The Liebster Blog award

I have been nominated twice for the Liebster Blog award. Thanks to the ladies who did really makes me feel like I have somone out there who cares. IDK how to link stuff so Im gonna try

Thanks to: https://profiles.google.com/108998457111097372991#108998457111097372991/about and http://genna-2o.blogspot.com/

Thanks girls for nominating me :)

The Rules:
Once you are nominated, in your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them.

11 Things about Lila:
1. I have a B.A. in theater arts acting
2. I live in michigan but want to go to Cali
3. Im married and have been with my husband for 7 yrs.
4. My 26 bday is in 2 weeks (im freaked)
5. I love the color Green
6. my natural hair is Brown most ppl think the auburn color it is is natural.
7. I have a dog who i love..he is a boxer
8. I've been modeling for the past 2 yrs.
9. I love to cook, I just hate to eat it.
10. People dont know who I really am...I sometimes forget and get lost in the role Ive created for myself.
11. I have few actual friends...my best friend knows most everythign about me and accepts me and doesnt judge me because of it...she lives in NC now I rarely see her :/

Answers for Genna 2.0
1- What is your greatest addiction? my greatest addiction is my weight...Im addicted to knowing the numbers.. also Im addictied to the feeling of being wanted ...It makes me feel better and happier to know someone wants me even if they cant have me
2- What is the one thing you have done/caused that you are proud of? I am proud that I followed my dreams of acting and modeling and that I havent given up on them dispite the rough life ive had sense college
3- Whom do you admire most? (can be living or dead, famous or commonor) I admire my sister.. she is an amazing person and strives to do what she loves. I also admire Audrey Hepburn she was a beautiful amazing actress (who also suffered from an E.D)
4- If you could "steal" one SuperHero / SuperVilain 's powers who's would it be AND why? idk but I would want to shapeshift so I coul be whatever I wanted
5- Have you ever "googled" yourself? (or any kind of "search engine" yourself) Yes
6- Honestly? Wow! Ok do so now and write the answer this question with the first result appearing (you may google your blogger name if anonimity is as important to you as it is to me :-)en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lila
7- What is your favorite television show? As in you loyaly watch every week, begging for next week to come...well classic is the Simpsons.. and I love the Vampire Diaries tho I will miss this weeks because of work.
8- Which is your favorite season and why? I like them all LOL
9- What is the one thing people constantly tell you/ask you that you ABSOLUTELY HATE HEARING? in the modeling business ppl tell me its nice to see someone who isnt stick then and has curves.. I hate this because obvi I hate my curves and to me you just called me fat...I also hate being asked "are you ok" a million times
10- What is your current level of education? (ex: mine is HighSchool Graduate, Bartending Drop-Out & Advertisement Student)I graduated college and have a B.A. in theater arts and a minor in Media Communications
11- If you could teleport 6people to your house right now, who would it be. (must be alive atm) My best friend, her hubby and baby, johnny dept (just cause who doesnt want him in your house lol), my husband so I could see him for once insted of always being at work. annnndd idk lol im kinda lame lol

Answers for Katie Elizabeth
1: What is your favorite childhood memory? my fav. memory would be vacationing at my familys vacation spot when i was younger, my fav uncle lives there and me and my sister sat around the table with him and my aunt and played some marble game... we joked alot and i laughed so hard i fell out of my chair.
2: What is the name for your first kid when you have them? if its a boy Ezekiel and if its a girl Isis
3: What is your favorite style to wear your hair in? well my hair is now to short to do much with so i like to straighten it.. its cut like a bob
4: Mac or PC? Gateway :)
5: Do you have pets? If so, how many and what kind? I have one dog and I have a Rabbit
6: What is your nervous habit? I shake my legs alot I also find anything to play with and roll it in my hands tear paper ect. I also bite my lips and peel the skin off them (its gross)
7: Who is your best friend and why? we will call her CMP she has been my friend since middle school who look alike and were mistaken for sisters all the time we finally convienced half the school including teachers that we were cousins. she knows everyhthing about me and never judges. she lives states away now but when we do see each other its like we just hung out the day before. she is truely amazing
8: What color would you choose to paint your room? my room is tan and brown I also painted trees on the one wall :) I love it thats what i chose
9: Where is your dream vacation? I would love to go to ireland or scottland to learn about my heritage.
10: What is your favorite genre of movies? I love thrillers, I also like comedies and some scary movies if they are the make you jump kind and not the gross goar kind
11: What kind of music do you listen to? I listen to everything except country.. I like R and B but also love the classic rock and inde sound... oh and dubstep :)

SOO now I nominate ppl...I dont have 11 sorry Ill try and get more later...idk how to do this link thing so it may be messed up lol


lovelyyou http://the-beauty-of-bones.blogspot.com/
The Best Skinny lil bitch in the world http://www.blogger.com/profile/05506883029824701975
lolita http://www.blogger.com/profile/08248377476158110337

11 questions for the Ladies:
1. what is your dream job?
2. if you could switch with any person for a day who would it be and why?
3. do you have siblings and have you ever been jealous of them for any reason?
4. if you could choose anywhere.. where would you live?
5. what is your fav pass time hobby?
6. Have you ever been in love.. how many times?
7. if you had to get a tattoo this second.. what would it be and why?
8. have you ever had a surgery? (cosmetic or emergency)
9. whats your greatest childhood fear( any answers about weight dont count)
10. do you have a favorite relitive? if yes why are they your fav?
11. if you could meet in person any of your blogger followers or blogger mates that u share with.. would u?

ok yay thanks to everyone I will blog tmrw on whats up... im working a ton so its CRAZY!!

work work work...

I have been MIA.... I have been training like crazy for my new job.... i havent weighed in days ..mainly cause im nervous...I havent been eating much because Ive been crazy busy I take my test today for work this will determine if i actually start working the job on saturday when we open... Im freaking I have been studying all night but I have bad anxiety when it comes to tests... like BAD so im really hopeing i do ok... the running around and everything does help with the eating Im hopeing to keep up with it.. Im actually looking forward to having a more fast paced job where I can get away with not eating and dont have ppl concerned with it.. I have about two and a half weeks till my birthday... i KNOW Im not close to what I wanted to be... I was hoping for 110 HAHAAHAA yea right fat ass... Ill be lucky if I can get to 115 by then.... if all goes well the next couple of days I plan to weigh in on thursday... I start work saturday if I pass my test and lets at least hope for 125... the uniforms are more then revealing... sigh why do i do these things to myself.... at least keeps me very motivated.. everytime i want to eat i think of one of the WAAY skinny girls ill be working with and how fat I'll look next to them... usually keeps me from putting anything in my mouth... i gotta get it together.... being this giant is unacceptable..

some one please just kill me now

Fuck I couldnt blog yesterday due to I hate myself.... weight was upp to 126.. WTF HOW!!??!?!?! I didnt weigh today.. I just couldnt... Im not looking forward to tmrw and already planning on purging thanksgiving dinner... just have to find the right time to do it... I hate myself right now.. I hate how clothes feel on my body I hate how I look in the mirror I hate the damn fat ass number on the scale.. its disgusting... I start training for my new job on saturday and am excited having two jjobs will mean no time at home to eat no time for food and because Im poor I never have money to buy food anyway... Im just... in the worst mood.. I hate my life and just want for once to be back down to the weight I used to be... I cant wait for this stupid fat ass week to be over...

FML

I am still at 125.. I feel like a complete failure.... I have been restricting and drinking water aand doing everything possible and I cant seem to lose... its upsetting me soo much to know that thanksgiving is almost here and I am still at 125... Im a cow. knowing this is making that lil voice telling me to just risk it and purge on thursday, more and more reasonable. theres no way I can digest the food Im going to have to consume on thursday when i am this big...no way! i work all day and am planning on stopping by the drug store to get laxs for that day the only thing that sucks is that I have to work EARLY on friday which means the laxs are gonna kick in at work if I dont plan right and take them at the right time... I cant handle his.... Im drinking detox tea and have brought 3 other teas with me to work to get me through the day... I dont plan on eating dinner... Im hoping by the time i get home my husband will have already ate and wont ask me to join him. tmrw I have a busy day but unfortunatly a pizza party for the new job i got... I wont be eating any.. tho i love pizza being in a room full of skinny girls will help me keep from eating.. I plan on bring a large bottle of water with me and just water logging to keep me full. Im so depressed lately ....I stopped my meds due to they are causing my insomnia to be worse and with my stress level being so high i cant handle the stress and no sleep so i cut my meds.. im doing alright without them... i have a "friend" to talk too which helps alot... can i please just sleep through thanksgiving please

not budging

So my weight is not moving.. Im still at 125 and its driving me insane.. this stress Im dealing with in my life including major finacial issues....holidays...work ect. is only make my go more crazy about my weight... I am so down about our money problems... I am literally dead broke....the only thing holding me together is the thought that maybe, just MAYBE i can drop some weight... I have just been soo down... and I didnt sleep well last night do to stress... so this morning was a disaster before i even stepped on the scale and saw the same stupid fat ass number... the days are ticking by and Im afraid that if I dont loose something before the holiday im going to be soo distraught im gonna end up making foolish decisions and do something stupid thursday.... I just want to go to sleep and not wake up to be honest

A tea day

So back to work FINALLY!!! Im happy to be back its way easier to control my food intake when Im working. Im still stuck at my dreaded 125 mark... I injured my tail bone over the weekend and so its a bit sore still. but I am determined to get back to normal... we have like 9 days till thanksgiving and I am not at the weight I would prefer before a holiday... I would like to get back down to 120 by thanksgiving so thats what im gonna try and do in 9 days.... its been miserable inside my head lately... like I dont want to look at myself nor do i want anyone else looking at me.... I try and not let it get to me but it does... and I know it gets to my husband... sometimes I think he just doesnt care or want to deal with it anymore so he just lets me do whatever... other times i think he literally just doesnt know what to do... my husband is very aware of my issues...sometimes I think he maybe doesnt know the severity.. but other times I think well he really cant be that blind not to see it... he knows i use laxs..a lot... he knows I dont eat much and that if he isnt there i probably am not eating much,..he also knows I purge... the only thing with that is weather or not he knows how much i purge... its a bit shameful for me.. I know im f'ed up and that i should try more to be normal insted of just indulging in this side of things... but part of me cant take the weight gain and food intke when I try and let go and be "normal"... I love thanksgiving its one of my fav holidays.. the smells and tastes of my moms cooking is wonderful... tho theres a big part of me that gets more and more anxious knowing its getting nearer and that on that day so much family will be there and I wont be able to purge after eating... the stares and looks if I dont eat a decent amount... but Im trying to push those thoughts aside and just focus on losing weight before then. Im drinking tea and water all day to try and get any extra water weight out, I've had a qaurter of a sandwhich and dont plan on eating dinner. stay strong everyone... holidays are hard

mini post

So its been a min. I have been off work so I haven't had internet. I'm posting from my phone which sucks. I have had good and bad days... I was doing amazing! By Friday I was down to 123!! I was soo excited my restricting and purging was finally paying off.. however I had to go to a work party with my husband Saturday night Nd made the mistake of smoking a joint and eating and not purging...then on top of that Sunday I had to go to a baby shower my family and mom where there so I had to eat and because I had orientation right after I had no time to purge.. I was bloated and disgusting feeling.. and because of that today I'm back up to 125 :( fuck! So now that the weekends over I'm back to what I do best.. I start training on wed and will he very busy working two jobs now... The uniform I have to wear is very revealing for this waitress job so its gonna force me to loose so I can look as good as the other tiny waitresses.. I feel like a complete fat ass compared to them :( I'm hoping to get back to 123 or less by Saturday. Here's to hoping I can...

lets hope for the best!

So today back up to 125.8 which is only a .6 gain ... which is better then i expected based on the fact that I ate a sandwhich last night and kept it down.. and also had a few vodka orange juices....

and this morning did start off good considering i had an english muffin...fml whats wrong with me..
drank two mugs of tea hoping that will keep away any hunger... bad news is Im off work for like 5 days... thats the worst because being at work helps keep me from eating...

Im going to be doing everything possible to keep myself busy so that I dont make a pig of myself and gain back the weight I lost.... Im like really wanting to loose at least 2lbs by monday... and so far im kinda stuck...

I just have to be strong.... i can resist....

a bit of light

Thank the lord I at least managed to get down to 125.4 for saturdays party.. still felt huge but way better then being 128... and I have maintained the 125ish number for the past three days... sunday was 125.6 and today was 125.2...

Im finally getting back into things... bad in some ways but honestly the number going down makes it soo worth it... I am not onto my next goal of 5lbs.... Im feeling if I keep up what I have been doing.. heavy restricting and exercise I should be able to possibly get at least half that off by next monday...

Im still feeling pretty shitty... Im layering on clothes like it was noones business... I cant stand how i look at the moment... I even hate my face..and with the new short hair cut its hard for me to hide it...

I really want to start doing a bit of modeling again but its hard for me to picture doing it when all i see is a fat ugly slob.... I havent done a modeling shoot since I put the weight on.... but with my new hair I need new headshots and such...

its a pain... i think Id feel a little better about it if I can get down to 120....lets hope so...

I just feel ugly... i like my new hair its cute... but modeling wise I thinking Im not as attractive now that my long hair is gone and feel like the pictures wont be as good :/

sigh

too little too late?

Things have just not been going well.. first off my fast didnt last and got screwed up because of situations i cant control.

tmrw I have to have dinner with a friend of mine which means food.. :( Im gonna order a salad no matter where we go and hope i can handle eating it.. I have purged almost everything I have eatin in the past two days... my weight was of corse up on monday but I have no idea where I am at now... I didnt have time to weigh this morning..

Im dreading saturday as I look and feel like a damn hippo and have to wear a skimpy costume to this party...

I want to die like seriously....

working out then running errands after work... lets hope I can stay busy today.. help keep my mind at ease