd at least be down a pound of water weight.

So far today is going well except I have already had some crackers at work. :/ that will be it for carbs for the day...
I will post tmrw on how the day ends up. I have  2 more days after today of transition before I go full into the juice diet and am aloud nothing but fresh made juice and organic juice.

lets hope I get some results on the scal tmrw to keep me motivated...

2.5

alright 2.5 more days and I begin this juice fast! I can not wait! I need to start it asap but because of hubs bday I have to wait...I'm gonna be following this book word for word doing exactly what the author does... she lost 28lbs in 30 days taking her from 127 to 98! which sadily because of the mass amount of binging I've been doing this week with the hubby and all the water weight I'm probably right around 127... shamful....

I hate being and feeling this way i want to hide i dont want anyone to see my body....its starting to get soo nice outside and here i am still wearing sweat pants and a sweater :(

this 30day juice fast is going to be the best thing that has ever happend to me... I have my hubbies supoort and watchful eye to make sure i stay on track, going to be doing daily walks with my dog and my usualy work outs.

my ultimate goal for this fast is to stop laxs, stop purging (going on 2 days no purge), lose weight and hit UGW, and to shrink my stomach so after the fast it will be easier for me to keep restricting and eat as little as possible!

Sunday could not come soon enough!!

*I have to weigh everday and will be writing in this blog about my everyday stuff to help me keep track

desperate and ready to change no matter what!

I dont even remember the last time i wrote... friday?.... newho the weekend horrible like always I am up to 121...FML BUT...things will be changing!

i am doing a 30 day Juice fast....bought a book was totally inspired and am now am all on bored for it!

I even told my hubby I was going to do it and asked for his support!! He said he would! I was estatic... now you also have to kow that yes I am doing this fast to lose weight (duh) but told him that I really wanted to detox and thought a 30 day juice fast would help me kick the laxitive (which I really need to stop tking) and will help me to stop purging again.

He of corse doesnt want me doing that stuff and I think is why he is agree to help me.

But i am more then excited to have him know and suport me so that I will stick to it... if he knows I really wanna do this for real then he will help keep me from cheating..

i'm starting the Juice fast on sunday ( the reason for this is because my hubbys bday is Saturday and I do want to go out to dinner with him and not worry about it.....

I can not wait till sunday!!!

other then that and being a pig the last few days... I dont even wanna disscuss how i look. I dont have much more to say..

hope all is well and let me know if you wanna Juice diet with me I can message you details, guides ect from the book :)

CRAZY PARANOID!!

OMG I got so paranoid about someone realizing this blog was me ( the name is fake) that I deleted all my posts except \for this months and the very first one..

i'm going crazy....

FUCKING RUT!!

Uhg excuse my language... I'm just tired of the damn number staying the same....

sometimes I wish I could go back.. before easter I was soo damn close at 116 to hitting my first goal and now I am back at 120 and have been at 120 for a week and I hate it!!!!

I feel bloated and disgusting all the time! I look fat my thighs are gross...

on another negative my shoot most likely got cancled....uhg

i hate being petite and on the heavier range of the chart.... 110 is the lowest weight for someone my height before being underweight....I want to be 107.. thats the first time I hve admited that I want to be 107... i lie to my hubby and tell him i just want to weigh 112...but i dont...

FUCK! 120 can kiss my ass!!!!

I am considering doing a 30 day juice fast/detox...it will be hard but I am getting more and more determined to drop the weight and I got some sample books on my kindle. and the one talks about thats how she lost alot of weight....

newho..uhg the weekends here and i have made NO progress...luckily being in a show saturday will keep me from eating that day and tmrw even if my shoots cancled I'm gonna go out and just keep myself busy so I will only have to worry about sunday night dinner with the hubs...

i hate being so disgusted with myself and i hate looking at my fat and cellulite everyday...gross...

I'm soo depressed right now... :(

early morning....

So I'm sick as hell... have been going to the bathroom and throwing up all night.....

and yet this morning I still weighed in at 120...fucking rediculous....

I have a full day of work and meeting with a photographer so I'm planing on not eating just drinking alot of water....and tmrw I have to work all day till 9:30 so again no food... and then I have a photo shoot friday so I think if I do like a 2 day water fast I can manage to look....ok.. for the shoot..

I'm soo disapointed in myself and feel like a complete loser... :(

I dont want to be 120 anymore I want to thin.. I hate my fat thighs and celulite... :(


I'm writing early cause I'll be to busy durring the day to post.. and I know I havent posted in a bit...

hope everyone else is doing better....

not really living

I'm still here...

do you ever feel like your not really living... like your just surviving life? I feel like i'm just here and not living....

havent weighed in a few days.. got Stupid drunk last night and i believe I puked my brains out and then again this morning... :( gross.....my stomach has been in knots all day which is fine cause its made me not want to eat... I had an orange and 4 crackers and 3 slices of brick cheese....

not sure whats happening tonight but at this point I just want to go home and crash..

soo tired.... I feel like a cow... bloated fat and well just FAT!!!

rehydrating SUCKS!!

sorry for such a negative post... hopefully I'll feel better tmrw and can actualy post something positive...

Liquids, liquids, liquids...

Its only after noon but I feel I'll post now....

again sorry I havent posted as much... but I am determined to get this fat off m body...

things have been hard lately and I hate it.. I just want to leave this state and move away from everyone with my hubby and live in a warm beautiful place were I can just sit outside all day and not eat and walk everywhere...

newho I am still stuck at 120 ocording to the stupid scale this morning...even after barely eating yesterday....its ok tho cause I have decided to do a liquid fast till saturday.... I have a show on saturday in which I am wearing a strikeingly gorgeous wedding gown... I know I cant lose too much or the dress wont fit but I am bound to at least get under 120...

So today I have brought my waters with me to work and a crystal light water mix that helps with appitite control (love them) I will probably have a diet cola today since I didnt yeserday... I will continue with this untill saturday..my hubs works all day today and tmrw so I will prepare him something I dont wnat to eat tonight and tmrw and then friday I will be gone to rehearsal before he gets home so no worrys there.. I will say I ate before I left.

I did not purge yesterday and only took 3 laxs at the end of the night...its progress believe it or not...

my mood hasnt been much better.. still down in the dumps and feeling like a fatty loser... I hate how my body looks ...

Thank you to those who write kind words I know I dont always respond but I read them and they make me feel loved and accepted.. and they do help me alot to feel better.

Love you all

Fading

I am sorry for being away... things have just been hard... and I still read everyones journals, but its also hard when I see so many doing good with their plans and goals....

I feel useless and like I've failed myself... I hate how i look and how I feel. I feel like a damn rolly polly

I weighed a few days ago and sadly was at 120.... what a disapointment I am....today has been a sit day already....I had a half of a sandwhich and then purged it... I have been purging my dinner every night for the past 4 nights... I know its bad for me I know I shouldnt but I made a promise to my hubby to cook for him more and thats the only way i can handle eating the meal is if I know I get rid of it after... :(

i'm also back on my laxs more .... I had cut down a lot and was doing well when I was eating next to nothing so I felt i didnt need to take them....

now I'm back up to taking at least 5 a night...at least....

I seriously hate my guts right now... I'm sorry if I dont post as much this is just a hard time and Its hard for me to express myself right now....

over it

Things have to change.... I can not stand being this size I feel so huge....its been 4 days since I last weighed myself which one is driving me insane...but also I am so scared to see how much I have put on...

I havent ate today, but hubby wants me to make dinner tonight... whats sad is I have already planed to purge after eating... :/ yea the purging has started back up again... not happy about it but to scared to let anything sit in my belly.

Told my husband I am not longer buying certain foods in an attempt to save money and eat "healthier"
he has agreed to eat better which is good cause now I can continue not eating certain things and I'm just no longer going to buy things I dont want in the house....

Me and hubby are spending the day together tmrw since we both have it off and he wants to go to breakfest...told him that will be the last time we eat out or get fast food (to save money...also I wont have to eat) he said ok and we are also not going to drink untill his bday in may.

I just have to drop weight.... I am going to eat as little as possible and next week will most likely be a fasting week since I have a show on saturday

i seriously fucking hate myself... I cant even look at myself in the mirror lately...

i'm nothing but a freakin Fat ass....

The Unachievable Goal..Thinness

 So not sure how to start this blog....How does one express in words the messed up thoughts in their head. I wanted to start a blog in hopes that if I wrote about how I felt then maybe I wouldnt feel so anxious and depressed at the end of the day...
I am 25 and married..I have struggled with low self esteem since I was in middle school... and have struggled with restriction and diet pill use since high school. geeze were do I start... I never thought I really had a problem..or at least thought things were not that bad since I have never been under weight. I know I am not normal but I cant stop being this way because of my crazy need to be thin and not fat... its all I know even at my biggest I was the smallest one in my family...I had jaw surgery in college and lost a ton of weight and that excelled my need to be thin it was the first time I actually could stand to look at myself. ever since then I know I can be smaller then what I am now(123). I restrict, take diet pills, laxitives and purge on occasion. I have high anxiety and with a recent lose in my family this has got worse and so has my purging. I dont really binge..on days I lose control and eat a normal meal (still smaller then what most ppl eat) i consider that a binge and freak purge and take a larg amont of laxs.
I know I shouldnt but I cant and really dont want to stop. I want to get back down to my first goal of 115...

I know alot of you will think I am crazy and a nut but please that is not the purpose of the blog... it is so I can vent, express myself without being judged and perhaps meet others that I can look to for suport.

I entend to blog in detail occasional about my struggles and may go in to my past ED memories so please if you feel this is a trigger then I am sorry and dont read. I am how I am and cant explain why but I also know I dont want to be a trigger to someone trying to get well.

right now getting better is not my entent...perhaps when i reach my weight goal I will want to be able to maintain it and eat more normal...right now...not really...