out of the loop

sry I havent been blogging :(

things have been hard and I just cant deal right now....

making some dramatic changes...loosing weight no matter what ....

I cant handle it anymore

will update soon

just for a brief moment

Well I guess even if it is only for one day I would rather see that happy number and keep hope alive that i will reach it for real...

Things have not been going as planned and in alot of ways Im falling back into bad habbits...

One day this weekend I saw 114.6 on the scale and was so happy. It didnt last tho as I knew it was dehydration.

This morning I was 117.4.. I have been at that number for a while now so there s at least the thought that im actually that weight.,,, I was desperatly hoping that I would be at 115 by friday as I have a swimsuit even that Im dreading... knowing there will be taller thinner girls there is driving me insane.

I have been purging unfortunatly that streak didnt last long.... idk i cant get a hold of myself lately like Im falling apart desperatly grabbing at the pieces before they hit the ground but everytime they slip right through my fingers and hit the ground shattering to dust...

its been getting warmer here and there so im happy i will be able to go for walks with my dog and evening walks alone again... but dreading the thought of wearing something other then my sweat pants and hoodies that i have come acostomed to...

I just want this week to be done... to much on my mind and to much stress

........

I have been failing miserably lately... :( on all levels.... I screwed up and broke down and had cheese a few times... :( along with that I have purged everyday this week so far... depressing I feel like I cant ever do anything right... ive been using liquor as an outlet for how I feel... which I know is soo bad for me and probably killing my insides...

Idk what my weight is today... yesterday it was 118.8 (disgusting) I have been up sense 3:30am and so i didnt weigh this morning cause I tried to sleep untill right before work...

I feel like a failure...whats new right....

I need to pull my head out of my ass and just stick to it... I actually just want to stop eating all together .... to be honest i wish I could throw all the food in my house away.. tho then the hubby wouldnt have food to eat.... I need to start fresh and just stop this nonsense....

I bought rasberry keitone pills the other day... gonna see how those work on weight lose and appitite supressants... your supposed to take them with food....screw that....

I have a swimsuit event on the 15th....which is in like 10 days.. I know Im still gonna feel like shit about myself but lets see if I can drop a few and not be the fattest cow there...

why? why cant i just do things right

Ive been fucking up lately... alot.. i have broke a few times and eatin cheese... and of corse felt bad about it ... this past weekend while away from my interent and blog i purged roughly 3 times.... wtf is wrong with me...

my weight has been up and donw this weekend no doubt from the purging... I was 117.2 yesterday but was then 118.8 today.. FML

i want to die...

I seriously wish I could just make myself unable to eat...

sometimes i think if i could wire my mouth shut again...i would...

already fucked up this morning, but am just gonan stick with water for the reat of the day and tmrw im thinking of just having water.. lots of it to flush out every thing...

hopefully ill be down on wed....doubt it...fat ass...

:(