so I will be leaving my day job starting Tuesday which means I wont have internet and will probably not be posting as much...Ive been bad about posting anyways just cause of being busy.. but neway.. the weight has been just as up, down as usual... I was at 123.8... then have been staying up and not sleeping much.. got sick from lack of sleep and exhaustion Tuesday night...wed I woke up weighing 119.6 not bad but spent the day drinking a lot of water and had soup.. at the end of the day I was 121... I didn't eat much yesterday about the same as Tuesday worked till 3:00 and had half a egg and cheese sandwich on the way home.. horrible I know but the smell of smoke and cigars from work had me so nauseous I had to get something on the way home.
I don't feel terribly fat today...Im assuming im somewhere around the same weight as yesterday... at least im hoping...my show opens next weekend and we are headed into tech week... im hoping that I can mainly sleep during the day (sense im no longer working) which will keep me from eating and then I'll have rehearsals every night this week....leaving room for one meal a day when I pick up my hubs for rehearsal...lets hope... I would love to be near 115 for opening night.. but knowing my body that's unrealistic... I would even take 118 at this point...
Im gonna start working out too now that I have more day time...its starting to get cold out which sucks cause that means I have to do indoor workouts ...i'll take what I can get...still trying to mainly eat vegetables and fruit limited carbs...
I have a lunch date with an old friend which is good and bad...we are both vegetarians so ordering something smaller and just with vegetables wont be weird.. however she chose for us to eat at a known Chinese place...which I know how much oils and such they use in their food...im terrified.. asking to cook things without butter or oil will seem strange and weird to do infront of her....
yikes..pray for me
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
over and over
sorry I suck
I do the same shit repeatedly... IDK why I cant seem to just be ther way I used too... I so miss and wish for those college days when I could so easily skip meals and go to the gym (for free) and workout two to three times a day...
Back then I easily maintained a 115 weight... drinking mainly vitamin water and Energy Drinks and going to the gym to workout on the elliptical for 60 mins at least twice a day..
no I cant maintain any weight its up down all the time and right now I can feel how fat I am... IDK my exact weight but I can easily tell its probably 125 or 126 (lord hopes its not higher) I eat very little through out the day but because I work such late hours (usually not getting home till 3:30am) I end up eating crazy late and then going to bed which is not ok... I still work two jobs and am in a musical right now so I never have time to workout.
my clothes are tight and I can visibly see that my stomach is bigger.. its disgusting ...
yesterday I did fine at first.. I ended up not eating till like 4:00 ....measured everything which included
141g of cottage cheese- 100 cal
85g lettuce- 10 cal
28g shredded cheese- 110 cal
30ml light Italian dressing- 35 cal
144g calafornia blend veggies- 51 cal
21g strawberries- 8 cal
total calories= 314
I then went to rehearsal drank a diet soda while I was there. after words my husband was hungry and so once we were home at like 11:45pm I started making a vegetarian pizza (not frozen) I really didn't want to eat the pizza but knew I would ...sauce, cheese, vegetarian sausage and tomatoes... I ended up eating three pieces while drinking...which has become a normal thing for me whenever I have to eat a big meal...I then of course regretted eating it and purged HARD...I threw up till I was just gagging...this morning I have broken blood vessels on my eye lids and around my eyes...
WHY? why do I do this shit over and over gain loose gain loose I hate it but I cant just be ok with this weight.. im 5'4 and feel at 125 or higher I look like a complete blimp.. im chubby and round.. I can even see it in my face..
so I'm really tired today from being up till 2 and purging has left me a little sore in my back... I work all day and then again tonight...Ive started making rules in my head ( having to measure everything before eating to get exact cal counts, no eating unless Im at my own house, no sweets, ect).. which is bad but I just I cant stand the thought of opening this show and looking this way...I have about 3 weeks till the show opens and I would like to be 115 by then.. ill try my hardest
if I can just resist the urge to eat shit like last night I might be able to loose considering the whole rest of the day I only consumed 314 calories...
I hate my body... I hate myself right now...I just want to be able to sleep normal hours and to have time to work out.. I know working out would help...hopefully my day job ends soon and I can begin working out again.
sorry for my crazy rants.. I know a lot of the time its the same thing over and over again... Im just struggling so bad with this lately along with the stress of two full time jobs and other life issues...right now I just focus on the weight issues well because I just cant deal with the others yet...
sorry...
I do the same shit repeatedly... IDK why I cant seem to just be ther way I used too... I so miss and wish for those college days when I could so easily skip meals and go to the gym (for free) and workout two to three times a day...
Back then I easily maintained a 115 weight... drinking mainly vitamin water and Energy Drinks and going to the gym to workout on the elliptical for 60 mins at least twice a day..
no I cant maintain any weight its up down all the time and right now I can feel how fat I am... IDK my exact weight but I can easily tell its probably 125 or 126 (lord hopes its not higher) I eat very little through out the day but because I work such late hours (usually not getting home till 3:30am) I end up eating crazy late and then going to bed which is not ok... I still work two jobs and am in a musical right now so I never have time to workout.
my clothes are tight and I can visibly see that my stomach is bigger.. its disgusting ...
yesterday I did fine at first.. I ended up not eating till like 4:00 ....measured everything which included
141g of cottage cheese- 100 cal
85g lettuce- 10 cal
28g shredded cheese- 110 cal
30ml light Italian dressing- 35 cal
144g calafornia blend veggies- 51 cal
21g strawberries- 8 cal
total calories= 314
I then went to rehearsal drank a diet soda while I was there. after words my husband was hungry and so once we were home at like 11:45pm I started making a vegetarian pizza (not frozen) I really didn't want to eat the pizza but knew I would ...sauce, cheese, vegetarian sausage and tomatoes... I ended up eating three pieces while drinking...which has become a normal thing for me whenever I have to eat a big meal...I then of course regretted eating it and purged HARD...I threw up till I was just gagging...this morning I have broken blood vessels on my eye lids and around my eyes...
WHY? why do I do this shit over and over gain loose gain loose I hate it but I cant just be ok with this weight.. im 5'4 and feel at 125 or higher I look like a complete blimp.. im chubby and round.. I can even see it in my face..
so I'm really tired today from being up till 2 and purging has left me a little sore in my back... I work all day and then again tonight...Ive started making rules in my head ( having to measure everything before eating to get exact cal counts, no eating unless Im at my own house, no sweets, ect).. which is bad but I just I cant stand the thought of opening this show and looking this way...I have about 3 weeks till the show opens and I would like to be 115 by then.. ill try my hardest
if I can just resist the urge to eat shit like last night I might be able to loose considering the whole rest of the day I only consumed 314 calories...
I hate my body... I hate myself right now...I just want to be able to sleep normal hours and to have time to work out.. I know working out would help...hopefully my day job ends soon and I can begin working out again.
sorry for my crazy rants.. I know a lot of the time its the same thing over and over again... Im just struggling so bad with this lately along with the stress of two full time jobs and other life issues...right now I just focus on the weight issues well because I just cant deal with the others yet...
sorry...
Monday, September 30, 2013
I don't have much to say... been busy trying to fix life... last time I weighed which I think was sunday morning...I was 121...gotta keep loosing ...although I may be up considering that I had to eat at an event yesterday then proceeded to eat fast food while drinking last night... I of course purged it all up after eating it.. but that never helps I still feel disgusting and fat from eating it in the first place....
sigh anyway back on track today.. working all day and night so no room for food...
sticking with just water and a zero calorie energy drink
sigh anyway back on track today.. working all day and night so no room for food...
sticking with just water and a zero calorie energy drink
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
it will come
...next on the shopping list... a kitchen scale.... I need a precise way of measuring my food....
I'm gonna try and not weigh in for a while... to try and keep from obsessing over the up and down...
slowly but surely... I'll probably weigh in Sunday before my show...I'm praying with the lack of cals and food I'll be down... lord I hope so..
Soda is so bloating ... but I'm thinking I need to go back to drinking more diet coke to keep me full and appetite down....
still at it with the two jobs plus rehearsals... somethings went down with lets say a friend that has made me very stressed and sad......so that's been hard to deal with.
Soon I'll be only working one job and spending the rest of the time finding auditions and paid gigs and modeling jobs....working nights will mean I'm up till 3:30 and with no morning job I can just sleep past breakfast and then workout and start my day....
I have 2 and a half months till my bday...i'm getting old and I hate that..but at least if I cant stop time I'll be thin....got a long way to go but determined to be at my UGW by then
I'm gonna try and not weigh in for a while... to try and keep from obsessing over the up and down...
slowly but surely... I'll probably weigh in Sunday before my show...I'm praying with the lack of cals and food I'll be down... lord I hope so..
Soda is so bloating ... but I'm thinking I need to go back to drinking more diet coke to keep me full and appetite down....
still at it with the two jobs plus rehearsals... somethings went down with lets say a friend that has made me very stressed and sad......so that's been hard to deal with.
Soon I'll be only working one job and spending the rest of the time finding auditions and paid gigs and modeling jobs....working nights will mean I'm up till 3:30 and with no morning job I can just sleep past breakfast and then workout and start my day....
I have 2 and a half months till my bday...i'm getting old and I hate that..but at least if I cant stop time I'll be thin....got a long way to go but determined to be at my UGW by then
Thursday, September 19, 2013
starting over
uhg so yesterday I just got absolutely fed up and bindged and then took a ton of Lax... uhg so I have decided to do a strict eating plan...getting back to the nitty gritty....
no more of this well as long as I don't eat a lot I can eat whatever I want.. no more...no more junk...fats.. sweets...fuck that shit Im over it
So its pretty harsh but I have been inspired by books Ive been reading...go on my Kindle and you will notice a severe theme to my books... all books about E.D's of memoirs or biographies about ppl with them...
right now I am reading Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi (ellen degeneres' wife) so far its really good.
newho so the eating plan will go somewhat like this...
400 Calories a day
only 160 cals are to be carbs or protein
the other 240 have to be fruits, vegetables or nuts
Everything will be measured before consumed and documented in my phone journal
if needed one Diet cola or zero cal- zero sugar energy drink can be had a day
Hot tea with no sweetner or honey is aloud
drink as much water as possible
I am currently still working like nuts two jobs plus practice for the show. so I have no time to work out and only sleep between 3:30am and 7:30am I am resigning from my day job and as soon as they find a replacement I will be done... so as soon as my days are free I plan to workout every morning as well ass get back to auditioning and modeling... I miss it but am far to fat to get any gigs right now
So this all starts today... its 11:00 and Ive had water and 2 green grapes (6.8 cals)
Im hungry and I don't care..
take me over...im giving into that voice...allowing it to take over. Obeying its banter
no more of this well as long as I don't eat a lot I can eat whatever I want.. no more...no more junk...fats.. sweets...fuck that shit Im over it
So its pretty harsh but I have been inspired by books Ive been reading...go on my Kindle and you will notice a severe theme to my books... all books about E.D's of memoirs or biographies about ppl with them...
right now I am reading Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi (ellen degeneres' wife) so far its really good.
newho so the eating plan will go somewhat like this...
400 Calories a day
only 160 cals are to be carbs or protein
the other 240 have to be fruits, vegetables or nuts
Everything will be measured before consumed and documented in my phone journal
if needed one Diet cola or zero cal- zero sugar energy drink can be had a day
Hot tea with no sweetner or honey is aloud
drink as much water as possible
I am currently still working like nuts two jobs plus practice for the show. so I have no time to work out and only sleep between 3:30am and 7:30am I am resigning from my day job and as soon as they find a replacement I will be done... so as soon as my days are free I plan to workout every morning as well ass get back to auditioning and modeling... I miss it but am far to fat to get any gigs right now
So this all starts today... its 11:00 and Ive had water and 2 green grapes (6.8 cals)
Im hungry and I don't care..
take me over...im giving into that voice...allowing it to take over. Obeying its banter
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I officially hate my life.... I suck at it and I hate it and want to crawl in a hole....don't know my weight, last time I weighed a disgusting 123...wtf is wrong with my damn body its 119 one min the next 123...
kill me NOW!!
I just want to not eat..ever..take pills that make me sick so I wont want food...just never have to put another morsel of food past my lips...
please just let me be...
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Hitting a breaking point
yesterday I was at 119.8 ..which isn't bad... tho I ended up eating pizza and ice cream and idk what my weight is at this morning as I feel like shit every morning so I rarely have time to weigh in the morning.
I am working so much idk how much more my body can handle it.. I wake up feeling hungover even if I didn't drink a lick of booze the night before... I know im not getting enough sleep and with the amount of energy im exerting during the day working two jobs, its making me crazy
Im sore ...Im rarely actually hungry and usually eat on the random nights I have off with the hubs because he does... other then that its like a bite of food here or a cracker there.. and a shit ton of energy drinks and diet soda to give me enough energy to make it through work...
Im still determined tho... I have about 2 months .....im gonna be 112 ....fuck sleep, fuck food, fuck this stupid broken body and mind...
the number is all that matters....ill live for that day...
I am working so much idk how much more my body can handle it.. I wake up feeling hungover even if I didn't drink a lick of booze the night before... I know im not getting enough sleep and with the amount of energy im exerting during the day working two jobs, its making me crazy
Im sore ...Im rarely actually hungry and usually eat on the random nights I have off with the hubs because he does... other then that its like a bite of food here or a cracker there.. and a shit ton of energy drinks and diet soda to give me enough energy to make it through work...
Im still determined tho... I have about 2 months .....im gonna be 112 ....fuck sleep, fuck food, fuck this stupid broken body and mind...
the number is all that matters....ill live for that day...
Monday, September 9, 2013
vicious cycle
I feel like I am over and over again purposely messing up... not with my E.D. but with life...
so many things I care not to discuss...but I just keep on doing the same things ... even tho I know they are wrong or not good its like a compulsion I cant help but keep doing it....even if it means ruining my life...
WTF is wrong with me....
I weighed a few days ago at 121.8... fat ass
I need to just stop this nonsense, I work so much and tho I don't eat a whole lot I have been basically fueling myself with energy drinks.... literally... the past two days I have had 2 16oz energy drinks and 2 8oz red bulls at work... I go to sleep between 3:30am and 4am most nights because Im at work till 3am....
I honestly wish I could just never eat.. I need to work out tho working two full time jobs right now has me soo exhausted any time im not working that I cant move enough to do any workouts...
I have about 3 months till my birthday and my goal is to be down to 112 by then... so right now my first goal is to be 115 by the end of oct.
I have to do this ....I am just realizing how much happier I am when the only thing I focus on is my weight.... when the food and weight and pounds and scales are all I think about then I cant get into trouble with other parts of my life....
so that's it... my main focus is weight lose and work... nothing else
so many things I care not to discuss...but I just keep on doing the same things ... even tho I know they are wrong or not good its like a compulsion I cant help but keep doing it....even if it means ruining my life...
WTF is wrong with me....
I weighed a few days ago at 121.8... fat ass
I need to just stop this nonsense, I work so much and tho I don't eat a whole lot I have been basically fueling myself with energy drinks.... literally... the past two days I have had 2 16oz energy drinks and 2 8oz red bulls at work... I go to sleep between 3:30am and 4am most nights because Im at work till 3am....
I honestly wish I could just never eat.. I need to work out tho working two full time jobs right now has me soo exhausted any time im not working that I cant move enough to do any workouts...
I have about 3 months till my birthday and my goal is to be down to 112 by then... so right now my first goal is to be 115 by the end of oct.
I have to do this ....I am just realizing how much happier I am when the only thing I focus on is my weight.... when the food and weight and pounds and scales are all I think about then I cant get into trouble with other parts of my life....
so that's it... my main focus is weight lose and work... nothing else
Thursday, September 5, 2013
tired
Havent weighed in a few days but I feel absolutely huge....
I am working and not eating much but when I do eat I feel its the worst stuff I could eat.........................
im gonna try and limit my eating to mainly liquid type foods.. which with all my work and rehearsals is possible....
hoping to at least be the same tmrw morning...
feeling like a binge drinking night is upon me... and its onlt 10:30am :/
I am working and not eating much but when I do eat I feel its the worst stuff I could eat.........................
im gonna try and limit my eating to mainly liquid type foods.. which with all my work and rehearsals is possible....
hoping to at least be the same tmrw morning...
feeling like a binge drinking night is upon me... and its onlt 10:30am :/
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
work work work,,, save me
Well I know its been a while...
I was on vacation which ended up making me 4 lbs heavier...not bad...
Sence vacation I have literally been working non stop...yesterday was my first full day off in forever... Its a pretty good thing to be honest... with me working two full time jobs basically I never have time to eat a meal... yesterday wasn't great I ended up binging and purging on pizza all day but despite that I still managed to be back down to 119.8 this morning...
I am hoping that now that Im back to working 8:30-4:30 Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and 8:30-1:30 on Thursday and then working 5 nights a week 6:00-3:00am that I will finally be able to get back down to 115...I basically lived off energy drinks last week..which isn't great but at least the sugar free ones aren't as bad... we will see how long I can keep it up...
I am determind ....this time.... its gonna happen
I was on vacation which ended up making me 4 lbs heavier...not bad...
Sence vacation I have literally been working non stop...yesterday was my first full day off in forever... Its a pretty good thing to be honest... with me working two full time jobs basically I never have time to eat a meal... yesterday wasn't great I ended up binging and purging on pizza all day but despite that I still managed to be back down to 119.8 this morning...
I am hoping that now that Im back to working 8:30-4:30 Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and 8:30-1:30 on Thursday and then working 5 nights a week 6:00-3:00am that I will finally be able to get back down to 115...I basically lived off energy drinks last week..which isn't great but at least the sugar free ones aren't as bad... we will see how long I can keep it up...
I am determind ....this time.... its gonna happen
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
2 more days
2 more days till I leave for vacation... I magically some how managed to weigh 119 yesterday morning...not sure todays weight as I didn't have time to weigh before work...
if I can manage to stay at 119 before vacation that would be a whole lot better then where I was...
I have barely been eating which isn't good (but then isn't it?) I've also been purging anytime I eat a bigger meal...
at this point I have just given in and let the E.D. take over for now...I am so stressed and down lately that I just gave up ...and right now im ok with that.
hoping for the best for everyone...
if I can manage to stay at 119 before vacation that would be a whole lot better then where I was...
I have barely been eating which isn't good (but then isn't it?) I've also been purging anytime I eat a bigger meal...
at this point I have just given in and let the E.D. take over for now...I am so stressed and down lately that I just gave up ...and right now im ok with that.
hoping for the best for everyone...
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Complete fuck up
uhg so I was doing well with this dandelion detox thing managed to get down to 120.2 ...well then I of course go and fuck it up by drinking a shit ton last night and ended up eating salad and pizza.. WTF is wrong with me.... I fully intended on throwing up the pizza after eating it... except literally right as I got done eating my friend showed up...givin that no one I work with knows about my eating issues I couldn't go into the bathroom and ralph...
fuck well after she left in hopes that I could manage to get some up if I drank I proceeded to take shots of vodka.. which didn't end up working tho I was so hung over this morning I threw up what lil stuff I had left in my stomach.. not pleasant
so newho gonna try and make a desperate attempt to keep doing this dandelion tea detox again...possibly everyday till I leave on vacation.... oh man that's a whole other story... I starting packing yesterday and got totally distraught when I tried on a few swim suits and two of the new ones I bought a few months ago don't fit.. my ass and legs are soooo out of shape that I hate how they look in my suits and some of my bottoms are just to tight and create either muffin top or squeeze my butt cheeks out the bottom.. uhg ... who knows if ill even put one on..
right now looking forward to the break from life but not looking forwar to being arounf family, eating and looking disgusting in a swim suit... looks like vacations gonna be filled with a lot of restriction and secret purging
fuck well after she left in hopes that I could manage to get some up if I drank I proceeded to take shots of vodka.. which didn't end up working tho I was so hung over this morning I threw up what lil stuff I had left in my stomach.. not pleasant
so newho gonna try and make a desperate attempt to keep doing this dandelion tea detox again...possibly everyday till I leave on vacation.... oh man that's a whole other story... I starting packing yesterday and got totally distraught when I tried on a few swim suits and two of the new ones I bought a few months ago don't fit.. my ass and legs are soooo out of shape that I hate how they look in my suits and some of my bottoms are just to tight and create either muffin top or squeeze my butt cheeks out the bottom.. uhg ... who knows if ill even put one on..
right now looking forward to the break from life but not looking forwar to being arounf family, eating and looking disgusting in a swim suit... looks like vacations gonna be filled with a lot of restriction and secret purging
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
fast approching
Hey bloggers... so yea I know lately I completely suck (in more ways then one) but I haven't been working full time at my job for the past two months which means I don't have interenet access like ever... so I am so sorry for being the worst blogger ever :(
On a worse note.. I am huge... and what sucks is instead of loosing weight before vacation I have managed to gain... I feel like complete garbage....
Im trying with everything in me to eat as little as possible...and Ive been taking two of my ephedra pills instead of one... part of it is work stress and then 3 weeks ago I switched to the Birth Control patch which I think has made me gain a little as well.. :(
I have 15 days till I leave for vacation and I am 10 lbs over weight ( or over the weight I am usually at which is 115)...im devastated and horrified and cant seem to get even the slightest of weight off... I feel horrible in my clothes and don't even want to think about putting on a bikini during vacay...
I know that being at this weight I am only going to stress more not to eat on vacation.. which sucks cause instead of having a good time with family Im going to be always thinking about not wanting to gain or eat....
idk what to do and idk how to get any weight off... hell I would be happy with even 5lbs off before I left....
I have now been completely vegetarian sense march... its going well the few times I took a bite of something with meat I had no interest in taking another... ive completely lost my taste for any meat at all now sense I haven't eatin it... which is great.... starting to think if I slowly cut out other things maybe the same thing will happen...
been taking a B6 and B12 sense Im not eating meat and biotin for my hair and nails...
I just really want to try and loose something.. ANYTHING before I leave.. its consuming me...at work, at home, with friends, anywhere its all I can think about ...how fat I feel how I don't want to put food in my mouth (tho I usually end up doing it any way :( )
going to try and drink as much water as I can in the next week to try and flush out excess water weight and maybe keep me full... gonna try and only make fresh juice is I get too hungry.....
heres to hoping for the best....
lord help me...
I wish all the best for everyone here I am catching up on my blogs and will be trying to blog as much as I can on vacation too...sense I'm poor and wont be doing much but laying out and trying to relax
On a worse note.. I am huge... and what sucks is instead of loosing weight before vacation I have managed to gain... I feel like complete garbage....
Im trying with everything in me to eat as little as possible...and Ive been taking two of my ephedra pills instead of one... part of it is work stress and then 3 weeks ago I switched to the Birth Control patch which I think has made me gain a little as well.. :(
I have 15 days till I leave for vacation and I am 10 lbs over weight ( or over the weight I am usually at which is 115)...im devastated and horrified and cant seem to get even the slightest of weight off... I feel horrible in my clothes and don't even want to think about putting on a bikini during vacay...
I know that being at this weight I am only going to stress more not to eat on vacation.. which sucks cause instead of having a good time with family Im going to be always thinking about not wanting to gain or eat....
idk what to do and idk how to get any weight off... hell I would be happy with even 5lbs off before I left....
I have now been completely vegetarian sense march... its going well the few times I took a bite of something with meat I had no interest in taking another... ive completely lost my taste for any meat at all now sense I haven't eatin it... which is great.... starting to think if I slowly cut out other things maybe the same thing will happen...
been taking a B6 and B12 sense Im not eating meat and biotin for my hair and nails...
I just really want to try and loose something.. ANYTHING before I leave.. its consuming me...at work, at home, with friends, anywhere its all I can think about ...how fat I feel how I don't want to put food in my mouth (tho I usually end up doing it any way :( )
going to try and drink as much water as I can in the next week to try and flush out excess water weight and maybe keep me full... gonna try and only make fresh juice is I get too hungry.....
heres to hoping for the best....
lord help me...
I wish all the best for everyone here I am catching up on my blogs and will be trying to blog as much as I can on vacation too...sense I'm poor and wont be doing much but laying out and trying to relax
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Juiceing
So I have started a juice detox/fast today. ..I'm hoping it will help shed some weight... idk how long im gonna do it guess we will see how long i last... I would like to at least do it through the week, possibly longer if i can do it....
Im on my period and sense my insomnia has been acting up i havent had much of an appetite anyways... I just am hating how i look and think i look like the biggest cow ever... yuck...
wwe will see... drank a glass of juice this morning that the husband made.. it was good gonna try and drink lots and lots of water to help keep my belly full so it cant get hungry... being at work will be the hardest sense i work at a resteraunt but im feeling good i can do it...
lets hope i can drop some LBS!
Im on my period and sense my insomnia has been acting up i havent had much of an appetite anyways... I just am hating how i look and think i look like the biggest cow ever... yuck...
wwe will see... drank a glass of juice this morning that the husband made.. it was good gonna try and drink lots and lots of water to help keep my belly full so it cant get hungry... being at work will be the hardest sense i work at a resteraunt but im feeling good i can do it...
lets hope i can drop some LBS!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
MIA
So sorry i have been MIA for like... ever...
I havent been at work for about two weeks so I havent had any web access...
Things are still rough and yes I'm still a fat ass... Im holding around 121 which is disgusting... I started a new pill and that seems to be helping.. however I'm switching my birth control which i will have to be careful about weight gain due to that.
I have about a month before I go on vacation and I am 11 pounds away from where i wanted to be for that.. :( Im a failure the way I see it...
Im gonna try and get back on track with working out... and as far as eating well... I manage to not eat much i have cut out meat all together and havent had any for about 4 months.
I gotta get my weight down for vacation or else Im just gonna hate myself the whole time... being in florida at this weight is just not gonna do....
I will get down no matter what...I will fast for two weeks if I need to... its gonna happen..
trying to get determined and set these goals... im over being a fat ass
I havent been at work for about two weeks so I havent had any web access...
Things are still rough and yes I'm still a fat ass... Im holding around 121 which is disgusting... I started a new pill and that seems to be helping.. however I'm switching my birth control which i will have to be careful about weight gain due to that.
I have about a month before I go on vacation and I am 11 pounds away from where i wanted to be for that.. :( Im a failure the way I see it...
Im gonna try and get back on track with working out... and as far as eating well... I manage to not eat much i have cut out meat all together and havent had any for about 4 months.
I gotta get my weight down for vacation or else Im just gonna hate myself the whole time... being in florida at this weight is just not gonna do....
I will get down no matter what...I will fast for two weeks if I need to... its gonna happen..
trying to get determined and set these goals... im over being a fat ass
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
total hate
I am disgusted with myself... totally hating my body..
so I was givin a juicer and am starting a juice fast for 5 days..
starting today...
lets hope i drop i cant handle it
so I was givin a juicer and am starting a juice fast for 5 days..
starting today...
lets hope i drop i cant handle it
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
WTF
ok WTF how come all the blogs i used to follow are now all gone.....
when i go to my blogger page it says im not following any blogs... im totally upset and sad that some how they are all gone..
:(
when i go to my blogger page it says im not following any blogs... im totally upset and sad that some how they are all gone..
:(
Thursday, May 9, 2013
so down not much to say
sry i suck.. I have been so depressed about gaining so much weight... Im back to 126 and i want to die.. just die!
I started a work out dvd and am sticking to it...
I'm also having surgery and the only reason im looking forward to the surgery isnt because it will fix the problem im having but the surgery will make me not be able to eat much for a few days while i heal...
hoping that i loose weight from it plus the food I will be able to eat durring the process will be limited so im hoping that that combined with my workout i will loose... I have to loose... i cant go into summer being the fat slob i am now :(
I started a work out dvd and am sticking to it...
I'm also having surgery and the only reason im looking forward to the surgery isnt because it will fix the problem im having but the surgery will make me not be able to eat much for a few days while i heal...
hoping that i loose weight from it plus the food I will be able to eat durring the process will be limited so im hoping that that combined with my workout i will loose... I have to loose... i cant go into summer being the fat slob i am now :(
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
desperation
Alright so Im getting desperate at this point... I need to loose some weight befor i go completly insane.
So I am thinking of getting some diet pills with ephedra..I have taken them before ... I would love any suggestions on some pills that work.. that actually help drop weight or kill appitite....
I have been working out here and there and still look like a jiggly fat cow. I am just getting so over welmed, I have a ton of shit going down in my life and I just want to loose weight so at least one thing can be right in my life....
I was looking through some old photos on facebook from when i was 115 and i just almost cried.. I want that flat tummy back... I hate everything about my body right now...
puffy stomach...
thick thighs...
saddle bags...
love handles...
back fat...
jiggly arms....
fat..
fat...
FAT!
Any suggestions on ephedra diet pills would be appriciated..please....i cant take this anymore :(...
So I am thinking of getting some diet pills with ephedra..I have taken them before ... I would love any suggestions on some pills that work.. that actually help drop weight or kill appitite....
I have been working out here and there and still look like a jiggly fat cow. I am just getting so over welmed, I have a ton of shit going down in my life and I just want to loose weight so at least one thing can be right in my life....
I was looking through some old photos on facebook from when i was 115 and i just almost cried.. I want that flat tummy back... I hate everything about my body right now...
puffy stomach...
thick thighs...
saddle bags...
love handles...
back fat...
jiggly arms....
fat..
fat...
FAT!
Any suggestions on ephedra diet pills would be appriciated..please....i cant take this anymore :(...
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
worst blogger
I feel like the worst blogger right now ever.... Im sorry I have been MIA for ever... :( things have been one battle after another lately all revovling around my hatred for myself...
idk what my weight is right now... last time i weighed it was 122.4 I feel disgusting and when i look in the mirror i see nothing but gain.. :( I have decided to stick with being a vegitarian after seeing some documenteries and going to a vegatarian/vegan expo i dicided i want to limit my part in all the mess of how animals are treated.
i dont like how things go down in those slaughter houses..with that me and the hubs have decided to no longer eat at fast food places.
I also am trying to limit my dairy intake as well... idk if i'll ever go full vegan but i want to eat less dairy too..
hoping this will help in my weight lose...I have started to sub drinks like diet soda and energy drinks for my meals... i just want to eat as little as possible...
work got me so upset last night that i came home took shot after shot and ended blacking out..hubs had to put me to bed and i have no idea how the night went down..
im so ashamed of myself and how i let go but im trying so hard to get back on track
I've been doing the 30 day sqaut challenge and i am half way through.. its getting really tough.. i also started doing this all over abs routine too
i have to buy bikinis for a new ring girl jobs and so i bought some on ebay all smalls it will force me to lose sense i hate wasting money if i buy it i have to wear it
newho sorry again for being a bad blogger.. im trying to get my head out of this funk so i will want to post more
idk what my weight is right now... last time i weighed it was 122.4 I feel disgusting and when i look in the mirror i see nothing but gain.. :( I have decided to stick with being a vegitarian after seeing some documenteries and going to a vegatarian/vegan expo i dicided i want to limit my part in all the mess of how animals are treated.
i dont like how things go down in those slaughter houses..with that me and the hubs have decided to no longer eat at fast food places.
I also am trying to limit my dairy intake as well... idk if i'll ever go full vegan but i want to eat less dairy too..
hoping this will help in my weight lose...I have started to sub drinks like diet soda and energy drinks for my meals... i just want to eat as little as possible...
work got me so upset last night that i came home took shot after shot and ended blacking out..hubs had to put me to bed and i have no idea how the night went down..
im so ashamed of myself and how i let go but im trying so hard to get back on track
I've been doing the 30 day sqaut challenge and i am half way through.. its getting really tough.. i also started doing this all over abs routine too
i have to buy bikinis for a new ring girl jobs and so i bought some on ebay all smalls it will force me to lose sense i hate wasting money if i buy it i have to wear it
newho sorry again for being a bad blogger.. im trying to get my head out of this funk so i will want to post more
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
absolute distruction
hey fellow bloggers... sorry its been so long sence i have blogged.. I have been keeping up with reading but just have been in such a down and distrought state I havent had it in me to post.
things have just been one disaster after the other.. i feel I have no self control anymore.. I hate myself and my body.. I cant look in the mirror without feeling disgusted...
I'm trying to eat less and less everyday...kind of ease into it insted of just stopping eating all together.. which never seems to work.. I have started to work out again and have decided to stop eating meat all together. Im taking whatever diet pills I can find in my house..
I seriously just cant stand myself.. last time I weighed I was back up to 120 and wanted to die.. that was a few days ago and I havent been able to get back on the scale.. I fear its higher... Im consintly trying to move so Im burning as much as possible along with working out at least once a day sometimes twice...
the weather doesnt help its been so shitty outside and it hasnt gotten much warmer... once the weather is warm I will be able to keep myself out of the house by walking the dog and going for my afternoon walks..
I just cant remain this way...i have to loose and im not giving up.. not this time.. its time to just do what I need to..
things have just been one disaster after the other.. i feel I have no self control anymore.. I hate myself and my body.. I cant look in the mirror without feeling disgusted...
I'm trying to eat less and less everyday...kind of ease into it insted of just stopping eating all together.. which never seems to work.. I have started to work out again and have decided to stop eating meat all together. Im taking whatever diet pills I can find in my house..
I seriously just cant stand myself.. last time I weighed I was back up to 120 and wanted to die.. that was a few days ago and I havent been able to get back on the scale.. I fear its higher... Im consintly trying to move so Im burning as much as possible along with working out at least once a day sometimes twice...
the weather doesnt help its been so shitty outside and it hasnt gotten much warmer... once the weather is warm I will be able to keep myself out of the house by walking the dog and going for my afternoon walks..
I just cant remain this way...i have to loose and im not giving up.. not this time.. its time to just do what I need to..
Thursday, March 28, 2013
out of the loop
sry I havent been blogging :(
things have been hard and I just cant deal right now....
making some dramatic changes...loosing weight no matter what ....
I cant handle it anymore
will update soon
things have been hard and I just cant deal right now....
making some dramatic changes...loosing weight no matter what ....
I cant handle it anymore
will update soon
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
just for a brief moment
Well I guess even if it is only for one day I would rather see that happy number and keep hope alive that i will reach it for real...
Things have not been going as planned and in alot of ways Im falling back into bad habbits...
One day this weekend I saw 114.6 on the scale and was so happy. It didnt last tho as I knew it was dehydration.
This morning I was 117.4.. I have been at that number for a while now so there s at least the thought that im actually that weight.,,, I was desperatly hoping that I would be at 115 by friday as I have a swimsuit even that Im dreading... knowing there will be taller thinner girls there is driving me insane.
I have been purging unfortunatly that streak didnt last long.... idk i cant get a hold of myself lately like Im falling apart desperatly grabbing at the pieces before they hit the ground but everytime they slip right through my fingers and hit the ground shattering to dust...
its been getting warmer here and there so im happy i will be able to go for walks with my dog and evening walks alone again... but dreading the thought of wearing something other then my sweat pants and hoodies that i have come acostomed to...
I just want this week to be done... to much on my mind and to much stress
Things have not been going as planned and in alot of ways Im falling back into bad habbits...
One day this weekend I saw 114.6 on the scale and was so happy. It didnt last tho as I knew it was dehydration.
This morning I was 117.4.. I have been at that number for a while now so there s at least the thought that im actually that weight.,,, I was desperatly hoping that I would be at 115 by friday as I have a swimsuit even that Im dreading... knowing there will be taller thinner girls there is driving me insane.
I have been purging unfortunatly that streak didnt last long.... idk i cant get a hold of myself lately like Im falling apart desperatly grabbing at the pieces before they hit the ground but everytime they slip right through my fingers and hit the ground shattering to dust...
its been getting warmer here and there so im happy i will be able to go for walks with my dog and evening walks alone again... but dreading the thought of wearing something other then my sweat pants and hoodies that i have come acostomed to...
I just want this week to be done... to much on my mind and to much stress
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
........
I have been failing miserably lately... :( on all levels.... I screwed up and broke down and had cheese a few times... :( along with that I have purged everyday this week so far... depressing I feel like I cant ever do anything right... ive been using liquor as an outlet for how I feel... which I know is soo bad for me and probably killing my insides...
Idk what my weight is today... yesterday it was 118.8 (disgusting) I have been up sense 3:30am and so i didnt weigh this morning cause I tried to sleep untill right before work...
I feel like a failure...whats new right....
I need to pull my head out of my ass and just stick to it... I actually just want to stop eating all together .... to be honest i wish I could throw all the food in my house away.. tho then the hubby wouldnt have food to eat.... I need to start fresh and just stop this nonsense....
I bought rasberry keitone pills the other day... gonna see how those work on weight lose and appitite supressants... your supposed to take them with food....screw that....
I have a swimsuit event on the 15th....which is in like 10 days.. I know Im still gonna feel like shit about myself but lets see if I can drop a few and not be the fattest cow there...
Idk what my weight is today... yesterday it was 118.8 (disgusting) I have been up sense 3:30am and so i didnt weigh this morning cause I tried to sleep untill right before work...
I feel like a failure...whats new right....
I need to pull my head out of my ass and just stick to it... I actually just want to stop eating all together .... to be honest i wish I could throw all the food in my house away.. tho then the hubby wouldnt have food to eat.... I need to start fresh and just stop this nonsense....
I bought rasberry keitone pills the other day... gonna see how those work on weight lose and appitite supressants... your supposed to take them with food....screw that....
I have a swimsuit event on the 15th....which is in like 10 days.. I know Im still gonna feel like shit about myself but lets see if I can drop a few and not be the fattest cow there...
Monday, March 4, 2013
why? why cant i just do things right
Ive been fucking up lately... alot.. i have broke a few times and eatin cheese... and of corse felt bad about it ... this past weekend while away from my interent and blog i purged roughly 3 times.... wtf is wrong with me...
my weight has been up and donw this weekend no doubt from the purging... I was 117.2 yesterday but was then 118.8 today.. FML
i want to die...
I seriously wish I could just make myself unable to eat...
sometimes i think if i could wire my mouth shut again...i would...
already fucked up this morning, but am just gonan stick with water for the reat of the day and tmrw im thinking of just having water.. lots of it to flush out every thing...
hopefully ill be down on wed....doubt it...fat ass...
:(
my weight has been up and donw this weekend no doubt from the purging... I was 117.2 yesterday but was then 118.8 today.. FML
i want to die...
I seriously wish I could just make myself unable to eat...
sometimes i think if i could wire my mouth shut again...i would...
already fucked up this morning, but am just gonan stick with water for the reat of the day and tmrw im thinking of just having water.. lots of it to flush out every thing...
hopefully ill be down on wed....doubt it...fat ass...
:(
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Why me
So uhg I just dont understand my body... so like i said my last post I was down to 115 on saturday...and then of corse with my luck today I am back up to 119.2 ... I just dont get it... i literally eat the same stuff everyday because of this vegan eating plan.
Im thinking that Im just gonna cut out more stuff.. maybe just eat fruits and veggies... Ive been trying to drink alot of water to see if maybe im retaining....
I now have something to look forward to to keep me on track.. got hired to do an event on the 23rd...so i want to be down to a happier weight for it... thinking 112 is an ultimate goal but I would take a solid 115 if i can maintain it for a few without it jumping...
uhg Ive been painting alot to try and calm my mind of all the stress and shit i put myself through.. not just with the ED but with life situations.
It does help but not enough i slept horribly last night..
Im thinking that Im just gonna cut out more stuff.. maybe just eat fruits and veggies... Ive been trying to drink alot of water to see if maybe im retaining....
I now have something to look forward to to keep me on track.. got hired to do an event on the 23rd...so i want to be down to a happier weight for it... thinking 112 is an ultimate goal but I would take a solid 115 if i can maintain it for a few without it jumping...
uhg Ive been painting alot to try and calm my mind of all the stress and shit i put myself through.. not just with the ED but with life situations.
It does help but not enough i slept horribly last night..
Monday, February 25, 2013
another monday hangover
yea so im gonna try and take a break from the booze... i know ive said it before but im actually kind of serious this time...
things have been going well on the vegan front.. have been doing well... unfortunatly i got sick last night.. not on purpose(for once) I made a vegan chickenless patty sandwhich..well i was unaware that it had onion in it...alot cause after like the 3rd of 4th bite i could super taste it....well long story short im allergic to onion so about 15 mins after eating (i ended up not eating anymore of it after the 4th bite) I was in the bathroom throwing up :( stupid onions...
newho gonna weigh in on wed... im being hopeful cause saturday I weighed and was down to 115.8...so lets hope i am the same or lower...
hope all is well with everyone... I unfortunatly am having a hard time dealing with some life situations that dont have to do with my weight :/ ...spent a good chunk of yesterday crying...which is why i ended up drinking my sorrows away last night...
hopefully wed. will bring better news
things have been going well on the vegan front.. have been doing well... unfortunatly i got sick last night.. not on purpose(for once) I made a vegan chickenless patty sandwhich..well i was unaware that it had onion in it...alot cause after like the 3rd of 4th bite i could super taste it....well long story short im allergic to onion so about 15 mins after eating (i ended up not eating anymore of it after the 4th bite) I was in the bathroom throwing up :( stupid onions...
newho gonna weigh in on wed... im being hopeful cause saturday I weighed and was down to 115.8...so lets hope i am the same or lower...
hope all is well with everyone... I unfortunatly am having a hard time dealing with some life situations that dont have to do with my weight :/ ...spent a good chunk of yesterday crying...which is why i ended up drinking my sorrows away last night...
hopefully wed. will bring better news
Thursday, February 21, 2013
rambles and shambles
uhg.. so i fail.... of corse it was only a matter of time...on both fronts... but im going to continue on and try and not screw up again...
last night late...i made myself throw up...of corse i had been drinking.. which i know i shouldnt do especially sense im eating so little...but ye....i purged and around 2:30 in the morning my husband found me asleep on the bathroom floor....he woke me and apparently i wouldnt leave the bathroom untill i threw up...
uhg im such a mess i swear idk whats wrong with me...
then of corse i fuck up and have cream cheese this morning....i ate it and then felt like i was going to get sick....
starting a new... not gonna mess up again....thinking of trying to stick to all liquids for the next few days .... have a photoshoot for submission photos for a calendar saturday... i have to look skinny..
i was 117.8 this morning.... but i know its a lie....water weight dehydration....stupid scale u cant fool me...
last night late...i made myself throw up...of corse i had been drinking.. which i know i shouldnt do especially sense im eating so little...but ye....i purged and around 2:30 in the morning my husband found me asleep on the bathroom floor....he woke me and apparently i wouldnt leave the bathroom untill i threw up...
uhg im such a mess i swear idk whats wrong with me...
then of corse i fuck up and have cream cheese this morning....i ate it and then felt like i was going to get sick....
starting a new... not gonna mess up again....thinking of trying to stick to all liquids for the next few days .... have a photoshoot for submission photos for a calendar saturday... i have to look skinny..
i was 117.8 this morning.... but i know its a lie....water weight dehydration....stupid scale u cant fool me...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Just dont get it
Uhg sometimes I just dont understand..... not the wed. I was hoping for...
I hate my stupid body...so i couldnt help it and weighed yesterday mid day between my two jobs and was please that it was 117.4 in the middle of the day.... but then this morning i step up and its 119.2...
wtf....
uhg its been a week of me eating basically nothing but fruit and veg and some peta and hummus here and there.. yea i know only a week give it time ..fuck time...
trying not to freak but im just hating everything i eat and yet getting nowhere...
thinking im just going to go to sleep when i get home... just not in the mood today...
hopefully I will be lower next week..
havent purged in a week... but now im really starting to want to.... trying to not do that....uhg
I hate my stupid body...so i couldnt help it and weighed yesterday mid day between my two jobs and was please that it was 117.4 in the middle of the day.... but then this morning i step up and its 119.2...
wtf....
uhg its been a week of me eating basically nothing but fruit and veg and some peta and hummus here and there.. yea i know only a week give it time ..fuck time...
trying not to freak but im just hating everything i eat and yet getting nowhere...
thinking im just going to go to sleep when i get home... just not in the mood today...
hopefully I will be lower next week..
havent purged in a week... but now im really starting to want to.... trying to not do that....uhg
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
ech
So I drank last night.. and in turn ate way to much... i mean i stuck to all vegan friendly foods.. but i still feel like i ate way to much food...
so its left me feeling gross and fat today... i have a gross taste of bell peppers in my mouth that wont go away... its making me want to throw up.. :(
uhg i have to rush around inbetween work and try and shower before going to my second job...
not a fan of today... :(
liquids only for today...
so its left me feeling gross and fat today... i have a gross taste of bell peppers in my mouth that wont go away... its making me want to throw up.. :(
uhg i have to rush around inbetween work and try and shower before going to my second job...
not a fan of today... :(
liquids only for today...
Monday, February 18, 2013
here i am
ok.. here I am.. sorry for the long break from blogging and the random few blogs i did post.
things were bad my weight went back up to 119 and I freaked went spiraling into a purge everything mode. but fortunatly thanks to Lent and me doing a full on Vegan diet Im feeling positive that i can drop... weight on saturday morning was 116.8 but then sunday was 118.. so idk what thats about.
Im not going to weigh again untill wed. that will be one full week of me doing the Vegan eating. I do have to say I dont feel as bloated as i normally do..most likely cause Im eating mainly veggies and fruit. I have some whole grain peta occasionally. and have ventured into Vegan cheese tho i cant stand to eat it by its self.
Sense i am doing full Vegan (thats no animal, animal bi product, and no insect ingrediants i.e honey red 4 ect.) This cuts soooo much out of my diet...which i really dont mind ...
I am also trying not to purge at all during this tho with all the cuts in food I find the urge to purge is alot less...sometimes i just want to cause i feel i need it...but so far im doing good....
lets hope for lower numbers on wed.
things were bad my weight went back up to 119 and I freaked went spiraling into a purge everything mode. but fortunatly thanks to Lent and me doing a full on Vegan diet Im feeling positive that i can drop... weight on saturday morning was 116.8 but then sunday was 118.. so idk what thats about.
Im not going to weigh again untill wed. that will be one full week of me doing the Vegan eating. I do have to say I dont feel as bloated as i normally do..most likely cause Im eating mainly veggies and fruit. I have some whole grain peta occasionally. and have ventured into Vegan cheese tho i cant stand to eat it by its self.
Sense i am doing full Vegan (thats no animal, animal bi product, and no insect ingrediants i.e honey red 4 ect.) This cuts soooo much out of my diet...which i really dont mind ...
I am also trying not to purge at all during this tho with all the cuts in food I find the urge to purge is alot less...sometimes i just want to cause i feel i need it...but so far im doing good....
lets hope for lower numbers on wed.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
ash wed...lent begins
so Im still not ready to do a long post.... but wanted to just say im still here... its been hard...
I have decided to go on a full Vegan diet/lifestyle for Lent this yr.... I have always done extremely well when giving things up for lent because i have a reason not to eat them other then im a fat ass.
last yr i did vegetarian...this yr im challenegeing myself even more by doing vegan.... no meat, dairy animal biproduct ..organic shampoo and conditioners along with vegan makeups and such.. im going all out...
Im excited to do it...i think it will get me to stop purging and hopeing ill loose weight
good luck to everyone else and their Lent
I have decided to go on a full Vegan diet/lifestyle for Lent this yr.... I have always done extremely well when giving things up for lent because i have a reason not to eat them other then im a fat ass.
last yr i did vegetarian...this yr im challenegeing myself even more by doing vegan.... no meat, dairy animal biproduct ..organic shampoo and conditioners along with vegan makeups and such.. im going all out...
Im excited to do it...i think it will get me to stop purging and hopeing ill loose weight
good luck to everyone else and their Lent
Monday, February 4, 2013
shame
not much to say....idk maybe when Im feeling better and have lost this weight i put back on I'll post an undate....
feeling fat and disgusting.... Im ashamed of myself and hate myself... i literally want to take a knife and cut the fat off myself....
yea I see very little eating and heavy drinking in my future this week :(
Lent is coming up...useing it as an excuse...lent is the only time ive never failed a diet or giving up something...
FML
feeling fat and disgusting.... Im ashamed of myself and hate myself... i literally want to take a knife and cut the fat off myself....
yea I see very little eating and heavy drinking in my future this week :(
Lent is coming up...useing it as an excuse...lent is the only time ive never failed a diet or giving up something...
FML
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Nothing lasts
Uhg Im a complete failure....
I cant manage to loose weight then just keep it off... I did it....
on saturday, the day before my photoshoot, I was 114.6 ...I was exstatic.... I cant remember when i ever saw a number below 115...
Sunday the day of the shoot I was 115... that was ok cause at least I was were I wanted to be... the day was long and tireing and busy but everything went well...
Un fortunatly I fucked it all up like I always do and am now currently sitting at 117.2 ...FML
I dont understand why i cant just continue loosing or stay the same.. it seems something always comes up after i hit a goal and then that goal is gone and im back to being crazy upset about it... I have been eating to much the last few days... I know thats why I gained it back... even tho I purge most of it... I hate doing that... I know its horrible...
I just for once want to drop the weight and see the lower number for a few days... if I could stay at 115 for a few days I would have been in such a better mood...
well back to crazy work schedules and never eating.....its just the only way....nothing else works ...
besides... I really dont need the food....I know this for a fact.... I went 6 weeks on just liquids when my jaw was wired shut...to bad i cant do that again....I would love to not be able to eat....
I dont need food... food is a luxery not a necessity.
I cant manage to loose weight then just keep it off... I did it....
on saturday, the day before my photoshoot, I was 114.6 ...I was exstatic.... I cant remember when i ever saw a number below 115...
Sunday the day of the shoot I was 115... that was ok cause at least I was were I wanted to be... the day was long and tireing and busy but everything went well...
Un fortunatly I fucked it all up like I always do and am now currently sitting at 117.2 ...FML
I dont understand why i cant just continue loosing or stay the same.. it seems something always comes up after i hit a goal and then that goal is gone and im back to being crazy upset about it... I have been eating to much the last few days... I know thats why I gained it back... even tho I purge most of it... I hate doing that... I know its horrible...
I just for once want to drop the weight and see the lower number for a few days... if I could stay at 115 for a few days I would have been in such a better mood...
well back to crazy work schedules and never eating.....its just the only way....nothing else works ...
besides... I really dont need the food....I know this for a fact.... I went 6 weeks on just liquids when my jaw was wired shut...to bad i cant do that again....I would love to not be able to eat....
I dont need food... food is a luxery not a necessity.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
can we just go back please
uhg so I ended up weighing myself after work which ended up not being bad..to my surprise I was at 115.6...weighed like 4 times to make sure it was accurat lol.
sadly tho I drank a ton of liquids at work and this morning I was back up to 117.0 :/ fml can it be back to yesterday...
I am sipping my diet coke right now and I had an orange which I dont feel to bad about cause its a negative food. but I also had 1/4 of a sandwhich...uhg mainly because Im cramping so bad from my period that I was hoping a lil bread or something would help... it didnt and know i just feel guilty...
so I took two ephedra diet pills and will probably try and burn off everything tonight.
Im still determinded to be 115 on sunday... i can do this i know i can... get your shit together Lila!
uuuhhhhggggg Im so sick of this
also lastly I wanted to take a moment to thank another blogger....Katie Elizabeth...
Thank you for your kind and caring comments.. you have no idea how much they help me on rough days...its always nice to see that you have someone there ... I just wanted to say thank you. your positive and incouraging comments make things a lil easier sometimes.
I appriciaate all my lovely blog readers and writers. tho i dont always comment i do read ....
we are all in this together.. hang in there loves!
sadly tho I drank a ton of liquids at work and this morning I was back up to 117.0 :/ fml can it be back to yesterday...
I am sipping my diet coke right now and I had an orange which I dont feel to bad about cause its a negative food. but I also had 1/4 of a sandwhich...uhg mainly because Im cramping so bad from my period that I was hoping a lil bread or something would help... it didnt and know i just feel guilty...
so I took two ephedra diet pills and will probably try and burn off everything tonight.
Im still determinded to be 115 on sunday... i can do this i know i can... get your shit together Lila!
uuuhhhhggggg Im so sick of this
also lastly I wanted to take a moment to thank another blogger....Katie Elizabeth...
Thank you for your kind and caring comments.. you have no idea how much they help me on rough days...its always nice to see that you have someone there ... I just wanted to say thank you. your positive and incouraging comments make things a lil easier sometimes.
I appriciaate all my lovely blog readers and writers. tho i dont always comment i do read ....
we are all in this together.. hang in there loves!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
weekend bustle
So Im feeling better..as in im not as sick anymore... tho I feel shitty still about how I look...whats new..
so the weekend went alright.. tho my weight dropped here and there i binged and purged and I know I shouldnt have...
last time I weighed which I believe was sunday morning I was down to 116 from 117.4 on friday... tho I know unless I can hold that weight for a while ....I know its really water weight from the purging...
I didnt weigh this morning because I started my period and was angry about it and so I just left for work... debating weighing inbetween my two jobs today when i go home to shower.. tho I hate weighing in the middle of the day...
I have been uber stressed out lately and it shows.. I feel like I look worn down... I have 5 days till a big photo shoot and I really just want to stay at this 116 weight.. or better if i can get to 115 by sunday fabulous.....
of corse in order for that to happen I would literally have to eat like nothing for the next 5 days..which I couldnt possibly pull off considering today I have had a tiny half a turkey sandwhich on one small piece of homemade bread...gotta work tonight so wont be eating then...work all day tmrw and thursday work friday morning and saturday morning...idk its possible ...lets see if I can live off diet coke and water for the next 5 days...
what sucks is even down in weight i feel my body just looks f'ed up... its so idk not right... lumps and curves where they shouldnt be I have like this dreaded underwear crease right below my pelvic bone before my giant hips...even if i dont wear underwear its still there...disgusting i hate it i feel like a weird alien.. no matter what i do im just never right...
ok so challenge for the week set....little to no food....hopefully none at all...till sunday...
so the weekend went alright.. tho my weight dropped here and there i binged and purged and I know I shouldnt have...
last time I weighed which I believe was sunday morning I was down to 116 from 117.4 on friday... tho I know unless I can hold that weight for a while ....I know its really water weight from the purging...
I didnt weigh this morning because I started my period and was angry about it and so I just left for work... debating weighing inbetween my two jobs today when i go home to shower.. tho I hate weighing in the middle of the day...
I have been uber stressed out lately and it shows.. I feel like I look worn down... I have 5 days till a big photo shoot and I really just want to stay at this 116 weight.. or better if i can get to 115 by sunday fabulous.....
of corse in order for that to happen I would literally have to eat like nothing for the next 5 days..which I couldnt possibly pull off considering today I have had a tiny half a turkey sandwhich on one small piece of homemade bread...gotta work tonight so wont be eating then...work all day tmrw and thursday work friday morning and saturday morning...idk its possible ...lets see if I can live off diet coke and water for the next 5 days...
what sucks is even down in weight i feel my body just looks f'ed up... its so idk not right... lumps and curves where they shouldnt be I have like this dreaded underwear crease right below my pelvic bone before my giant hips...even if i dont wear underwear its still there...disgusting i hate it i feel like a weird alien.. no matter what i do im just never right...
ok so challenge for the week set....little to no food....hopefully none at all...till sunday...
Monday, January 21, 2013
more to come...
not much time at work today to post... so on that note... I didnt weigh today....
I need to eat as little as possible this week in prep for a big Shoot I have coming...
weekend update coming tomorrow..
sorry dolls
more to come tmrw...
I need to eat as little as possible this week in prep for a big Shoot I have coming...
weekend update coming tomorrow..
sorry dolls
more to come tmrw...
Thursday, January 17, 2013
let it be done
Can we just go ahead and skip through the weekend...
I just want it to be over....
i want to be able to sleep....
I dont want to be sick....
I want the scale to be lower....
I just want it to be over....
i want to be able to sleep....
I dont want to be sick....
I want the scale to be lower....
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
torture
Im an epic failure to start off with..... I seriously feel like i never do anything right and as a result my life punishes me by making me fat and sick and crazy....
so yesterday was shit the day befroe also shit... I have been sick for the past couple days and its getting worse...not to mention my purging doesnt help... the soreness in my muscles is getting better but I have this wicked dry cough that is causing me to have a tight dull pain in my chest... also my eyes hurt...moving them back and forth causes so much soreness...which i know is most likely from purging...
tho that didnt stop me...
I weighed in at 119.0 this morning and felt like shit.. I keep going up and down now between 117 and 119... so the thought of well im not eating today was the goal..well around 12:30 when I ended up eating a lettuce and cheese wrap I felt awful about it and of corse purged it...FUCK
I dont want to purge and I know how bad it is for my body and teeth and everything.... but I cant stop myself...if I could just never put anything in my mouth i would never purge....i just need to break the cycle....
my insomnia is not getting better I wake at least 2 times a night and takes me about 30-40 mins to fall asleep... Im never rested in the morning...I know everything combined is making me feel so shitting the sore muscles ect.... Im trying to drink fluids cause I know im getting dehydrated and I dont want to end up in the hospital cause I dont want them to get suspicious as to why i have been in more then once for dehydration....
Im always working which is really hard to do when Im not sleeping well...tmrw I work both jobs I will be up at 7:30 work from 8:30-1:30 at one job and then 4:30-2am at the other....I know im gonna be exhausted....
plan for the rest of the day is to down a ton of water when i get home and then try and go to sleep for a bit...hopefully this keeps me from eating anything else and helps me catch up on some sleep...
....this is torture....
so yesterday was shit the day befroe also shit... I have been sick for the past couple days and its getting worse...not to mention my purging doesnt help... the soreness in my muscles is getting better but I have this wicked dry cough that is causing me to have a tight dull pain in my chest... also my eyes hurt...moving them back and forth causes so much soreness...which i know is most likely from purging...
tho that didnt stop me...
I weighed in at 119.0 this morning and felt like shit.. I keep going up and down now between 117 and 119... so the thought of well im not eating today was the goal..well around 12:30 when I ended up eating a lettuce and cheese wrap I felt awful about it and of corse purged it...FUCK
I dont want to purge and I know how bad it is for my body and teeth and everything.... but I cant stop myself...if I could just never put anything in my mouth i would never purge....i just need to break the cycle....
my insomnia is not getting better I wake at least 2 times a night and takes me about 30-40 mins to fall asleep... Im never rested in the morning...I know everything combined is making me feel so shitting the sore muscles ect.... Im trying to drink fluids cause I know im getting dehydrated and I dont want to end up in the hospital cause I dont want them to get suspicious as to why i have been in more then once for dehydration....
Im always working which is really hard to do when Im not sleeping well...tmrw I work both jobs I will be up at 7:30 work from 8:30-1:30 at one job and then 4:30-2am at the other....I know im gonna be exhausted....
plan for the rest of the day is to down a ton of water when i get home and then try and go to sleep for a bit...hopefully this keeps me from eating anything else and helps me catch up on some sleep...
....this is torture....
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
whats happening to me
so no weigh in today...woke up totally laate... like woke up at the time im supposed to arrive at work :(
and yes this is due to being drunk the night before..sigh... I know...its hard to not do it..its like an outlet for me.. plus i went to dinner with the hubs and that gave me anxiety so drinking became the solution...
neway aside from that I feel like hell but not because of a hangover...idk whats going on but for the past two days my entire body is sore... and no i havent been working out... like sore to the point I feel like i just got done with a full body work out...arms legs butt everything hurts and idk why..
I havent ate today cause I just plain havent felt like it... drinking alot of gatorade ...
hoping to have a low number or at least same number as yesterday tmrw if i continue not to eat today... if I could drop a pound by the weekend that would be nice...we will see
and yes this is due to being drunk the night before..sigh... I know...its hard to not do it..its like an outlet for me.. plus i went to dinner with the hubs and that gave me anxiety so drinking became the solution...
neway aside from that I feel like hell but not because of a hangover...idk whats going on but for the past two days my entire body is sore... and no i havent been working out... like sore to the point I feel like i just got done with a full body work out...arms legs butt everything hurts and idk why..
I havent ate today cause I just plain havent felt like it... drinking alot of gatorade ...
hoping to have a low number or at least same number as yesterday tmrw if i continue not to eat today... if I could drop a pound by the weekend that would be nice...we will see
Monday, January 14, 2013
weekend post
so things have been up and down. ...friday weight was at 119.4...better then back in the twenties.. i had a rough couple of days of up and down food. eat dont eat.. working... my insomnia is coming back...due to all the work and stress i assume...yesterday i was down to 117.6 closer...
upside i wore a pair of pants i bought and never wore cause i had got to fat for them...yesterday they fit..proud! tho they are a 5 im still happy they finally fit...
depression and anxiety are slowly creeping back into my life and i find myself having alot of anxiety over everything. work is busy...i work all the time and its crazy i feel like i never do anything anymore..
but i guess the busier i am the less i eat...tho the worse my insomnia and brain gets...
theres really no winning..
upside i wore a pair of pants i bought and never wore cause i had got to fat for them...yesterday they fit..proud! tho they are a 5 im still happy they finally fit...
depression and anxiety are slowly creeping back into my life and i find myself having alot of anxiety over everything. work is busy...i work all the time and its crazy i feel like i never do anything anymore..
but i guess the busier i am the less i eat...tho the worse my insomnia and brain gets...
theres really no winning..
Thursday, January 10, 2013
just plain down
I feel so low lately and it sucks....
I fail at everything and i hate it....
i had a major bad day yesterday just kept eating small amoutns of things then throwing them up.. drank again... not alot but still...
todays weight was down to 117.4 better then yesterday but i know it water weight from the purging...
working alot today havent ate much which is good....
just trying to make it through the day...
I fail at everything and i hate it....
i had a major bad day yesterday just kept eating small amoutns of things then throwing them up.. drank again... not alot but still...
todays weight was down to 117.4 better then yesterday but i know it water weight from the purging...
working alot today havent ate much which is good....
just trying to make it through the day...
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
fuck water weight!
fuck this shit for real.... so apparently i am just loosing and gaining water weight and am guessing that im now retaining...
weigh in today back up to 119.4 ...wtf... I wanna scream...
im already soo over this week.. yesterday was just a bad day in general because of some stuff that happened and then i worked all day... Im still upset about some things that happened yesterday which is not helping me stay focused at all...
pretty much i want to just go home and go to sleep after work... whats the point cause as of right now i have nothing to look forward too..
im hoping with work and everything this weekend i can drop down maybe just a little...
uhg....im trying to not let this get to me and im failing ...badly
weigh in today back up to 119.4 ...wtf... I wanna scream...
im already soo over this week.. yesterday was just a bad day in general because of some stuff that happened and then i worked all day... Im still upset about some things that happened yesterday which is not helping me stay focused at all...
pretty much i want to just go home and go to sleep after work... whats the point cause as of right now i have nothing to look forward too..
im hoping with work and everything this weekend i can drop down maybe just a little...
uhg....im trying to not let this get to me and im failing ...badly
Monday, January 7, 2013
no longer trusting my eyes...they play tricks
So its been the weekend, so obvi didnt post... not having internet at home sucks!!
things have strangly been going ok.. I mean I feel like a fat ass shit bag of corse... but Im loosing or think i am...idk anymore cause the scal says yes.. but I look and feel disgusting...
Today my stomach looks not as flat and i just feel like a million pounds, however the quick jump on the scale this morning revealed the number 116.0 ....shocked is an understatment...I was late for work so I couldnt do my usual step on and off like 5 times, move and reset the scale on different areas of the floor to confirm the weight, yesterday I was 117.4....I purged alot, which i find soo awful considering I have never been a binge person....I have never just ate and ate till i couldnt...but i purge anything that goes in my mouth.... and got drunk again last night which made me sick.
idk why I keep doing this to myself I live off booze basically...
I think Im gonna try and take a break from the liquor... its hard when it is my release...
if the scale is right which we will find out tmrw I suppose.. that means I am 1lb away from my first goal of 115... and 6lbs away from my goal of 110...
lets hope i can keep this up without ppl noticing...
things have strangly been going ok.. I mean I feel like a fat ass shit bag of corse... but Im loosing or think i am...idk anymore cause the scal says yes.. but I look and feel disgusting...
Today my stomach looks not as flat and i just feel like a million pounds, however the quick jump on the scale this morning revealed the number 116.0 ....shocked is an understatment...I was late for work so I couldnt do my usual step on and off like 5 times, move and reset the scale on different areas of the floor to confirm the weight, yesterday I was 117.4....I purged alot, which i find soo awful considering I have never been a binge person....I have never just ate and ate till i couldnt...but i purge anything that goes in my mouth.... and got drunk again last night which made me sick.
idk why I keep doing this to myself I live off booze basically...
I think Im gonna try and take a break from the liquor... its hard when it is my release...
if the scale is right which we will find out tmrw I suppose.. that means I am 1lb away from my first goal of 115... and 6lbs away from my goal of 110...
lets hope i can keep this up without ppl noticing...
Thursday, January 3, 2013
bumbed
my plans never seem to work out ...it really upsets me when i plan things and then I have to cancle because something didnt go the way it should...
Im feeling a little low today not to mention I am hungover... like mad crazy hung over...i havent been so hung over in a long time... head ache got sick like three times this morning...thats what i get i guess...
so I didnt weigh today...no time woke up late cause of the hangover and had to rush to work..plus i ate like a cow yesterday and feel disgusted about it... I feel a nap coming on after I get off which is in like an hr and a half...thank god.
dispite throwing up last night and alot this morning i feel fat today :( Im supposed to go out with some friends from my other job tonight but idk if that will end up working out either... the hubby usually works tonight which is why i planned it but now he isnt so idk i guess i always feel bad when i know he is at the hosue alone and Im out.
idk im tempted to weigh after work.. but i have drank alot of water sense being awake and i dread that the number will be up...
trying to stay focused...I cant afford to get off track... not this time
Im feeling a little low today not to mention I am hungover... like mad crazy hung over...i havent been so hung over in a long time... head ache got sick like three times this morning...thats what i get i guess...
so I didnt weigh today...no time woke up late cause of the hangover and had to rush to work..plus i ate like a cow yesterday and feel disgusted about it... I feel a nap coming on after I get off which is in like an hr and a half...thank god.
dispite throwing up last night and alot this morning i feel fat today :( Im supposed to go out with some friends from my other job tonight but idk if that will end up working out either... the hubby usually works tonight which is why i planned it but now he isnt so idk i guess i always feel bad when i know he is at the hosue alone and Im out.
idk im tempted to weigh after work.. but i have drank alot of water sense being awake and i dread that the number will be up...
trying to stay focused...I cant afford to get off track... not this time
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Holiday post
Wow so I have been MIA for like the past 2 weeks... I havent been working one of my jobs so I havent had internet access... so I guess its time for a holiday update post to get all caught up on the ups and downs of the past few weeks..
so first off 3 days before christmas eve I ended up in the hospital...no fun. I was down to 120 i believe the last time I posted... i started getting extremely sick couldnt hold anything down not even a few sips of water... it was bad.. the hubby took me to the ER at 2:30 in the morning and I was severly dehydrated and had some bad virus going on... they decided to admit me and I ended up spending 2 days in the hospital. they wouldnt let me eat (which was fine) and I went through like 5 IV bags of fluids... the depressing part was when i got home i was retaining sooo much water from having the iv that my weight was 126.... I was sooo upset...
christmas day I was still not feeling 100% and my weight had dropped back down to 122. there was a whole lot of traveling around for the holidays and was a bit stressful... me and the hubby are poor and couldnt afford gifts for ppl so it made us feel bad... we got stuck driving home in a terrible snow storm.
Ive been working alot at my other job and making decent money there. I pretty much have been trying not to get back into the haabit of taking a ton of laxs.. but its really hard for me not to...I have still been purging alot which i know is bad... but i need it out one way or another :/
on a positive note today is the third day in a row that I weighed in at 118.6!!! it feels sooo good to be under 120.. i just gotta keep it that way...new yrs eve was the first day i weighed and came up 118.6.. looks like maybe this yr is gonna start off right ;) Im hoping to get back to 115 by the end of jan. just basically gonna keep up what I have been doing which is rarely eating.. drinking water...purging when i do eat alot...once i get back down to where i want to be maybe then i will start to eat a more healthy diet.. but im not even gonna think about that till i weigh what i want...
slowly but surely... 2013 is my yr.. im finaly gonna get down to my goal weight....just gotta keep it up..
hppy new yr to everyone reading.. i hope this yr is the yr for us all
so first off 3 days before christmas eve I ended up in the hospital...no fun. I was down to 120 i believe the last time I posted... i started getting extremely sick couldnt hold anything down not even a few sips of water... it was bad.. the hubby took me to the ER at 2:30 in the morning and I was severly dehydrated and had some bad virus going on... they decided to admit me and I ended up spending 2 days in the hospital. they wouldnt let me eat (which was fine) and I went through like 5 IV bags of fluids... the depressing part was when i got home i was retaining sooo much water from having the iv that my weight was 126.... I was sooo upset...
christmas day I was still not feeling 100% and my weight had dropped back down to 122. there was a whole lot of traveling around for the holidays and was a bit stressful... me and the hubby are poor and couldnt afford gifts for ppl so it made us feel bad... we got stuck driving home in a terrible snow storm.
Ive been working alot at my other job and making decent money there. I pretty much have been trying not to get back into the haabit of taking a ton of laxs.. but its really hard for me not to...I have still been purging alot which i know is bad... but i need it out one way or another :/
on a positive note today is the third day in a row that I weighed in at 118.6!!! it feels sooo good to be under 120.. i just gotta keep it that way...new yrs eve was the first day i weighed and came up 118.6.. looks like maybe this yr is gonna start off right ;) Im hoping to get back to 115 by the end of jan. just basically gonna keep up what I have been doing which is rarely eating.. drinking water...purging when i do eat alot...once i get back down to where i want to be maybe then i will start to eat a more healthy diet.. but im not even gonna think about that till i weigh what i want...
slowly but surely... 2013 is my yr.. im finaly gonna get down to my goal weight....just gotta keep it up..
hppy new yr to everyone reading.. i hope this yr is the yr for us all
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