I don't have much to say... been busy trying to fix life... last time I weighed which I think was sunday morning...I was 121...gotta keep loosing ...although I may be up considering that I had to eat at an event yesterday then proceeded to eat fast food while drinking last night... I of course purged it all up after eating it.. but that never helps I still feel disgusting and fat from eating it in the first place....

sigh anyway back on track today.. working all day and night so no room for food...

sticking with just water and a zero calorie energy drink

it will come

...next on the shopping list... a kitchen scale.... I need a precise way of measuring my food....

I'm gonna try and not weigh in for a while... to try and keep from obsessing over the up and down...

slowly but surely... I'll probably weigh in Sunday before my show...I'm praying with the lack of cals and food I'll be down... lord I hope so..

Soda is so bloating ... but I'm thinking I need to go back to drinking more diet coke to keep me full and appetite down....

still at it with the two jobs plus rehearsals... somethings went down with lets say a friend that has made me very stressed and sad......so that's been hard to deal with.

Soon I'll be only working one job and spending the rest of the time finding auditions and paid gigs and modeling jobs....working nights will mean I'm up till 3:30 and with no morning job I can just sleep past breakfast and then workout and start my day....

I have 2 and a half months till my bday...i'm getting old and I hate that..but at least if I cant stop time I'll be thin....got a long way to go but determined to be at my UGW by then

starting over

uhg so yesterday I just got absolutely fed up and bindged and then took a ton of Lax... uhg so I have decided to do a strict eating plan...getting back to the nitty gritty....

no more of this well as long as I don't eat a lot I can eat whatever I want.. no more...no more junk...fats.. sweets...fuck that shit Im over it

So its pretty harsh but I have been inspired by books Ive been reading...go on my Kindle and you will notice a severe theme to my books... all books about E.D's of memoirs or biographies about ppl with them...

right now I am reading Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi (ellen degeneres' wife) so far its really good.

newho so the eating plan will go somewhat like this...

400 Calories a day

only 160 cals are to be carbs or protein

the other 240 have to be fruits, vegetables or nuts

Everything will be measured before consumed and documented in my phone journal

if needed one Diet cola or zero cal- zero sugar energy drink can be had a day 

Hot tea with no sweetner or honey is aloud

drink as much water as possible

I am currently still working like nuts two jobs plus practice for the show. so I have no time to work out and only sleep between 3:30am and 7:30am I am resigning from my day job and as soon as they find a replacement I will be done... so as soon as my days are free I plan to workout every morning as well ass get back to auditioning and modeling... I miss it but am far to fat to get any gigs right now

So this all starts today... its 11:00 and Ive had water and 2 green grapes (6.8 cals)

Im hungry and I don't care..

take me over...im giving into that voice...allowing it to take over. Obeying its banter

I officially hate my life.... I suck at it and I hate it and want to crawl in a hole....don't know my weight, last time I weighed a disgusting 123...wtf is wrong with my damn body its 119 one min the next 123...

kill me NOW!!

I just want to not eat..ever..take pills that make me sick so I wont want food...just never have to put another morsel of food past my lips...

please just let me be...

Hitting a breaking point

yesterday I was at 119.8 ..which isn't bad... tho I ended up eating pizza and ice cream and idk what my weight is at this morning as I feel like shit every morning so I rarely have time to weigh in the morning.

I am working so much idk how much more my body can handle it.. I wake up feeling hungover even if I didn't drink a lick of booze the night before... I know im not getting enough sleep and with the amount of energy im exerting during the day working two jobs, its making me crazy

Im sore ...Im rarely actually hungry and usually eat on the random nights I have off with the hubs because he does... other then that its like a bite of food here or a cracker there.. and a shit ton of energy drinks and diet soda to give me enough energy to make it through work...

Im still determined tho... I have about 2 months .....im gonna be 112 ....fuck sleep, fuck food, fuck this stupid broken body and mind...

the number is all that matters....ill live for that day...

vicious cycle

I feel like I am over and over again purposely messing up... not with my E.D. but with life...

so many things I care not to discuss...but I just keep on doing the same things ... even tho I know they are wrong or not good its like a compulsion I cant help but keep doing it....even if it means ruining my life...

WTF is wrong with me....

I weighed a few days ago at 121.8... fat ass

I need to just stop this nonsense, I work so much and tho I don't eat a whole lot I have been basically fueling myself with energy drinks.... literally... the past two days I have had 2 16oz energy drinks and 2 8oz red bulls at work... I go to sleep between 3:30am and 4am most nights because Im at work till 3am....

I honestly wish I could just never eat.. I need to work out tho working two full time jobs right now has me soo exhausted any time im not working that I cant move enough to do any workouts...

I have about 3 months till my birthday and my goal is to be down to 112 by then... so right now my first goal is to be 115 by the end of oct.

I have to do this ....I am just realizing how much happier I am when the only thing I focus on is my weight.... when the food and weight and pounds and scales are all I think about then I cant get into trouble with other parts of my life....

so that's it... my main focus is weight lose and work... nothing else

tired

Havent weighed in a few days but I feel absolutely huge....

I am working and not eating much but when I do eat I feel its the worst stuff I could eat.........................

im gonna try and limit my eating to mainly liquid type foods.. which with all my work and rehearsals is possible....

hoping to at least be the same tmrw morning...

feeling like a binge drinking night is upon me... and its onlt 10:30am :/

work work work,,, save me

Well I know its been a while...

I was on vacation which ended up making me 4 lbs heavier...not bad...

Sence vacation I have literally been working non stop...yesterday was my first full day off in forever... Its a pretty good thing to be honest... with me working two full time jobs basically I never have time to eat a meal... yesterday wasn't great I ended up binging and purging on pizza all day but despite that I still managed to be back down to 119.8 this morning...

I am hoping that now that Im back to working 8:30-4:30 Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and 8:30-1:30 on Thursday and then working 5 nights a week 6:00-3:00am that I will finally be able to get back down to 115...I basically lived off energy drinks last week..which isn't great but at least the sugar free ones aren't as bad... we will see how long I can keep it up...

I am determind ....this time.... its gonna happen