So idk what it is.. could be that the scales where up this morning.. which i expected... could be the weather...could be that Im pissed at life right now...could be that i feel bloated and disgusting but I have NEVER wanted to be thin SOOOOO bad then I do right now... well i take that back cause back in college I wanted it badly but got closer then ever to achieving my goals....
but idk today I have just been thinking thin all day.. I want it I need it.. I miss it....
I hate my body I dont care much for my life right now... all I want is to be skinny again... I drank two cups of detox tea this morning and just got done with an exercise ruetiene that I will probably repeat later when Im home from work......most likely twce
I am tired... Im tired of being fat and feeling so disgusted with myself that I dont want to look at my own reflection... Tired of seeing friends and family members skinnier then me and being envious and wishing I looked like them... Tired of struggling and not loosing...
I'm tired of being someone Im not to please those around me.. Im tired of eating cause I "have" too
So you know what.. Im done!
I am gonna do what I do best and thats restrict.....purge...over exercise...be skinny or at least do everything I can to get there...Im gonna go back to being the person i know best the person that makes me happy .. the person that gets me closer to my goals...
I want ppl to look at me once again and say youve lost weight or you look good.. or wow your so skinny... I want it!
Today is for me! Im done doing things for others
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Cramps from hell!
so I have been having major cramps the past two days.... I never have cramps when I am on my period but this time I am and they are bad....like hurting so bad making me queezy...uhg
my weekends didnt exactly go the way I wanted as my meeting got cancled and so I ended not being as busy and hung out with..a friend ...and ended up eating more then I wanted... I didnt over eat... or eat a ridiculous amount.. but i ate things i shouldnt have...
then last night after getting home i drank beer hoping the slight buzz would help with my cramps I ate dinner with my husband and of corse purged after.... then took a bunch of laxies... s I have been going to the bathroom all day...
I havet weighed because I am afraid Im back up from the weekend or worse .... I have a halloween party on Nov. 3rd and if my costume comes in on time I will be wearing it... however I need to get my act together ... so the plan is to start a fast tmrw and try and do it for at least 3 days... I cant start today as I have plans tonight with a family member and I cant not eat dinner with them without causing suspicion...
uhg so I'll be weighing myself in the morning although I wont want to after having to eat dinner the night before without purging.... but I want a start weight before fasting.
wish me luck I would love to at least get down to 125 by saturday for the party...
my weekends didnt exactly go the way I wanted as my meeting got cancled and so I ended not being as busy and hung out with..a friend ...and ended up eating more then I wanted... I didnt over eat... or eat a ridiculous amount.. but i ate things i shouldnt have...
then last night after getting home i drank beer hoping the slight buzz would help with my cramps I ate dinner with my husband and of corse purged after.... then took a bunch of laxies... s I have been going to the bathroom all day...
I havet weighed because I am afraid Im back up from the weekend or worse .... I have a halloween party on Nov. 3rd and if my costume comes in on time I will be wearing it... however I need to get my act together ... so the plan is to start a fast tmrw and try and do it for at least 3 days... I cant start today as I have plans tonight with a family member and I cant not eat dinner with them without causing suspicion...
uhg so I'll be weighing myself in the morning although I wont want to after having to eat dinner the night before without purging.... but I want a start weight before fasting.
wish me luck I would love to at least get down to 125 by saturday for the party...
Thursday, October 25, 2012
on edge
Im soo irritated today... dont know if it was the lack of sleep I got last night or what but I just dont want to deal with anything.
despite my slight weight drop down to 126.2 I am still irritated.. its not good enough but I guess its something(if I can keep it off) ... no doubt just water weight from purging and using the toilet so much.
neway more and more guilt keeps riding up on me due to just circumstances that have nothing to do with me but remind me of the choice Ive made. tho I know it is wrong and not trying to make an excuse for it, in some slight way Im not as upset about it as I should be because in some since I needed it....
newho blah blah on things I cant even admit to fully out load... considering its a secret in my life that will never be told to anyone... except possibly eventually the one person I should tell...
neway I have a terrible headache from being so on edge and not sleepeing well my neck and shoulders kill from sleeping on my one side for the past week since I cant sleep on my bruised thigh...
just bad in general... I wanna just sleep through the weekend .. or how about the rest of the month....
sorry for a bitchy post... I just needed it...
despite my slight weight drop down to 126.2 I am still irritated.. its not good enough but I guess its something(if I can keep it off) ... no doubt just water weight from purging and using the toilet so much.
neway more and more guilt keeps riding up on me due to just circumstances that have nothing to do with me but remind me of the choice Ive made. tho I know it is wrong and not trying to make an excuse for it, in some slight way Im not as upset about it as I should be because in some since I needed it....
newho blah blah on things I cant even admit to fully out load... considering its a secret in my life that will never be told to anyone... except possibly eventually the one person I should tell...
neway I have a terrible headache from being so on edge and not sleepeing well my neck and shoulders kill from sleeping on my one side for the past week since I cant sleep on my bruised thigh...
just bad in general... I wanna just sleep through the weekend .. or how about the rest of the month....
sorry for a bitchy post... I just needed it...
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
middle day
I hate wed. .... the middle of the week is hard for me specially when i havent accomplished anything the first half of the week....
I have a very long weekend ahead of me... Im going to try my hardest not to let temptations get the best of me... hopefully I can get through saturday without eating.... I have alot of driving to do that day and will be busy with stuff so I am hoping I can do it....
I have started trying to do some light exercises that dont use to much of my hurt leg... Im hoping that will help me loose... I just gotta get some of this weight off before I go insane .. I have suditions and stuff and I have to set up a shoot for after the weekend to update my headshots since my hair will be changing.... and I cant stand the thought of doing a photo shoot at this weight.... specially after the last shoot i did which has been about a month now... i havent been able to bring myself to do one since then....
this particular shoot was after I had gained the weight i had and the photographer made a comment about my bigger thighs :( and how they where bigger then the last time we shot together.... it took everything for me not to cry right then....
so since then i havent set foot infront of a camera... im determined to not shoot again till i get back down to at least 120...
which will hopefully be sooner then later :/
I have a very long weekend ahead of me... Im going to try my hardest not to let temptations get the best of me... hopefully I can get through saturday without eating.... I have alot of driving to do that day and will be busy with stuff so I am hoping I can do it....
I have started trying to do some light exercises that dont use to much of my hurt leg... Im hoping that will help me loose... I just gotta get some of this weight off before I go insane .. I have suditions and stuff and I have to set up a shoot for after the weekend to update my headshots since my hair will be changing.... and I cant stand the thought of doing a photo shoot at this weight.... specially after the last shoot i did which has been about a month now... i havent been able to bring myself to do one since then....
this particular shoot was after I had gained the weight i had and the photographer made a comment about my bigger thighs :( and how they where bigger then the last time we shot together.... it took everything for me not to cry right then....
so since then i havent set foot infront of a camera... im determined to not shoot again till i get back down to at least 120...
which will hopefully be sooner then later :/
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
grey weather for a grey mood
no new results in weight today still at 127..... part of the problem I know is that I currently cant work out... Thursday night/early morning I fell down my attic stairs. This resulted in a huge bruise on my thigh.... I mean huge..its dark purple I have carpet burn, there are several other bruises but the one on my thigh is the worst... it hurts when im not even doing anything..
so I have been eating as little as possible to counter the fact that I cant do much in workouts till its more healed. I hate being stuck at this huge size... expecially with the holidays right around the corner....
My birthday is in about a month and a half and I am desperate to get down to at least 115 by my birthday...thats a total of 12lbs in 52 days..... yes i know it seems like a little amount in a long amount of time but my body hates me and never wants to lose the weight...
Im still struggling with some life choices I have made lately that dispite my blog being under a different name I still cant bring myself to admit to it, even on here....well struggling isnt the right word...just trying to figure out why im necessarily ok with the choices...
I have been off and on my medications which I know isnt good specially because they are for my depression... but I suprisingly havent been feeling really low or crazy sad like normal when i go off them... just kind of ....static...which is weird like im just drifting not happy not sad just ..am...
thinking about doing a detox soon... and actually sticking to it.. I have tried the past two weeks but they last a day before I am forced to eat dinner with my husband...which then I purge.... I havent kept down a dinner in 3 weeks... my lunches(if i eat lunch) consist of a half a sandwhich... I keep that down but dinner is totally different....anything no matter how healthy or how much i eat at dinner gets thrown up... its a bad habit to be back in but for some reason i cant stop myself...Im falling back down this hole... I'm letting her take control ...and in some ways I dont care...
so I have been eating as little as possible to counter the fact that I cant do much in workouts till its more healed. I hate being stuck at this huge size... expecially with the holidays right around the corner....
My birthday is in about a month and a half and I am desperate to get down to at least 115 by my birthday...thats a total of 12lbs in 52 days..... yes i know it seems like a little amount in a long amount of time but my body hates me and never wants to lose the weight...
Im still struggling with some life choices I have made lately that dispite my blog being under a different name I still cant bring myself to admit to it, even on here....well struggling isnt the right word...just trying to figure out why im necessarily ok with the choices...
I have been off and on my medications which I know isnt good specially because they are for my depression... but I suprisingly havent been feeling really low or crazy sad like normal when i go off them... just kind of ....static...which is weird like im just drifting not happy not sad just ..am...
thinking about doing a detox soon... and actually sticking to it.. I have tried the past two weeks but they last a day before I am forced to eat dinner with my husband...which then I purge.... I havent kept down a dinner in 3 weeks... my lunches(if i eat lunch) consist of a half a sandwhich... I keep that down but dinner is totally different....anything no matter how healthy or how much i eat at dinner gets thrown up... its a bad habit to be back in but for some reason i cant stop myself...Im falling back down this hole... I'm letting her take control ...and in some ways I dont care...
Monday, October 22, 2012
fail
so i have been a major fail at writing and posting.. I have read blogs and such... just been in such a funk cant seem to pull myself out of it and get my mind back to posting...
things have certainly been weird and different... Im still struggling with losing the disgusting weight I have put on....ready to admit that I am currently at 127lbs :( so sad and fustrated with myself fo letting it get so high but I am determined...
sadly I have started purging on a regular basis again and using laxs... I have been taking ephedra and asprin again as well ...
I will try and keep up with the posting and get some updates on the fucked up life that Ive been leading the past couple months.... its rediculous and wrong in so many ways...
stay strong to everyone reading
things have certainly been weird and different... Im still struggling with losing the disgusting weight I have put on....ready to admit that I am currently at 127lbs :( so sad and fustrated with myself fo letting it get so high but I am determined...
sadly I have started purging on a regular basis again and using laxs... I have been taking ephedra and asprin again as well ...
I will try and keep up with the posting and get some updates on the fucked up life that Ive been leading the past couple months.... its rediculous and wrong in so many ways...
stay strong to everyone reading
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