Three days off wuth husband...total fail :( what is wrong with me?
So here i am i book a 4 day promotional job and then get on the scale today and ats back to 134.6 fml. I wanna die. Looks like ill be trying to eat pretty much nothing until thursday to try and get it back down...i hate myself...
If i can just get under 130 i now it will be easier to keep it down...but those stupid 120, 130 marks are so annoyingly difficult.
Starve starve starve....purgr purge purge....thus is what i need to live by and just deal with it
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
finally progress
Well all week i have managed to eat next to nothing spending the days consuming some crackers maybe a piece of toast. I dropped weight which im happy about the past two days i was at 132.6 and despite having an off night and eating pizza and drinking i still managed to be down to 131 this morning.
Lowest weight i have seen in months. Just gotta keep it down and keep losing.
Id love to be down to 120 by the end of February but we shall see. Just gotta keep up the restricting. Im so determind to lose all this weight ive put on...
Thin to the end
Lowest weight i have seen in months. Just gotta keep it down and keep losing.
Id love to be down to 120 by the end of February but we shall see. Just gotta keep up the restricting. Im so determind to lose all this weight ive put on...
Thin to the end
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
cold outside, cold inside
So yesterday was decent...despite drinking more then i should the night befor, i was suprised when i stepped on the scale and was down. 133.4 made me feel devent enough to keep from eating much the entire day. A pickle spear and some low fat cottage cheese and a ton of water.
Had to fast for some blood work this morning with the hubs so that made it easy not to eat when he got home.
I barely slept last night..maybe 2 hours...got up and weighed 134.0 (could be worse) unfortunately hubs wanted to go to breakfast after the blood work....which we all knew what hapened..so do i really need to go there....barfing followed by laxitives, followed by now my stomach hurts and i dont feel like doing anything but lay hete the rest of the day.
Fine with me.....ill do ab work tonight then dancing tmrw....i just want to see some difference...my hips are wide as hell..fuckin saddle bags i hate my hips and thighs. ..someone just cut them off
Trying to hang in there
Had to fast for some blood work this morning with the hubs so that made it easy not to eat when he got home.
I barely slept last night..maybe 2 hours...got up and weighed 134.0 (could be worse) unfortunately hubs wanted to go to breakfast after the blood work....which we all knew what hapened..so do i really need to go there....barfing followed by laxitives, followed by now my stomach hurts and i dont feel like doing anything but lay hete the rest of the day.
Fine with me.....ill do ab work tonight then dancing tmrw....i just want to see some difference...my hips are wide as hell..fuckin saddle bags i hate my hips and thighs. ..someone just cut them off
Trying to hang in there
Monday, January 19, 2015
Why do I even get my hopes up?
I mean grant it I never really expect to lose much from purging everything....cause I know that really it makes me retain water ect. but the fact that Im 1.) not eating much at all. Ive restricted down to one or two small meals a day 2.) pretty much purging anything I do eat for those meals and 3.) working out
I would have liked to see just a tiny move in the scale...like .5lbs ANYTHING!! instead I have been at 135.4 all week. nothing I do is making the scale move. I absolutely hate being this large...HATE IT! My clothes don't fit, there's chub everywhere....I just cant stand it.
Yesterday I ended up vomiting whatever I did eat, literally right after finishing the last bite I was in the bathroom. then before going to bed took 6 laxatives which resulted in me waking 2 hours later and getting sick to my stomach.
Today I woke up took the new diet pill Im trying and then ate a piece of pizza (I know horrible food to eat but it was in the house) I only didn't purge that because it was like noon and my husband is off today (not that him being there stops me. Ive thrown up plenty of times with him there, he is very aware of the issue as I don't keep much of anything from him) I also didn't want to throw up the diet pill I had takin 15 mins before eating. Im trying my hardest to only drink water.
Currently Im at my parents house while my hubs helps my dad chop wood. I looked at some old modeling pictures that where on my computer...I miss it... I haven't modeled in over a year because I got busy working at the club and then also gained all this weight from my injections. Looking at those pictures kills me...now I hated my body then too but compared to now its amazing...the hip bones, rib bones, collar bones....slightly smaller thighs... Id kill to have that back right now..
20lbs stands between me and being back to the size I was when I modeled...currently that is my goal..lose the 20lbs...I would love to lose it before my surgery in march but that would mean I would have to lose 3.3lbs each week and right now that's not happening since I lost nothing this week:(
In reality I know that in the past the only way I EVER lost weight was to simply starve....go days without food and doing a ton of cardio....I want to starve I want to simply not eat but it gets hard when my hubs is off two days a week. he tries to make sure I eat at least once. Im hoping that maybe if I restrict down even more and only eat the two days he is off that maybe ill lose...MAYBE
I need support and encouragement... I need to lose....I need too
I would have liked to see just a tiny move in the scale...like .5lbs ANYTHING!! instead I have been at 135.4 all week. nothing I do is making the scale move. I absolutely hate being this large...HATE IT! My clothes don't fit, there's chub everywhere....I just cant stand it.
Yesterday I ended up vomiting whatever I did eat, literally right after finishing the last bite I was in the bathroom. then before going to bed took 6 laxatives which resulted in me waking 2 hours later and getting sick to my stomach.
Today I woke up took the new diet pill Im trying and then ate a piece of pizza (I know horrible food to eat but it was in the house) I only didn't purge that because it was like noon and my husband is off today (not that him being there stops me. Ive thrown up plenty of times with him there, he is very aware of the issue as I don't keep much of anything from him) I also didn't want to throw up the diet pill I had takin 15 mins before eating. Im trying my hardest to only drink water.
Currently Im at my parents house while my hubs helps my dad chop wood. I looked at some old modeling pictures that where on my computer...I miss it... I haven't modeled in over a year because I got busy working at the club and then also gained all this weight from my injections. Looking at those pictures kills me...now I hated my body then too but compared to now its amazing...the hip bones, rib bones, collar bones....slightly smaller thighs... Id kill to have that back right now..
20lbs stands between me and being back to the size I was when I modeled...currently that is my goal..lose the 20lbs...I would love to lose it before my surgery in march but that would mean I would have to lose 3.3lbs each week and right now that's not happening since I lost nothing this week:(
In reality I know that in the past the only way I EVER lost weight was to simply starve....go days without food and doing a ton of cardio....I want to starve I want to simply not eat but it gets hard when my hubs is off two days a week. he tries to make sure I eat at least once. Im hoping that maybe if I restrict down even more and only eat the two days he is off that maybe ill lose...MAYBE
I need support and encouragement... I need to lose....I need too
Friday, January 16, 2015
WOW! Has it really been this long...
Wow...so this will be my first post in a little over a year..my last post stated i would be leaving my day job there for i wouldnt have interent access, which is pretty much what happend.....so much has happened in the past year and most of it not very good.
So lets see i was working late nights at a club which ws great money but after a while it became very stressful to deal with the type of men that go to those places. I began drinking every time i worked and even sometimes before leaving for work just so id feel ok going in. All the drinking and late night eating and sleeping in till 3pm from being up late i started to gain weight...i never got to see my husband and things got very hard.
I worked there a total of 9-10 months before having a complete panic attack vefore work one day and quit. My husband didnt mind me working there but told me my health was more important and he wanted to see me not so depressed. During the time i worked i saved up alot of money in hopes me and my husband would move, then another twist got thrown in life...
I had several appointments which led to some ultrasounds which lead to a laparoscopic surgery where i was then diagnosed with Endometriosis. I had a small endo cyst on my right fallopian tube and then endometriosis scar tissue connecting my left ovary and fallopian tube to my bowel and colon wall.
In order to fix all this i would have to start treatments which included a once a month injection for six months that would basically send my body into a medically induced menopause. These injections cause me to have all the symptoms of menopause including hot flashes, sweats, mood swings and yes weight gain.
Now i started these treatments in september 2014 when after quitting my job in august i had gained and weighed a dreadfull 126:( well a month after starting the injections i gained and was up to 129...i began feeling more and more awful i spent most my days at home since i didnt worj anymore and have all the medical issues. By december i was up to 133 and hated myself. It was becoming hard for me to restrict because of my moodiness and change in hormones. I stopped weighing because i got so depressed and became so afraid of what the scale would say...in the mean time i was put back on anti depressants along with sleep aides because the hot flashes kept me up at night. And my husband moved into a different job in hopes to make more money for my medical bills, which while he is transitioning we have been low on money forcing us to use what we saved for moving
So then here we are...in January i had my 5th injection which meant i also met with the doctor totalk about my next surgery and everytbing that will happen to remove the scar tissue. I showed up and unlike the other aappointments they decided to weigh me...i was terrified as i hadnt weighed in months...i stepped on the scale(granted i had clothes on and hadnt #2ed in two days) i looked at the weight and held back tears liyerally...it read 142....i almost died...
The doctor and i talked about my next surgery and also decided since im 28 and married that during the surgery we should also test my tubees to make sure they are open.
So since then jan5th i have been in a complete spiral...finding out my weight has sent me into a total rage...ive been eating next to nothing ...ive been purging one to three times a day...ive been working out and started zumba once a week too.
Im completely disgusted with myself in allowing me to get this size...i never wanted to be above 130 let alone 140...since the appointment and basically going nuts i am now down to 134. My goal is to at leas get into the 120's before my surgery in March. Ive bought a new diet/caffiene pill to go along with workibg out...ive never been a huge purger but lately i hate myself so much i will get up anything i eat thats not a vegetable.
So now that ive wrote a book about the past year...i hope everyone else has been doing well ive been trying to cath up on blogs
I will be trying to keep up with writing more as an outlit to help me get back to my old self
<3 thin to the end
So lets see i was working late nights at a club which ws great money but after a while it became very stressful to deal with the type of men that go to those places. I began drinking every time i worked and even sometimes before leaving for work just so id feel ok going in. All the drinking and late night eating and sleeping in till 3pm from being up late i started to gain weight...i never got to see my husband and things got very hard.
I worked there a total of 9-10 months before having a complete panic attack vefore work one day and quit. My husband didnt mind me working there but told me my health was more important and he wanted to see me not so depressed. During the time i worked i saved up alot of money in hopes me and my husband would move, then another twist got thrown in life...
I had several appointments which led to some ultrasounds which lead to a laparoscopic surgery where i was then diagnosed with Endometriosis. I had a small endo cyst on my right fallopian tube and then endometriosis scar tissue connecting my left ovary and fallopian tube to my bowel and colon wall.
In order to fix all this i would have to start treatments which included a once a month injection for six months that would basically send my body into a medically induced menopause. These injections cause me to have all the symptoms of menopause including hot flashes, sweats, mood swings and yes weight gain.
Now i started these treatments in september 2014 when after quitting my job in august i had gained and weighed a dreadfull 126:( well a month after starting the injections i gained and was up to 129...i began feeling more and more awful i spent most my days at home since i didnt worj anymore and have all the medical issues. By december i was up to 133 and hated myself. It was becoming hard for me to restrict because of my moodiness and change in hormones. I stopped weighing because i got so depressed and became so afraid of what the scale would say...in the mean time i was put back on anti depressants along with sleep aides because the hot flashes kept me up at night. And my husband moved into a different job in hopes to make more money for my medical bills, which while he is transitioning we have been low on money forcing us to use what we saved for moving
So then here we are...in January i had my 5th injection which meant i also met with the doctor totalk about my next surgery and everytbing that will happen to remove the scar tissue. I showed up and unlike the other aappointments they decided to weigh me...i was terrified as i hadnt weighed in months...i stepped on the scale(granted i had clothes on and hadnt #2ed in two days) i looked at the weight and held back tears liyerally...it read 142....i almost died...
The doctor and i talked about my next surgery and also decided since im 28 and married that during the surgery we should also test my tubees to make sure they are open.
So since then jan5th i have been in a complete spiral...finding out my weight has sent me into a total rage...ive been eating next to nothing ...ive been purging one to three times a day...ive been working out and started zumba once a week too.
Im completely disgusted with myself in allowing me to get this size...i never wanted to be above 130 let alone 140...since the appointment and basically going nuts i am now down to 134. My goal is to at leas get into the 120's before my surgery in March. Ive bought a new diet/caffiene pill to go along with workibg out...ive never been a huge purger but lately i hate myself so much i will get up anything i eat thats not a vegetable.
So now that ive wrote a book about the past year...i hope everyone else has been doing well ive been trying to cath up on blogs
I will be trying to keep up with writing more as an outlit to help me get back to my old self
<3 thin to the end
Thursday, October 17, 2013
its a daily wonder
so I will be leaving my day job starting Tuesday which means I wont have internet and will probably not be posting as much...Ive been bad about posting anyways just cause of being busy.. but neway.. the weight has been just as up, down as usual... I was at 123.8... then have been staying up and not sleeping much.. got sick from lack of sleep and exhaustion Tuesday night...wed I woke up weighing 119.6 not bad but spent the day drinking a lot of water and had soup.. at the end of the day I was 121... I didn't eat much yesterday about the same as Tuesday worked till 3:00 and had half a egg and cheese sandwich on the way home.. horrible I know but the smell of smoke and cigars from work had me so nauseous I had to get something on the way home.
I don't feel terribly fat today...Im assuming im somewhere around the same weight as yesterday... at least im hoping...my show opens next weekend and we are headed into tech week... im hoping that I can mainly sleep during the day (sense im no longer working) which will keep me from eating and then I'll have rehearsals every night this week....leaving room for one meal a day when I pick up my hubs for rehearsal...lets hope... I would love to be near 115 for opening night.. but knowing my body that's unrealistic... I would even take 118 at this point...
Im gonna start working out too now that I have more day time...its starting to get cold out which sucks cause that means I have to do indoor workouts ...i'll take what I can get...still trying to mainly eat vegetables and fruit limited carbs...
I have a lunch date with an old friend which is good and bad...we are both vegetarians so ordering something smaller and just with vegetables wont be weird.. however she chose for us to eat at a known Chinese place...which I know how much oils and such they use in their food...im terrified.. asking to cook things without butter or oil will seem strange and weird to do infront of her....
yikes..pray for me
I don't feel terribly fat today...Im assuming im somewhere around the same weight as yesterday... at least im hoping...my show opens next weekend and we are headed into tech week... im hoping that I can mainly sleep during the day (sense im no longer working) which will keep me from eating and then I'll have rehearsals every night this week....leaving room for one meal a day when I pick up my hubs for rehearsal...lets hope... I would love to be near 115 for opening night.. but knowing my body that's unrealistic... I would even take 118 at this point...
Im gonna start working out too now that I have more day time...its starting to get cold out which sucks cause that means I have to do indoor workouts ...i'll take what I can get...still trying to mainly eat vegetables and fruit limited carbs...
I have a lunch date with an old friend which is good and bad...we are both vegetarians so ordering something smaller and just with vegetables wont be weird.. however she chose for us to eat at a known Chinese place...which I know how much oils and such they use in their food...im terrified.. asking to cook things without butter or oil will seem strange and weird to do infront of her....
yikes..pray for me
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
over and over
sorry I suck
I do the same shit repeatedly... IDK why I cant seem to just be ther way I used too... I so miss and wish for those college days when I could so easily skip meals and go to the gym (for free) and workout two to three times a day...
Back then I easily maintained a 115 weight... drinking mainly vitamin water and Energy Drinks and going to the gym to workout on the elliptical for 60 mins at least twice a day..
no I cant maintain any weight its up down all the time and right now I can feel how fat I am... IDK my exact weight but I can easily tell its probably 125 or 126 (lord hopes its not higher) I eat very little through out the day but because I work such late hours (usually not getting home till 3:30am) I end up eating crazy late and then going to bed which is not ok... I still work two jobs and am in a musical right now so I never have time to workout.
my clothes are tight and I can visibly see that my stomach is bigger.. its disgusting ...
yesterday I did fine at first.. I ended up not eating till like 4:00 ....measured everything which included
141g of cottage cheese- 100 cal
85g lettuce- 10 cal
28g shredded cheese- 110 cal
30ml light Italian dressing- 35 cal
144g calafornia blend veggies- 51 cal
21g strawberries- 8 cal
total calories= 314
I then went to rehearsal drank a diet soda while I was there. after words my husband was hungry and so once we were home at like 11:45pm I started making a vegetarian pizza (not frozen) I really didn't want to eat the pizza but knew I would ...sauce, cheese, vegetarian sausage and tomatoes... I ended up eating three pieces while drinking...which has become a normal thing for me whenever I have to eat a big meal...I then of course regretted eating it and purged HARD...I threw up till I was just gagging...this morning I have broken blood vessels on my eye lids and around my eyes...
WHY? why do I do this shit over and over gain loose gain loose I hate it but I cant just be ok with this weight.. im 5'4 and feel at 125 or higher I look like a complete blimp.. im chubby and round.. I can even see it in my face..
so I'm really tired today from being up till 2 and purging has left me a little sore in my back... I work all day and then again tonight...Ive started making rules in my head ( having to measure everything before eating to get exact cal counts, no eating unless Im at my own house, no sweets, ect).. which is bad but I just I cant stand the thought of opening this show and looking this way...I have about 3 weeks till the show opens and I would like to be 115 by then.. ill try my hardest
if I can just resist the urge to eat shit like last night I might be able to loose considering the whole rest of the day I only consumed 314 calories...
I hate my body... I hate myself right now...I just want to be able to sleep normal hours and to have time to work out.. I know working out would help...hopefully my day job ends soon and I can begin working out again.
sorry for my crazy rants.. I know a lot of the time its the same thing over and over again... Im just struggling so bad with this lately along with the stress of two full time jobs and other life issues...right now I just focus on the weight issues well because I just cant deal with the others yet...
sorry...
I do the same shit repeatedly... IDK why I cant seem to just be ther way I used too... I so miss and wish for those college days when I could so easily skip meals and go to the gym (for free) and workout two to three times a day...
Back then I easily maintained a 115 weight... drinking mainly vitamin water and Energy Drinks and going to the gym to workout on the elliptical for 60 mins at least twice a day..
no I cant maintain any weight its up down all the time and right now I can feel how fat I am... IDK my exact weight but I can easily tell its probably 125 or 126 (lord hopes its not higher) I eat very little through out the day but because I work such late hours (usually not getting home till 3:30am) I end up eating crazy late and then going to bed which is not ok... I still work two jobs and am in a musical right now so I never have time to workout.
my clothes are tight and I can visibly see that my stomach is bigger.. its disgusting ...
yesterday I did fine at first.. I ended up not eating till like 4:00 ....measured everything which included
141g of cottage cheese- 100 cal
85g lettuce- 10 cal
28g shredded cheese- 110 cal
30ml light Italian dressing- 35 cal
144g calafornia blend veggies- 51 cal
21g strawberries- 8 cal
total calories= 314
I then went to rehearsal drank a diet soda while I was there. after words my husband was hungry and so once we were home at like 11:45pm I started making a vegetarian pizza (not frozen) I really didn't want to eat the pizza but knew I would ...sauce, cheese, vegetarian sausage and tomatoes... I ended up eating three pieces while drinking...which has become a normal thing for me whenever I have to eat a big meal...I then of course regretted eating it and purged HARD...I threw up till I was just gagging...this morning I have broken blood vessels on my eye lids and around my eyes...
WHY? why do I do this shit over and over gain loose gain loose I hate it but I cant just be ok with this weight.. im 5'4 and feel at 125 or higher I look like a complete blimp.. im chubby and round.. I can even see it in my face..
so I'm really tired today from being up till 2 and purging has left me a little sore in my back... I work all day and then again tonight...Ive started making rules in my head ( having to measure everything before eating to get exact cal counts, no eating unless Im at my own house, no sweets, ect).. which is bad but I just I cant stand the thought of opening this show and looking this way...I have about 3 weeks till the show opens and I would like to be 115 by then.. ill try my hardest
if I can just resist the urge to eat shit like last night I might be able to loose considering the whole rest of the day I only consumed 314 calories...
I hate my body... I hate myself right now...I just want to be able to sleep normal hours and to have time to work out.. I know working out would help...hopefully my day job ends soon and I can begin working out again.
sorry for my crazy rants.. I know a lot of the time its the same thing over and over again... Im just struggling so bad with this lately along with the stress of two full time jobs and other life issues...right now I just focus on the weight issues well because I just cant deal with the others yet...
sorry...
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