over and over

sorry I suck

I do the same shit repeatedly... IDK why I cant seem to just be ther way I used too... I so miss and wish for those college days when I could so easily skip meals and go to the gym (for free) and workout two to three times a day...

Back then I easily maintained a 115 weight... drinking mainly vitamin water and Energy Drinks and going to the gym to workout on the elliptical for 60 mins at least twice a day..

no I cant maintain any weight its up down all the time and right now I can feel how fat I am... IDK my exact weight but I can easily tell its probably 125 or 126 (lord hopes its not higher) I eat very little through out the day but because I work such late hours (usually not getting home till 3:30am) I end up eating crazy late and then going to bed which is not ok... I still work two jobs and am in a musical right now so I never have time to workout.

my clothes are tight and I can visibly see that my stomach is bigger.. its disgusting ...

yesterday I did fine at first.. I ended up not eating till like 4:00 ....measured everything which included

141g of cottage cheese- 100 cal
85g lettuce- 10 cal
28g shredded cheese- 110 cal
30ml light Italian dressing- 35 cal
144g calafornia blend veggies- 51 cal
21g strawberries- 8 cal

total calories= 314

I then went to rehearsal drank a diet soda while I was there. after words my husband was hungry and so  once we were home at like 11:45pm I started making a vegetarian pizza (not frozen) I really didn't want to eat the pizza but knew I would ...sauce, cheese, vegetarian sausage and tomatoes... I ended up eating three pieces while drinking...which has become a normal thing for me whenever I have to eat a big meal...I then of course regretted eating it and purged HARD...I threw up till I was just gagging...this morning I have broken blood vessels on my eye lids and around my eyes...

WHY? why do I do this shit over and over gain loose gain loose I hate it but I cant just be ok with this weight.. im 5'4 and feel at 125 or higher I look like a complete blimp.. im chubby and round.. I can even see it in my face..
so I'm really tired today from being up till 2 and purging has left me a little sore in my back... I work all day and then again tonight...Ive started making rules in my head ( having to measure everything before eating to get exact cal counts, no eating unless Im at my own house, no sweets, ect).. which is bad but I just I cant stand the thought of opening this show and looking this way...I have about 3 weeks till the show opens and I would like to be 115 by then.. ill try my hardest

if I can just resist the urge to eat shit like last night I might be able to loose considering the whole rest of the day I only consumed 314 calories...

I hate my body... I hate myself right now...I just want to be able to sleep normal hours and to have time to work out.. I know working out would help...hopefully my day job ends soon and I can begin working out again.

sorry for my crazy rants.. I know a lot of the time its the same thing over and over again... Im just struggling so bad with this lately along with the stress of two full time jobs and other life issues...right now I just focus on the weight issues well because I just cant deal with the others yet...

sorry...