Nothing lasts

Uhg Im a complete failure....

I cant manage to loose weight then just keep it off... I did it....

on saturday, the day before my photoshoot, I was 114.6 ...I was exstatic.... I cant remember when i ever saw a number below 115...

Sunday the day of the shoot I was 115... that was ok cause at least I was were I wanted to be... the day was long and tireing and busy but everything went well...

Un fortunatly I fucked it all up like I always do and am now currently sitting at 117.2 ...FML

I dont understand why i cant just continue loosing or stay the same.. it seems something always comes up after i hit a goal and then that goal is gone and im back to being crazy upset about it... I have been eating to much the last few days... I know thats why I gained it back... even tho I purge most of it... I hate doing that... I know its horrible...

I just for once want to drop the weight and see the lower number for a few days... if I could stay at 115 for a few days I would have been in such a better mood...

well back to crazy work schedules and never eating.....its just the only way....nothing else works ...

besides... I really dont need the food....I know this for a fact.... I went 6 weeks on just liquids when my jaw was wired shut...to bad i cant do that again....I would love to not be able to eat....

I dont need food... food is a luxery not a necessity.

can we just go back please

uhg so I ended up weighing myself after work which ended up not being bad..to my surprise I was at 115.6...weighed like 4 times to make sure it was accurat lol.

sadly tho I drank a ton of liquids at work and this morning I was back up to 117.0 :/ fml can it be back to yesterday...

I am sipping my diet coke right now and I had an orange which I dont feel to bad about cause its a negative food. but I also had 1/4 of a sandwhich...uhg mainly because Im cramping so bad from my period that I was hoping a lil bread or something would help... it didnt and know i just feel guilty...

so I took two ephedra diet pills and will probably  try and burn off everything tonight.

Im still determinded to be 115 on sunday... i can do this i know i can... get your shit together Lila!

uuuhhhhggggg Im so sick of this


also lastly I wanted to take a moment to thank another blogger....Katie Elizabeth...
  Thank you for your kind and caring comments.. you have no idea how much they help me on rough days...its always nice to see that you have someone there ... I just wanted to say thank you. your positive and incouraging comments make things a lil easier sometimes.

I appriciaate all my lovely blog readers and writers. tho i dont always comment i do read ....

we are all in this together.. hang in there loves!

weekend bustle

So Im feeling better..as in im not as sick anymore... tho I feel shitty still about how I look...whats new..

so the weekend went alright.. tho my weight dropped here and there i binged and purged and I know I shouldnt have...

last time I weighed which I believe was sunday morning I was down to 116 from 117.4 on friday... tho I know unless I can hold that weight for a while ....I know its really water weight from the purging...

I didnt weigh this morning because I started my period and was angry about it and so I just left for work... debating weighing inbetween my two jobs today when i go home to shower.. tho I hate weighing in the middle of the day...

I have been uber stressed out lately and it shows.. I feel like I look worn down... I have 5 days till a big photo shoot and I really just want to stay at this 116 weight.. or better if i can get to 115 by sunday fabulous.....

of corse in order for that to happen I would literally have to eat like nothing for the next 5 days..which I couldnt possibly pull off considering today I have had a tiny half a turkey sandwhich on one small piece of homemade bread...gotta work tonight so wont be eating then...work all day tmrw and thursday work friday morning and saturday morning...idk its possible ...lets see if I can live off diet coke and water for the next 5 days...

what sucks is even down in weight i feel my body just looks f'ed up... its so idk not right... lumps and curves where they shouldnt be I have like this dreaded underwear crease right below my pelvic bone before my giant hips...even if i dont wear underwear its still there...disgusting i hate it i feel like a weird alien.. no matter what i do im just never right...

ok so challenge for the week set....little to no food....hopefully none at all...till sunday...

more to come...

not much time at work today to post... so on that note... I didnt weigh today....

I need to eat as little as possible this week in prep for a big Shoot I have coming...

weekend update coming tomorrow..

sorry dolls

more to come tmrw...

let it be done

Can we just go ahead and skip through the weekend...

I just want it to be over....

i want to be able to sleep....

I dont want to be sick....

I want the scale to be lower....

torture

Im an epic failure to start off with..... I seriously feel like i never do anything right and as a result my life punishes me by making me fat and sick and crazy....

so yesterday was shit the day befroe also shit... I have been sick for the past couple days and its getting worse...not to mention my purging doesnt help... the soreness in my muscles is getting better but I have this wicked dry cough that is causing me to have a tight dull pain in my chest... also my eyes hurt...moving them back and forth causes so much soreness...which i know is most likely from purging...

tho that didnt stop me...

I weighed in at 119.0 this morning and felt like shit.. I keep going up and down now between 117 and 119... so the thought of well im not eating today was the goal..well around 12:30 when I ended up eating a lettuce and cheese wrap I felt awful about it and of corse purged it...FUCK

I dont want to purge and I know how bad it is for my body and teeth and everything.... but I cant stop myself...if I could just never put anything in my mouth i would never purge....i just need to break the cycle....

my insomnia is not getting better I wake at least 2 times a night and takes me about 30-40 mins to fall asleep... Im never rested in the morning...I know everything combined is making me feel so shitting the sore muscles ect.... Im trying to drink fluids cause I know im getting dehydrated and I dont want to end up in the hospital cause I dont want them to get suspicious as to why i have been in more then once for dehydration....

Im always working which is really hard to do when Im not sleeping well...tmrw I work both jobs I will be up at 7:30 work from 8:30-1:30 at one job and then 4:30-2am at the other....I know im gonna be exhausted....

plan for the rest of the day is to down a ton of water when i get home and then try and go to sleep for a bit...hopefully this keeps me from eating anything else and helps me catch up on some sleep...

....this is torture....

whats happening to me

so no weigh in today...woke up totally laate... like woke up at the time im supposed to arrive at work :(

and yes this is due to being drunk the night before..sigh... I know...its hard to not do it..its like an outlet for me.. plus i went to dinner with the hubs and that gave me anxiety so drinking became the solution...

neway aside from that I feel like hell but not because of a hangover...idk whats going on but for the past two days my entire body is sore... and no i havent been working out... like sore to the point I feel like i just got done with a full body work out...arms legs butt everything hurts and idk why..

I havent ate today cause I just plain havent felt like it... drinking alot of gatorade ...

hoping to have a low number or at least same number as yesterday tmrw if i continue not to eat today... if I could drop a pound by the weekend that would be nice...we will see

weekend post

so things have been up and down. ...friday weight was at 119.4...better then back in the twenties.. i had a rough couple of days of up and down food. eat dont eat.. working... my insomnia is coming back...due to all the work and stress i assume...yesterday i was down to 117.6 closer...

upside i wore a pair of pants i bought and never wore cause i had got to fat for them...yesterday they fit..proud! tho they are a 5 im still happy they finally fit...

depression and anxiety are slowly creeping back into my life and  i find myself having alot of anxiety over everything. work is busy...i work all the time and its crazy i feel like i never do anything anymore..

but i guess the busier i am the less i eat...tho the worse my insomnia and brain gets...

theres really no winning..

just plain down

I feel so low lately and it sucks....

I fail at everything and i hate it....

i had a major bad day yesterday just kept eating small amoutns of things then throwing them up.. drank again... not alot but still...

todays weight was down to 117.4 better then yesterday but i know it water weight from the purging...

working alot today havent ate much which is good....

just trying to make it through the day...

fuck water weight!

fuck this shit for real.... so apparently i am just loosing and gaining water weight and am guessing that im now retaining...

weigh in today back up to 119.4 ...wtf... I wanna scream...

im already soo over this week.. yesterday was just a bad day in general because of some stuff that happened and then i worked all day... Im still upset about some things that happened yesterday which is not helping me stay focused at all...

pretty much i want to just go home and go to sleep after work... whats the point cause as of right now i have nothing to look forward too..

im hoping with work and everything this weekend i can drop down maybe just a little...

uhg....im trying to not let this get to me and im failing ...badly

no longer trusting my eyes...they play tricks

So its been the weekend, so obvi didnt post... not having internet at home sucks!!

things have strangly been going ok.. I mean I feel like a fat ass shit bag of corse... but Im loosing or think i am...idk anymore cause the scal says yes.. but I look and feel disgusting...

Today my stomach looks not as flat and i just feel like a million pounds, however the quick jump on the scale this morning revealed the number 116.0 ....shocked is an understatment...I was late for work so I couldnt do my usual step on and off like 5 times, move and reset the scale on different areas of the floor to confirm the weight, yesterday I was 117.4....I purged alot, which i find soo awful considering I have never been a binge person....I have never just ate and ate till i couldnt...but i purge anything that goes in my mouth.... and got drunk again last night which made me sick.
idk why I keep doing this to myself I live off booze basically...

I think Im gonna try and take a break from the liquor... its hard when it is my release...

if the scale is right which we will find out tmrw I suppose.. that means I am 1lb away from my first goal of 115... and 6lbs away from my goal of 110...

lets hope i can keep this up without ppl noticing...

bumbed

my plans never seem to work out ...it really upsets me when i plan things and then I have to cancle because something didnt go the way it should...

Im feeling a little low today not to mention I am hungover... like mad crazy hung over...i havent been so hung over in a long time... head ache got sick like three times this morning...thats what i get i guess...

so I didnt weigh today...no time woke up late cause of the hangover and had to rush to work..plus i ate like a cow yesterday and feel disgusted about it... I feel a nap coming on after I get off which is in like an hr and a half...thank god.

dispite throwing up last night and alot this morning i feel fat today :( Im supposed to go out with some friends from my other job tonight but idk if that will end up working out either... the hubby usually works tonight which is why i planned it but now he isnt so idk i guess i always feel bad when i know he is at the hosue alone and Im out.

idk im tempted to weigh after work.. but i have drank alot of water sense being awake and i dread that the number will be up...

trying to stay focused...I cant afford to get off track... not this time

Holiday post

Wow so I have been MIA for like the past 2 weeks... I havent been working one of my jobs so I havent had internet access... so I guess its time for a holiday update post to get all caught up on the ups and downs of the past few weeks..

so first off 3 days before christmas eve I ended up in the hospital...no fun. I was down to 120 i believe the last time I posted... i started getting extremely sick couldnt hold anything down not even a few sips of water... it was bad.. the hubby took me to the ER at 2:30 in the morning and I was severly dehydrated and had some bad virus going on... they decided to admit me and I ended up spending 2 days in the hospital. they wouldnt let me eat (which was fine) and I went through like 5 IV bags of fluids... the depressing part was when i got home i was retaining sooo much water from having the iv that my weight was 126.... I was sooo upset...

christmas day I was still not feeling 100% and my weight had dropped back down to 122. there was a whole lot of traveling around for the holidays and was a bit stressful... me and the hubby are poor and couldnt afford gifts for ppl so it made us feel bad... we got stuck driving home in a terrible snow storm.

Ive been working alot at my other job and making decent money there. I pretty much have been trying not to get back into the haabit of  taking a ton of laxs.. but its really hard for me not to...I have still been purging alot which i know is bad... but i need it out one way or another :/

on a positive note today is the third day in a row that I weighed in at 118.6!!! it feels sooo good to be under 120.. i just gotta keep it that way...new yrs eve was the first day i weighed and came up 118.6.. looks like maybe this yr is gonna start off right ;) Im hoping to get back to 115 by the end of jan. just basically gonna keep up what I have been doing which is rarely eating.. drinking water...purging when i do eat alot...once i get back down to where i want to be maybe then i will start to eat a more healthy diet.. but im not even gonna think about that till i weigh what i want...

slowly but surely... 2013 is my yr.. im finaly gonna get down to my goal weight....just gotta keep it up..

hppy new yr to everyone reading.. i hope this yr is the yr for us all