drag me down

I hate myself....

I'm not doing well...my anxiety..depression....I just want to curl up and never move

I havent weighed in 3 days.. partially afraid....purging laxs and whatever else is back in full effect...

I hate how my body feels its disgusting, I cant even look at myself...


I've gotta loose weight and I gotta loose it now...

thinking of going and buying any diet pills I can get and just taking them all...


I'm sorry to everyone....

I've only been skiming blogs lately,...I just feel like comlete garbage....

I'm sorry....

.......

..Dreaming of a thigh gap... the one thing I envy the most on skinny woman.....I feel like I will never get that skinny.. i'm 117 and have thighs that rub and are disgusting.....I wish I would lose weight from my thighs and stomach the way I do off my arms and chest.. :(

I hate this... I'm so gross and fat...

no more...

I feel like a a cow!

I tried to eat normally the past two days thinking I could do it and eat a small amount and be ok.. but no.. I of corse went right back into taking a mass amount of laxs everytime I ate... I also went back into purgeing.. I was doing so well before.. of corse i also wasnt eating...so thats the solution... I have decided that the only way I can lose weight and not be on laxs is to just not eat at all.... if I eat a lil I cant stop.. I end up eating more then I want.... and taking the laxs I dont want to go back to that...i'm soo disapointed and disgusted with myself...

I have refrained from cutting and have pushed the thought out of my head.. I have tho spent the last two or three nights binge drinking :( ... its what I do... as soon as I get into this funk I drink... and then get sick and feel awful... its horrible for my body I always wake up sick, sore and feeling awfule inside.

Tomorrow I am going full force back into the juice and water only... and nothing is going to stop me this time... I have not grovery shoped in two weeks and will continue to just not shop... the only things I have bought is milk and lunch meat (for my husbands lunches everyday) if theres not food for me to eat then I wont eat... my husband eats whatever so I just have been making whatever we have and thats fine with him ..... he also is aware I'm going back to the juiceing since I couldnt last the full 30 days...

I'm going to try and do it for the next 3 weeks straight.. I have an event in which I have to wear a bikini all day and right now the thought of me being in a bikini in front of others makes me want to cry.....

my body is a nightmare to me right now... I hate it.. it jiggles.. my thighs are disgusting and flabby....

someone just lock me away now....

FML

Fail... so this weekend was rough and draining and exhausting... I had a shoot friday which went well and then a fashion show sunday which was tiring... I ended up going off my juice fast, which has inturn made me feel like an epic failure on all counts... I also gained and so I'm back to 117...this is not what I wanted.. I feel huge I feel like a loser...
I have been craving ciggs for the last couple of days and have been debating buying a pack to help kill my appitite again...

I'm just gonna go...starting the juice fast over tmrw....jut gonna keep trying till i get there

I feel so disgusting and huge....FML I hate myself...

static

Day 12 Juice Fast

.....115.6......fml I dont understand how my body hates me so much.... this is the third day I have weighed the same and today I technically gained .2lbs.....yes I know its not alot but to me it is specially when I have been working so hard at the juice fast and working out....
What also sucks is that the book I'm following has a day to day journal of the authors last juice diet and by day 12 she was already down to 112.5... and she started at 127!! thats 4lbs more then when I started.

I'm getting irritated not to mention depressed and just ...bad... my anxiety is not going well... I worked out once today doing some crunches and leg lifts, plan on doing more after walking the dog later....my obbsesive working out is creeping back in on me
I'm just getting fed up with my stupid body..well I have news for it, I am not going to start transitioning back out of the juice fast untill I'm 107....thats it... I seriously dont care anymore... I have untill may 30th.. thats the day I am supposed to start eating fruit again. If I havent hit 107 by then I'm not going to eat. I'll just continue juiceing untill I hit it....

I am trying to not get to fed up cause before the fasting I had thoughts of cutting... which I never was a big cutter but did it a few times when I worked at a crazy stressful job... and I dont want to go back there...so I'm trying to keep my stress and anxiety down so the thoughts dont creep back in...

I seriously hate fat... I hate my body.... I sometimes wish I lived alone and didnt have to have any food in the house ever....

pause.. stay calm...

Day 11 juice fast

So yesterday ended fin I started a new work out plan to help along my fasting. it went well.. theres a different set of ruetine for each day that you follow. I'm gonna try it for a solid two weeks and see if i notice anything.

This morning was a little bit of a let down as I weighed the same 115.4...I'm hoping i'm not stuck and its just a result of me working out. I'm stick to it i have 20 days left of the juice fast if I go the whole 30 days (which I am) which is 15 days more of just juice before I tranistion back out and add solid fruits and veggies back...

I am really hopeing this works and I can finally get under 110... it would be a dream seriously....

today I'm just in a mood.. feeling sluggish and tired...no energy really...no doubt from the lack of food and calories, on average I've been consuming somwere around 250-300 cals a day of just liquid.. I havent had a diet soda in 11 days and no other caffienated beverage... but in a way It feels soo good...

I just want my body to show the weight lose... I'm starting to think that no matter what i weigh I'm always going to look like a chubby short girl.... theres literally no differences in my measurements dispite the lose of weight.... which just makes me feel...well... fat..

I hate not being happy with how i look but I just cant help it.. my body doesnt look the way it should I know girls who are 115 who wear size 3 pants... i wear a 5/7.....

I feel like I can never win no matter what...

Its gotta be a dream

Day 10 Juice fast

So yesterday went great stuck with my juice fast drinking vegetable juice in the morning (60 cals) and 2 cups of berry juice in the evening for dinner (280 cals) leaving my totally cals for the day at only 340!
after work I got home and weighed myself..normally I dont weight in the middle of the day but due to my over lax use on mothers day I was curious to see if I had droped during the day... low and behold I DID! 117.6 back down to what I weight before the dinner on mothers day! was excited

No this morning I woke up late and had to skip out on my morning lemon water drink and just made tea. went to the bathroom and weighed before having my tea..... 115.4...WHAT!! this has got to be a joke.... I steped back on 3 or 4 times same read reset the scale same read.... I was so excited I could have screamed!

I havent weight 115 since my wedding a yr and a half ago... no part of me is jumping for joy... the other part is thinking... wait this has got to be water weight not true weight from fat... look at you..

and that part is winning... I mean I am going to keep this going cause I'm getting results I just hope that soon they start to show on my body as well as the scale...

I'm 115 but i still fit the same pants and clothes just the same as I did before and I still have a poochy stomach and my legs are still jiggling and big... there arent any results in my measurements despite working out so its hard for me to think its real weight.

I'm not evening missing food that much either.... I gotta keep this fasting up.. and totally recomend it to others.. if you want the title of the book or info on it just shoot me a message!

Some Good ....Some bad

Today is technically day 8 of my juice fast. Tho I did have a slight set back yesterday... the weekend was hard but there was good parts to it...Friday i had a show and was there all day inbetween the two show they had amazing food.. I mean it smelled so heavanly and by that time I had not eating solid food since wed.  there was pizza... mac and cheese from a bbq joint... uhg it was soo hard i almost broke down a few time in tears...(I also started my period that morning) BUT I did not cave I didnt eat and though I was soo emotionally tired and sad by the end of the night from fighting the temptation all day i was sooo proud of myself.

Now for the bad part. by saturday I was down in weight to 117.6!!! sooo excited.. I had a glass of wine at my ladys night and a few carrots and celery. not bad... but then sundy which i had forgot was mothers day was worse... :( i mean its mothers day how can I deny my mom having dinner with her on her day! so that night ended in a purge after eating dinner and a handfull or two of laxs (I'm paying for that still)... I'm disapointed that I broke that fast but more disapointed that I purged and took laxs again after not having done it in a week...whats even worse is I had just started to get into that fasting period where I'm not even hungry... now I'm back to hunger panges..

So newho todays damage control is not to bad I was please to see 119.4 on the scale this morning... at least i didnt go back up to my start weight (123.8) so I'm back full force on my juice fast. today went back to my ruetine: Hot lemon water in the morning followed by a glass of detox tea. 1 cup vegetable juice for lunch (60 cals) alot of water and later I'll have a glass of some sort of juice and more tea.

Last week I lost a total of 6.2 lbs .... granted I gained back 1.8 of those lbs BUT if I can manage to loose the same amount of weight this week I will be down to 113.2 by sunday...

hopeing for the best and trying to stay positive its the only way I can get through this....

oo soo tired

Today is day 5 of the Juice fast and the first day with absolutly no solid foods.. juice, tea and water only.
So far its going well Had my morning cup of hot water and lemon followed by detox tea, and then 1c(8oz) of Vegetable juice for lunch (60 cals)  Morning weight 119.0 :) so happy to see the number go down AND to be back in the teens again! I have hope now for finally being able to reach my GW!

Other then being extreamly tired from a horrible nights sleep.. i toseed and turned due to being burnt from going tanning after not tanning for 2 months.. I feel pretty food.. I'm obviously still not please with how my body looks in the mirror and have a fear that my legs are gonna look saggy and fleshy if I loose more weight so I have made a point to walk and do leg exercises whenever possible to try and tone them!

I bought Yogi Green Tea Blueberry Slim Life, it has caffiene in it and is suposed to energise you and help with appitite when dieting so I'm hoping that it wakes me up a little.

I have an event tmrw and have already prepared myself to resist the food that will be a temptation. I am going to prepare a mug of tea to take with me and then also bring a bottle of Naked juice with me so that I have something to drink to fight my appitite.. also stocked up on sugar free gum to keep my mought busy... lets hope everything goes as planed.

Saturday will be a tough one as well.. the morning will be easy I have 2 shoots and then I have a Girls night planed for the evening at my house... this will be a challenge as I can not drink liquor while on the fast also I will have friends there and trying to make it not obvious that I'm not eating the snacks or having any drinks will be tough....

lets hope everything works out...

Last transition day

Today is day 4 and the last day of Transition for my 30 day juice fast. Which means tmrw is nothing but Herbal Teas, Water and of corse fresh made and organic juice. I'm really excited to have another excuse to just plan not eat! and since my husband is actually supporting this "detox" in hopes it will help me stop purging I dont have to worry when i'm at home with him!

Todays weight was 121.8 however I'm a liltte scepticle about it cause first weight was a retching 123 and then I went to the bathroom and the weight was 121.8... I'll take it though even if it was water or fecal weight it wont be coming back now that I am not going to be eating anymore solid foods... and as long as I keep up my water intake the way I have been i wont gain any water weight from dehydration.

So that means I have lost 2 lbs since day one, thats an average of .5lbs a day lost...wish it was more but I'm taking what I can get... I'm hoping I can keep up this weight lose of a half a pound a day or even better lose more...

I'm nervous about the weekend its going to be hard but I also have things planed to keep me busy.. but I'm also nervous because I have some friends coming over saturday and one of them is my friend M2 (we will call her) she also has issues with ED and though she weighs more then me she is also a good 3 inches taller and carries her weight in my opinion way better... her legs are soo much slimmer then mine. I know she is gonna look great and I'm nervous she has lost since I saw her last (based on how shes been talking about her food intake) and I just dont wanna get in a jealous mood or feel like shit... of corse when dont I feel like shit about myself...

newho wish me luck that I survive the weekend without going into a depressive state :(

Day 3 of transition

Transition day 3

So today is the third day of my transition into my juice fast.... yesterday went well tho I consumed more cals then the day before because I had a cup of peas for dinner (220 cals).. damn peas have way more cals then asparagus.
However with the decent day of transition I was hoping once again to have droped some water weight seeing as i have been drinking like 2 large jugs of water a day plus detox tea which means I pee soooo much durring the day.
alas.. steped on the scale and was 123.0 .... thats only a .8 difference from the day before... WTF this sucks! I swear some weight better start falling off soon... the author of my book that I'm following for this 30 day fast was down 2 lbs on her third day... this sucks

I'm feeling soo discouraged and on top of everythign I feel like a damn cow! I hate seeing that number and am soo disapointed in my self that I even let myself get back past 120....shame...

I'm running errands after work today, taking my dog for a walk and then gonna obsessivly do calithetics untill my hubby gets home...

I've already had somewhere around 360 cals today... plus did crunches and butt lifts which burned about 78 cals...so my net is like 282 cals...

still I'm gonna try and eat little to nothing else today and go to bed early...

tmrws the last transition day which I'm actually happy about...for some reason when I'm following plans like this its easier for me to eat nothing at all then say I can eat a little... a little always ends up being more then it should be, to me at least..

hopeing for a lower number tmrw...

A new begining... or lets hope so

Transition daySo yesterday started my 30 day juice fast. I'm glad it started cause the past week has been trecherous with my hubs bday, sadly i broke my no purging and on saturday I was planning on taking my hubby to dinner. well his sis also came up for lunch and so we went out for lunch too.. I kept in the lunch but dinner was just to much and I ended up purging when we got home :(. sadly the week of bday food has made me gain and at the start of my juice fast I am disgusted to weight 123.8... just gross...

Also I had to make a new email b/c my old one got hacked into to much and to much spam and on my blog I switched the email address in settings but I am still getting my blog notifications in the old email...does anyone know how to fix that?

So yesterday went well... it was hard...According to my book the first 4 days are transition days.. I am aloud to have veggies and fruit but very little of anything else...

Woke up drank a glass of room temp water with half a lemon.
Breakfest: Yogi Detox tea
cleaned the kitchen
1:00-lunch:1 cup of soy milk (100 cals) and 5 strawberries (25 cals)
took my cousin home (who had been sleeping untill 2 on my couch)
6:30-Dinner: I made my husband Shrimp alfredo, biscuits and Asparagus. I had 2/3 cup of asparagus cuts (40 cals) and a 1/2 cup fresh cut pinapple (40 cals)
Dry Brushed, showered and 1 cup detox tea before bed

I made sure to make a meal that was apeasing to me since I hate sea food that way it would be easier to just eat veggies.

Unfortunatly late at night around 10:00 I was soo hungry I decided to have a few crackers (30 cals)
Now this isnt horrible since the first 4 days I am aloud solid foods I was just disapointed in myself that I couldnt stick to the veggies and fruit more..

neway my cals ended up being 269 cals for the whole day.. not bad and the least amount of cals I have consumed in a while!
Sadly I was the same weight this morning which was discouraging.. the amount I peed yesterday from the Tea and all the water I consumed I thought I'd at least be down a pound of water weight.

So far today is going well except I have already had some crackers at work. :/ that will be it for carbs for the day...
I will post tmrw on how the day ends up. I have  2 more days after today of transition before I go full into the juice diet and am aloud nothing but fresh made juice and organic juice.

lets hope I get some results on the scal tmrw to keep me motivated...

2.5

alright 2.5 more days and I begin this juice fast! I can not wait! I need to start it asap but because of hubs bday I have to wait...I'm gonna be following this book word for word doing exactly what the author does... she lost 28lbs in 30 days taking her from 127 to 98! which sadily because of the mass amount of binging I've been doing this week with the hubby and all the water weight I'm probably right around 127... shamful....

I hate being and feeling this way i want to hide i dont want anyone to see my body....its starting to get soo nice outside and here i am still wearing sweat pants and a sweater :(

this 30day juice fast is going to be the best thing that has ever happend to me... I have my hubbies supoort and watchful eye to make sure i stay on track, going to be doing daily walks with my dog and my usualy work outs.

my ultimate goal for this fast is to stop laxs, stop purging (going on 2 days no purge), lose weight and hit UGW, and to shrink my stomach so after the fast it will be easier for me to keep restricting and eat as little as possible!

Sunday could not come soon enough!!

*I have to weigh everday and will be writing in this blog about my everyday stuff to help me keep track

desperate and ready to change no matter what!

I dont even remember the last time i wrote... friday?.... newho the weekend horrible like always I am up to 121...FML BUT...things will be changing!

i am doing a 30 day Juice fast....bought a book was totally inspired and am now am all on bored for it!

I even told my hubby I was going to do it and asked for his support!! He said he would! I was estatic... now you also have to kow that yes I am doing this fast to lose weight (duh) but told him that I really wanted to detox and thought a 30 day juice fast would help me kick the laxitive (which I really need to stop tking) and will help me to stop purging again.

He of corse doesnt want me doing that stuff and I think is why he is agree to help me.

But i am more then excited to have him know and suport me so that I will stick to it... if he knows I really wanna do this for real then he will help keep me from cheating..

i'm starting the Juice fast on sunday ( the reason for this is because my hubbys bday is Saturday and I do want to go out to dinner with him and not worry about it.....

I can not wait till sunday!!!

other then that and being a pig the last few days... I dont even wanna disscuss how i look. I dont have much more to say..

hope all is well and let me know if you wanna Juice diet with me I can message you details, guides ect from the book :)