absolute distruction

hey fellow bloggers... sorry its been so long sence i have blogged.. I have been keeping up with reading but just have been in such a down and distrought state I havent had it in me to post.

things have just been one disaster after the other.. i feel I have no self control anymore.. I hate myself and my body.. I cant look in the mirror without feeling disgusted...

I'm trying to eat less and less everyday...kind of ease into it insted of just stopping eating all together.. which never seems to work.. I have started to work out again and have decided to stop eating meat all together. Im taking whatever diet pills I can find in my house..

I seriously just cant stand myself.. last time I weighed I was back up to 120 and wanted to die.. that was a few days ago and I havent been able to get back on the scale.. I fear its higher... Im consintly trying to move so Im burning as much as possible along with working out at least once a day sometimes twice...

the weather doesnt help its been so shitty outside and it hasnt gotten much warmer... once the weather is warm I will be able to keep myself out of the house by walking the dog and going for my afternoon walks..

I just cant remain this way...i have to loose and im not giving up.. not this time.. its time to just do what I need to..