why

so things are worse then I thought... I weighed 124 yesterday...I'm soo disapointed in myself.. I cant even bare to look at my face in the mirror...I cant believe I let myself get back to this high of a weight.. I'm fucking disgusting!

I leave tmrw for a small 4 day vacay and thanks to this fatness that is happening I am going to be paranoid and worried all weekend....I just hate myself...

I look grose my stomach is all bloated.... needless to say knowing I weigh this much I am not going to be eating very much of anything while on vacay... its fine I'll be able to get away with it since we are just staying at a family house and have to bring our own food... noone else will be there either...

I am currently planing my next steps to buy more ephedra for when I get back...I know its not the best for you but It did help me loose in the past and I can not stand how I look right now ... I havent purged in like a week but knowing how fat I have gotten the only thing going through my head is purging up any lil thing that goes in my mouth...

I wont be writing again till I get back and after that I'm not sure if I will write... I will be off work untill july so I have no internet.. let hope the next time you hear from me I will have at least droped some weight.. cause at this rate I just dont even wanna be here or around anyone anymore...

digusted

over due update

ow.. I'm so sorry to everyone who follows me that I havent been posting.. things have been really hard for me lately...i just havent been up to writing lately, I have been dealing with a lot of finacial stress... I am dead broke... and I mean broke... like I can barely put gas in my car broke... I worked all weekend and then didnt get paid like i was suposed to :( such an annoyance.
on top of the finacial struggle my hubby didnt get the job he was up for so he is back to sending out resumes.. I am constatnly looking for paid work. I feel so stressed and run down and I'm starting to feel like its having its effects on my face...

my face has always been the one thing that never really bothered me about my body.. I always thought I looked ok.. not so much without makeup on but add some eyeliner and mascara and I would be ok with just that... but lately my eyes just arent the same.. circles under them my skin is breaking out from stress... so on top of my constant struggle wiht hating my fat ass body I'm now starting to hate my face as well..

IDK what I weight.. I havent weighed in a few days and have been doing not terrible but not great at eating... I'm back to obbsesivly taking laxs anytime i eat. :( it sucks.. i'm guessing that my weight is somewhere around 120.. which i hate... I just feel gigantic...

this week I am truely pushing myself to not eat or to eat as little as possible.. me and the hubby are leaving friday for a short 4 day weekend at our faimlys cottage.. it will be a no spend weekend just the two of us.. we plan on not spending any money and just vegging out. but I still feel self cousious about having to be in my bikini even around him :/

I just want to loose this damn weight....its hard cause I have been 115 before and right now I just want to get back there.. I just need to focus...at this rate I wont be able to afford food soon anyway so I wont have anything to eat...

I hate how things are right now :(

dead space

I'm still alive.. but struggling to hang on... I've been a depressed mess.. I continue to hate myself..weights been up and down from 117-121 the past week...


thats all I have in me right now.... hopefully I'll have the strength and mindset to post a better post soon...

shame

So do any diet pills or anything you can get at a store or online actually work? I'm looking for some honest answers here... I really just want to know if anything I can buy online or at a drug store actually works

I have tried several diet pills before but usually dont get much in results... I'm looking for something thats gonna make me not want to eat.. like totally kill my appitite....

any advice or comments are appriciated...

I really need to get this weight off and I feel the only way is to do something or take something that is going to lagit make me just not hungry and not want to eat...

I feel so damn disgusted with myself....

Hanging on..

..I'm still here... but I just cant do this right now... I'm still not doing well and know i have gained... i'm too ashamed to even say my weight.. i feel so low and horrible...

I am desperate to find a diet pill or something that will kill my appitite or make me loose weight fast.. I have two weeks to lose at least 5 lbs and I'm so anxious about it I wanna cry all the time :'(

i will hopefully be able to write more in a few days and catch up on blogs.. I'm so sorry.. I feel like such a failure...the hatred for myself grows everyday....