so I will be leaving my day job starting Tuesday which means I wont have internet and will probably not be posting as much...Ive been bad about posting anyways just cause of being busy.. but neway.. the weight has been just as up, down as usual... I was at 123.8... then have been staying up and not sleeping much.. got sick from lack of sleep and exhaustion Tuesday night...wed I woke up weighing 119.6 not bad but spent the day drinking a lot of water and had soup.. at the end of the day I was 121... I didn't eat much yesterday about the same as Tuesday worked till 3:00 and had half a egg and cheese sandwich on the way home.. horrible I know but the smell of smoke and cigars from work had me so nauseous I had to get something on the way home.
I don't feel terribly fat today...Im assuming im somewhere around the same weight as yesterday... at least im hoping...my show opens next weekend and we are headed into tech week... im hoping that I can mainly sleep during the day (sense im no longer working) which will keep me from eating and then I'll have rehearsals every night this week....leaving room for one meal a day when I pick up my hubs for rehearsal...lets hope... I would love to be near 115 for opening night.. but knowing my body that's unrealistic... I would even take 118 at this point...
Im gonna start working out too now that I have more day time...its starting to get cold out which sucks cause that means I have to do indoor workouts ...i'll take what I can get...still trying to mainly eat vegetables and fruit limited carbs...
I have a lunch date with an old friend which is good and bad...we are both vegetarians so ordering something smaller and just with vegetables wont be weird.. however she chose for us to eat at a known Chinese place...which I know how much oils and such they use in their food...im terrified.. asking to cook things without butter or oil will seem strange and weird to do infront of her....
yikes..pray for me
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
over and over
sorry I suck
I do the same shit repeatedly... IDK why I cant seem to just be ther way I used too... I so miss and wish for those college days when I could so easily skip meals and go to the gym (for free) and workout two to three times a day...
Back then I easily maintained a 115 weight... drinking mainly vitamin water and Energy Drinks and going to the gym to workout on the elliptical for 60 mins at least twice a day..
no I cant maintain any weight its up down all the time and right now I can feel how fat I am... IDK my exact weight but I can easily tell its probably 125 or 126 (lord hopes its not higher) I eat very little through out the day but because I work such late hours (usually not getting home till 3:30am) I end up eating crazy late and then going to bed which is not ok... I still work two jobs and am in a musical right now so I never have time to workout.
my clothes are tight and I can visibly see that my stomach is bigger.. its disgusting ...
yesterday I did fine at first.. I ended up not eating till like 4:00 ....measured everything which included
141g of cottage cheese- 100 cal
85g lettuce- 10 cal
28g shredded cheese- 110 cal
30ml light Italian dressing- 35 cal
144g calafornia blend veggies- 51 cal
21g strawberries- 8 cal
total calories= 314
I then went to rehearsal drank a diet soda while I was there. after words my husband was hungry and so once we were home at like 11:45pm I started making a vegetarian pizza (not frozen) I really didn't want to eat the pizza but knew I would ...sauce, cheese, vegetarian sausage and tomatoes... I ended up eating three pieces while drinking...which has become a normal thing for me whenever I have to eat a big meal...I then of course regretted eating it and purged HARD...I threw up till I was just gagging...this morning I have broken blood vessels on my eye lids and around my eyes...
WHY? why do I do this shit over and over gain loose gain loose I hate it but I cant just be ok with this weight.. im 5'4 and feel at 125 or higher I look like a complete blimp.. im chubby and round.. I can even see it in my face..
so I'm really tired today from being up till 2 and purging has left me a little sore in my back... I work all day and then again tonight...Ive started making rules in my head ( having to measure everything before eating to get exact cal counts, no eating unless Im at my own house, no sweets, ect).. which is bad but I just I cant stand the thought of opening this show and looking this way...I have about 3 weeks till the show opens and I would like to be 115 by then.. ill try my hardest
if I can just resist the urge to eat shit like last night I might be able to loose considering the whole rest of the day I only consumed 314 calories...
I hate my body... I hate myself right now...I just want to be able to sleep normal hours and to have time to work out.. I know working out would help...hopefully my day job ends soon and I can begin working out again.
sorry for my crazy rants.. I know a lot of the time its the same thing over and over again... Im just struggling so bad with this lately along with the stress of two full time jobs and other life issues...right now I just focus on the weight issues well because I just cant deal with the others yet...
sorry...
I do the same shit repeatedly... IDK why I cant seem to just be ther way I used too... I so miss and wish for those college days when I could so easily skip meals and go to the gym (for free) and workout two to three times a day...
Back then I easily maintained a 115 weight... drinking mainly vitamin water and Energy Drinks and going to the gym to workout on the elliptical for 60 mins at least twice a day..
no I cant maintain any weight its up down all the time and right now I can feel how fat I am... IDK my exact weight but I can easily tell its probably 125 or 126 (lord hopes its not higher) I eat very little through out the day but because I work such late hours (usually not getting home till 3:30am) I end up eating crazy late and then going to bed which is not ok... I still work two jobs and am in a musical right now so I never have time to workout.
my clothes are tight and I can visibly see that my stomach is bigger.. its disgusting ...
yesterday I did fine at first.. I ended up not eating till like 4:00 ....measured everything which included
141g of cottage cheese- 100 cal
85g lettuce- 10 cal
28g shredded cheese- 110 cal
30ml light Italian dressing- 35 cal
144g calafornia blend veggies- 51 cal
21g strawberries- 8 cal
total calories= 314
I then went to rehearsal drank a diet soda while I was there. after words my husband was hungry and so once we were home at like 11:45pm I started making a vegetarian pizza (not frozen) I really didn't want to eat the pizza but knew I would ...sauce, cheese, vegetarian sausage and tomatoes... I ended up eating three pieces while drinking...which has become a normal thing for me whenever I have to eat a big meal...I then of course regretted eating it and purged HARD...I threw up till I was just gagging...this morning I have broken blood vessels on my eye lids and around my eyes...
WHY? why do I do this shit over and over gain loose gain loose I hate it but I cant just be ok with this weight.. im 5'4 and feel at 125 or higher I look like a complete blimp.. im chubby and round.. I can even see it in my face..
so I'm really tired today from being up till 2 and purging has left me a little sore in my back... I work all day and then again tonight...Ive started making rules in my head ( having to measure everything before eating to get exact cal counts, no eating unless Im at my own house, no sweets, ect).. which is bad but I just I cant stand the thought of opening this show and looking this way...I have about 3 weeks till the show opens and I would like to be 115 by then.. ill try my hardest
if I can just resist the urge to eat shit like last night I might be able to loose considering the whole rest of the day I only consumed 314 calories...
I hate my body... I hate myself right now...I just want to be able to sleep normal hours and to have time to work out.. I know working out would help...hopefully my day job ends soon and I can begin working out again.
sorry for my crazy rants.. I know a lot of the time its the same thing over and over again... Im just struggling so bad with this lately along with the stress of two full time jobs and other life issues...right now I just focus on the weight issues well because I just cant deal with the others yet...
sorry...
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