So I am getting fed up with weighing the same and weighing in the 120's... its disgusting.... and I am really starting to get seriously upset with my body and how gross and disgusting it looks and how fat I am and feel.... to the point where last night after getting into an argument with my husband I sat naked on the bahroom floor beating the shit out of myself... like literally sitting there punching myself in the legs and stomach... IDK why this happened and its not something that occurs often tho it has before in the past.....I think about it and think WTF is wrong with me why would I do that.....idk I guess everything boiled over and I had so much pain and rage that I needed to take it out and I felt it was my fault so why not take it out on me....
NEways I'm ok and not wanting that to happen again as I am now bruised and feel stupid and ashamed that I physically beat myself.
but I am now determined that being thin and back to where I was at a smaller weight would solve all this shame and feelings of disgust.. so I am going back to a strict and excessive workout routine weather I want to work out or not I am going to do it twice a day more if I feel the need... once at work and then again at home.... and along with that I am going back to cutting most foods out of my diet... fruit and veggies will be ok and aloud when I am extreamly hungery only....
I cannot stand this feeling anymore and its time to go back to how I used to be with this and weather or not its healthy or I'm not eating right at this point I really could care less... I lived like that for yrs and the past yr tried to eat "better" and more normal healthy meals and you know what... its just not working and I end up gaining and that is NOT ok....so thats it noone is going to tell me any different at this point when I reach my goal weight then I will consider adding more foods back but untill then I'm back to what I know best......
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