Why do I even get my hopes up?

 I mean grant it I never really expect to lose much from purging everything....cause I know that really it makes me retain water ect. but the fact that Im 1.) not eating much at all. Ive restricted down to one or two small meals a day 2.) pretty much purging anything I do eat for those meals and 3.) working out
I would have liked to see just a tiny move in the scale...like .5lbs ANYTHING!! instead I have been at 135.4 all week. nothing I do is making the scale move. I absolutely hate being this large...HATE IT! My clothes don't fit, there's chub everywhere....I just cant stand it.


Yesterday I ended up vomiting whatever I did eat, literally right after finishing the last bite I was in the bathroom. then before going to bed took 6 laxatives which resulted in me waking 2 hours later and getting sick to my stomach.


Today I woke up took the new diet pill Im trying and then ate a piece of pizza (I know horrible food to eat but it was in the house) I only didn't purge that because it was like noon and my husband is off today (not that him being there stops me. Ive thrown up plenty of times with him there, he is very aware of the issue as I don't keep much of anything from him) I also didn't want to throw up the diet pill I had takin 15 mins before eating. Im trying my hardest to only drink water.


Currently Im at my parents house while my hubs helps my dad chop wood. I looked at some old modeling pictures that where on my computer...I miss it... I haven't modeled in over a year because I got busy working at the club and then also gained all this weight from my injections. Looking at those pictures kills me...now I hated my body then too but compared to now its amazing...the hip bones, rib bones, collar bones....slightly smaller thighs... Id kill to have that back right now..


20lbs stands between me and being back to the size I was when I modeled...currently that is my goal..lose the 20lbs...I would love to lose it before my surgery in march but that would mean I would have to lose 3.3lbs each week and right now that's not happening since I lost nothing this week:(


In reality I know that in the past the only way I EVER lost weight was to simply starve....go days without food and doing a ton of cardio....I want to starve I want to simply not eat but it gets hard when my hubs is off two days a week. he tries to make sure I eat at least once. Im hoping that maybe if I restrict down even more and only eat the two days he is off that maybe ill lose...MAYBE


I need support and encouragement... I need to lose....I need too