Im an epic failure to start off with..... I seriously feel like i never do anything right and as a result my life punishes me by making me fat and sick and crazy....
so yesterday was shit the day befroe also shit... I have been sick for the past couple days and its getting worse...not to mention my purging doesnt help... the soreness in my muscles is getting better but I have this wicked dry cough that is causing me to have a tight dull pain in my chest... also my eyes hurt...moving them back and forth causes so much soreness...which i know is most likely from purging...
tho that didnt stop me...
I weighed in at 119.0 this morning and felt like shit.. I keep going up and down now between 117 and 119... so the thought of well im not eating today was the goal..well around 12:30 when I ended up eating a lettuce and cheese wrap I felt awful about it and of corse purged it...FUCK
I dont want to purge and I know how bad it is for my body and teeth and everything.... but I cant stop myself...if I could just never put anything in my mouth i would never purge....i just need to break the cycle....
my insomnia is not getting better I wake at least 2 times a night and takes me about 30-40 mins to fall asleep... Im never rested in the morning...I know everything combined is making me feel so shitting the sore muscles ect.... Im trying to drink fluids cause I know im getting dehydrated and I dont want to end up in the hospital cause I dont want them to get suspicious as to why i have been in more then once for dehydration....
Im always working which is really hard to do when Im not sleeping well...tmrw I work both jobs I will be up at 7:30 work from 8:30-1:30 at one job and then 4:30-2am at the other....I know im gonna be exhausted....
plan for the rest of the day is to down a ton of water when i get home and then try and go to sleep for a bit...hopefully this keeps me from eating anything else and helps me catch up on some sleep...
....this is torture....
those are some crazy hours! I think your body is just plain old worn out. Being sick and not eating right and all the work is just wearing on you. try to take care of yourself! you need to feel better so you can function better. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Miranda. Your body just sounds worn out, like it can't take much more. You're working so much. And we all know the purging takes so much out of us. I wish you felt better sweetie.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
This is not okay you need to eat with the way your going you can end up dead you not fat i repeat you're not fat your properly to skinny honestly you need to fight back this is not a lifestyle this is a mental illness its the most deadly mental illnes 25% of people die from this deidsses you need to come clean to your loved ones and get some help this is not okay your going to die this environment is so toxic it should be ileggail and in fact is in a lot of countries so please don't do this to yourself your beafaful and you need to take care of yourself please relilese this you need to gain wegit your dieing people find being skinny just as bad as being fat this apelies to everyone this is a very sick website don't listens to what people say here its awful and everyone outside of this website knows this i have never had problems with eating but l know what's its like to be in that mindset and I have mental problems of my own i know it's hard to quiet bad habits but please listen to me your beatfal and your deserve better than this
ReplyDeleteThis is not okay you need to eat with the way your going you can end up dead you not fat i repeat you're not fat your properly to skinny honestly you need to fight back this is not a lifestyle this is a mental illness its the most deadly mental illnes 25% of people die from this deidsses you need to come clean to your loved ones and get some help this is not okay your going to die this environment is so toxic it should be ileggail and in fact is in a lot of countries so please don't do this to yourself your beafaful and you need to take care of yourself please relilese this you need to gain wegit your dieing people find being skinny just as bad as being fat this apelies to everyone this is a very sick website don't listens to what people say here its awful and everyone outside of this website knows this i have never had problems with eating but l know what's its like to be in that mindset and I have mental problems of my own i know it's hard to quiet bad habits but please listen to me your beatfal and your deserve better than this
ReplyDelete